I Wish I Could Survive On As Little Calories As Possible. I Long To Punish Myself For The Wrong I've

Fear foods

Bread - enough said.

Peanut butter thick and Creamy about 200 calories per tablespoon

yogurt makes my stumach hurt also high in calories

any kind of chips- high in salt and super addicting 😅

ice cream way to thick and heavy on my stomach

full fat soda - way to much sugar and empty calories

steak full on choking hazard - way to much fat and high in calories also bad for your heart-

Egg yolks- high in calories and cholesterol

Tonight I broke my diet and I ended up purging. I feel numb and empty. I haven't purged since I was 19 years old. I'm 23 now. I purged up so much my head aches and I the trash bag I used weighed so much. All I kept thinking was that I WILL get these 40lbs off of me. I will, I will and I will.

I played some of my favorite music to ease my anxiety while purging. I feel awkward 😕 I can't believe I'm purging again....

My coworker said it looks like I'm loosing weight!! She said my tummy and back are looking a little smaller. I didn't know 7lbs was enough for people to start noticing. Then again me and them work like 10 and half hours with each other in a small room. But I'm proud never the less.

Things are gonna start getting tight around here. I'm gonna really restrict my food intake as I really want to keep losing weight. I donot care how I get there. All I know if I have to lose 40lbs as fast as possible.

Today I am going to fast once again for 24 hrs. All I will allow myself to have is water, some vitamins and a nice hot shower. And I get to binge watch YouTube!

My fast will start at 7am and ends at 7am tomorrow morning. When I go home tomorrow morning I'll have soup and some veggies.

The clock starts now!!!!

Recently I have fasted for a full 24 hrs - after that I gave in and rapidly ate some pizza (again) so I had a horrible stumach ache, gas and bloating. I feel terrible as I lack will power and self control. So today will be different. I'm gonna be good and fast untill supper time (let's see how long my will power will last)

Oh and the scale is down 4 more lbs so I'm doing good losing weight but I fear it's not fast enough. Oh well I'll just have to be patient and take the best of what I can get.

Fuck today is gonna be rough. I'm already feeling shaky and nausea due to the fatty sugary foods I ate. I'm also starting to realize that I don't deserve kindness as fat whore. I should be grateful for whatever kindness someone does to me and having sex is a luxury for me. It's a miracle anybody really wants me.... but I know I can redeem myself through fasting and food restriction.

This is my first time trying Coffee-Mate zero sugar coffee creamer and it's a pumpkin spice version and it is only 15 calories per tablespoon! I am super shocked how good it tastes. So for now on I'll be buying the zero sugar kind for my coffee creamer. The second one I have is a terrainy salted caramel sugar-free kind which has zero calories and that too is also pretty good. I'm tempted to toss out all my other high calorie coffee creamers and coffee syrups but that's a waste of money so I'll just budget my calories accordingly and next time I'll just buy the sugar-free kind

Went for a morning walk and while drinking some pumpkin spice low cal coffee and then I had some pumpkin chai tea with a freind. I guess today I was craving something sweet (which I always crave) . The world was so still and quiet waking up this chill morning and it's nice and grey outside too. I wish it were more gloomy but it's not.

Hey guys im back and im going to start restricting again. I don't care about being beautiful I just want to feel light and thin!

Im gonna-

-Count my calories and weigh out my food 1,200 for me MAX

- Drink lots of water and decaf tea with splenda

-Take a multivitamin daily and extra vitamin c

-Add a protein shake supplement to my diet

- Fall out of love with food. It's gross and it weighs me down

700 calories is my new safe number now. I dont feel safe eating above 700. I know it's not sustainable but I will give everything I got to meet that number. I don't want to be fat anymore it's making me a target for abuse and my weight has kept me trapped in a bad relationship.

Every lb I lose will dig me out of this cage my ex has put me in.