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Bpd Vent - Blog Posts
I want to metaphorically jump off a building and see who catches me. But at least I'm self aware enough to not do that.
Excerpt from a text convo between two Friends who both have BPD:
*edited for typos and clarity*
[...] I will do what Is in my nature to do.
I will beg the frog to take me to the other side of the river.
The frog will say no because it knows it cannot trust me.
And I will say: "you can trust me because if I sting you I too will drown".
And with its last ghasping drowning breath the frog will ask me: "why?" and I will say:
"Because it's in my nature".
As a person with BPD, I deeply identify with the scorpion in that story. I don't start out wanting to hurt the people that are helping me. I don't start out thinking about how much pain I can cause.
I ask for help from people who should know better than to trust me and I make it very difficult for them to do what I asked.
"Let yourself be loved", said my mother as she squeezed and pinched and bruied us with her hugs and kisses.
Don't be a "Limosnero con garrote" (begger with a club), my parents would tell us. They often found it difficult to meet our needs. And somehow, that was our fault.
Can a scorpion live without its stinger? Can a beggar carry a club? Can I stop hurting?
feeling v sub-human as of late. i’m not that scary to talk to i don’t think?? i know i have a disorder. i know i’m like a pitbull and everyone seems to think i eat toddlers. but i genuinely just want to talk to humans n have real friends for once,
like i love poetry, and folk & indie music, and playing ukulele. i love my gods and i read tarot sometimes and collect cool rocks. i have the cutest cats and want people to send pictures of them to. my favorite color is a muted tone of forest green.
i’m a pitbull, but i think i am a little human sometimes too. i promise the genes don’t make me a completely bad dog. someone just take a chance on me, im begging,
aosjdsidskfhfnfrgijfk ghnti ITS BEEN OVER 30 MINUTES WHY ON EARTH HAVEN'T THEY TEXTED BACK
"but it was a joke!" okay well your joke made me want to kms but thats fine since you were just joking ig
i hate when they dont message for a single day so now im undergoing mental torture constantly switching between "oh god something happened please be okay please be okay please god be okay" and "stop fucking ignoring me you make me sick you make me sick you make me fucking sick"
but being numb/feeling empty is a whole another level of worse.
sometimes the emotions get so intense that i'd rather be numb.
Time to go underground and push everyone away after an overwhelming weekend.
I'm so sick of these destructive defense mechanisms that do protect me from getting hurt but at the same time trigger the fear of abandonment, because of which I employ these mechanisms in the first place.
What the fuck.
animation abt bpd abandonment issues
I hate how hard it is to explain my beliefs and gender identity/sexuality, like yes I’m a Wiccan but I pray and tend to go to church, yes I’m a girl and a boy but only dress feminine and no I’m not gender fluid, yes I find attraction in most men and women, will i date women, yes, will I date a man? No but I’ll still like him
someone please see i’m struggling and be gentle to me!!! wipe the blood from my skin, hold me, kiss me, comfort me until i feel like something, until i feel like i’m worth existing
ACTUALLY being stuck and having NO solution but suicide is so unbearably cruel
I'm laughing so hard GUYS there's a music band called STIFF LITTLE FINGERS 😭😭
I'm so miserable all the time. Being alone, just in my room used to be my fun time, my comfort time, the time I lived for. But now I'm just miserable.
I'm less miserable in school then at after it ends. My days consist of wishing the current moment to end. But the near future is never any less horrible since im stuck in a circle of agony. And I can't get out.
This is supposed to be the best time of my life. But I feel like this, how tf is life gonna be like in the future. Worse obvs cause I haven't gotten better since I was like 11.
I wish my parents didn't love, wish I wasn't aware that me killing myself would destroy them. Wish I could just end me existence, at the end of the day that's what I want the most.
The fact that I can never have him. That I will never be even able to be loose acquaintances with him. It hurts so much. It's so unfair. I've never felt the need for someone like I feel the need for him.
growing up as the ugly girl maybe had affected me way down too much
Something really hilarious is how people think telling me to “calm down” will help??? Like naw if anything it’ll turn my anger on whoever said it lmaooo like it’s the funniest thing bc it’ll just backfire 😭people are actually really fucking stupid. People in my past have done that and spoiler: it doesn’t work Lmaoo
I know I’m randomly rambling on this account about just everything but oh well
I can smell when tone changes are coming and that’s when I split lmfaooo. It took me time to actually notice this too 💀how truly sensitive tone changes make me lol. I was just thinking about it more randomly because I think about a lot of random shit
not before im perfect.
what happened to me?
why do i have to be happy for you. im not.
well okay that's not entirely true. im happy that you're happy. i'll always be grateful for your happiness. but jesus fucking christ why why why WHY can't i have the same things you have and why can't you just be mine.
oh well. that's what drugs are for.
i don't even think they KNOW they're my fp at this point. ive told them before. so they either forgot or they don't give a fuck.
thanks for actually answering my texts FP now i wanna kill myself even more !! 🙃