Yesterday Was Hard, Today Is Much The Same. My Sobriety Is One Of The Few Things I Have Left That Are

This is exactly how I remember it.

A family vacation coming up

The day before we leave

She was super excited about it just yesterday,

But I noticed she seemed a little sad.

Today its just...distant.

Quiet...short responses...but most of all

The feeling 8n the air itself that terrible things are about to happen.

It's easier now, to see that it is probably my ptsd...

But it does confirm that there is ptsd to work through, and that makes me sad.

Because I'm fidgeting just hoping and praying and doing everything in my power to be kind and thoughtful and PERFECT

Because I trained myself for years to avoid the outburst I could never keep from coming.

This was us...

isn't it insane though how schizophrenic people are viewed as violent and dangerous by the majority of society when in reality schizophrenic people are nearly 14 times more likely to be on the receiving end of violence than to be the perpetrators...

isn't it insane though how schizophrenic people are viewed as violent and dangerous by the majority of society when in reality schizophrenic people are nearly 14 times more likely to be on the receiving end of violence than to be the perpetrators...

I'm the protagonist and let me tell you it ISN'T A GOOD THING

take this quiz and see what teen movie archetype you are!!

So can we talk about the absolutely stunning duplicity going on here?

Thinking about a future without you used to fill me with feelings of dissatisfaction.

Now, with no other options, it fills me with grief. A dread so deep, you almost don't want to.

I really don't want to...

Envisioning a future, a happy future, without you is more difficult for me than imagining I am a dragon or a shrimp. It feels empty and fake; a blank page covered in brand-name stamps.

The nature of our relationship was not one born of lust or desire. It was irrational, illogical, and instinctual.

Ours is a connection, a magnetism, two polarized forces turned to attract the other. It is an orbit born of gravity and inertia, a centripetal force between us two constantly keeping our centers inseparable.

I felt you in my chest, beneath my sternum, and in my gut, between the hollow of my ribs. I feel the place where our souls used to dance like a giant's fist has ripped out my insides.

I want to scream, and everytime silence finds me, crawls inside me all I hear is my broken voice screaming your name until my lungs ache and my throat bleeds and my blood drips from the corners of my mouth and all I taste is salt.

I have lost the desire to numb myself because I know there is nothing that will numb me. Anything I do will crank my ribs open and lay everything I no longer have bare for anyone to see. It is a dark bloody husk inside my chest with shriveled lungs and a bruised heart that kept beating for you and believed in your promises and aspirations.

My grief is unmatchable, it refused to grow and move, I remain stuck now as I have for the past two munths; in firm denial.

Our connection is irrational, illogical...

And now so am I.

Today's not really different.

Just another fucking day.

Wake up, get dressed, go to work and wait.

Waiting is what got me here

Waiting for something impossible to happen.

We should have left the first time you asked me.

But you wanted me to finish college,

Wanted me to follow my dreams.

Too bad you couldn't summon the strength when you most needed it

To keep holding on for me.

I had hoped you'd do it for yourself,

But clearly

Neither of those were enough.