Experience Tumblr like never before
I act out in hopes that I won't be left alone. I speak loudly in hopes that people will listen. I take fast in hopes that I don't bore people. I say everything I can in hopes that people won't forget. I do so much to try and have friends but at the end of the day I'm just the weird girl who says unhinged stuff. I just want to not feel alone for once. I want to be able to do the things I dream about with someone else. I sacrifice what I want so that someone will stick with me, but I never get that in return. I let them treat me like shit because at least they acknowledge me. I'm alone even when I'm surrounded by my friends because I know they would choose each other over me.
When I was young
Alone in my time of need
An angel came to me
He offered to be my shield
If I could show him selfless beauty
So I became an artist
When I got a bit older
In my time of need
I called for the Monster
He offered to keep me sane
if I could help those in need
as an exchange
So I became a listener
When I was at my breaking point
The devil spoke to me
He offered me his silver tongue
In exchange of letting him feel loved
So I became a refuge for all
Then I met you
And i saw tears in your eyes
Came a voice
A feeling blooming
I couldn't deny
If you are to be the moon in the sky
I'd be the darkness by your side
Always in sight but never in reach
So I became a beast
A wolf longing for you for all time
The other three turned to you too
As the world lost meaning
And now you are gone
And we hate everything
It's deeply painful how one person can make you feel like you're walking on clouds and other times, the loneliest person to ever exist.
Last night, I realised how utterly lonely I am without my partner talking to me. It was heartbreaking, to say the least. I realised that I have no one left to call and cry to, at midnight. In the past couple years since I've been with my partner, I think I distanced from my friends, but I guess I was already isolated by then.
Anyway, last night, I felt so alone, so lonely, so alienated. It felt like a dagger to my chest when he said he doesn't want to talk. My mind took me to some harrowing places. It felt like our relationship was over and that he doesn't want me anymore. And that he was my go to person and now I've left with no one to talk to when I really need to.
I'm back to how I was before I met him. All alone, all by myself, surrounded by friends but no one to reach out when necessary. It sucks.
Another person to grieve.
Another relationship to remember, woefully.
10 days sober off klonopin and sh and all i wanna fucking do is relapse !! is it even fucking worth it to keep this up !! all i fuckin want is someone to talk to and be actual friends with but i guess that's impossible !!
why am i even bothering with sobriety and cleanness at this point. all i wanna do is be high and forget how fucking miserable im gonna be for the rest of my life. just for a few hours. but i cAnT because tHinGs WoNt EvEr gEt BeTtEr iF yOuRe uSiNg. who the fuck cares if it gets better at this point? it obviously fucking won't. i'm trapped in this fucking disgusting body forever. the least i can do for myself is make myself happy for a little while.
it is 11:40pm. i logically know that my friends are asleep and not deliberately ignoring me. does that stop the mean angry gnome in my brain from telling me they despise my existence in their lives? absolutely not
and the worst part is that the only person i have to talk to, is said mean angry brain gnome. đ
because everyone else is asleep. đ
chat should i actually block every single one of my friends from my hometown and completely isolate myself in another province
"read 2 hours ago" okay what if i just block you and you never hear from me again instead
is anyone else's mother a passive aggressive cunt for no reason or is it just mine
theres something about being called "buddy" by someone who used to call you their "babyboy" that really just stabs me 87 in the chest
might fuck around and get high on klonopin for the first time in awhile đ
how the fuck do you make friends.
everyone else in my life gets to go hang out with their friends and go home to their partners and i hate it. i really hate to say that i hate seeing their happiness. it's not that i don't want them to b be happy and lead good lives, it's that im a fucking dumb jealous asshole.
everyone makes it seem like them and all of their friends just clicked together. there was no awkwardness at the start and everything just went so smoothly. meanwhile i can't get past the awkward small talk phase with everyone and it's completely discouraging. I dont want to end up alone. i don't wanna be forced into the shadows while i watch everyone else have a life besides me because i just flat out didn't deserve to have one.
tldr someone pls become unhealthily obsessed with me and i will offer the same in return
you know when you're talking to your friend who you also used to date and they're talking about their new love interests and it's all you can fucking do not to lose your shit and split on them and just listen and congratulate them because logically you love that person because they are your best friend and they also love you but shit just didn't work romantically between the two of you but now every time they talk about it you wanna put scissors in your ears because you feel so fucking lonely and disgusting and unworthy of the thing that everyone else has but you don't??
no me neither
why the fuck are you all i think about it's been over a year since we've been together and were still best friends but god all i fucking want is you and i fucked it all up and it's all my fault that we're not even together anymore because i couldn't love you in the way you needed to be loved and it fills my heart so impossibly full to see you happy with him but fuck it makes me the most miserable ive ever felt because i know i'll always be alone i'll never have what i had with you again and i don't think im ever gonna forgive myself for giving you up but you deserved better than me for a lover goodnight tumblr
I thought I knew what love was. Love was sitting in my health class sophomore year. Love wouldn't date me until one of us could drive a car. Love played lacrosse and was a goalie, we bonded over that. Then college came 2 years later, and love left as quickly as it came. Love became constant fights about pointless things. Love became jealous and controlling. Love ended at roughly 11:30 pm on a Tuesday night. Turns out I didn't know what love was. A month later, love's ugly cousin loneliness came in disguised as love. Loneliness was a scrawny blonde who tried to be "country". Loneliness couldn't play sports, but I was okay with that as long as I wasn't alone. Loneliness became an on and off relationship that I couldn't let go of because it had love's fond embrace. I used loneliness as an excuse to date. Loneliness left on Mother's Day around 11:30 AM, and I went to the store because I didn't know why I was so sad that loneliness, the one I had been begging myself to leave, was gone. Turns out, love also went to the store that day. Love had also just gotten out of a long term relationship. Love had texted me a few days prior to make fun of me because that was what love had done when we were friends in the past. This love was different than the love that sat in sophomore year health class. This love was sporadic 45 minute conversations in the most random places. This love popped up when I needed it the most at any point in my life. This love accepted me for who I am. Love has a fast car, and a motorcycle. Love knows I like to play with my hair. Love knows I don't get out much, but love is ok with that because he brings me to the most beautiful places. But between you and me, I don't care where this love takes me, because, I know what love is, and he treats me the right way and has the most beautiful hazel eyes and the cutest dimples I've ever seen. I know what love is because he sleeps next to me (almost) every night. I know what love is and he is the most authentic man I have ever met.
Love is in my thoughtsÂ