When I Say I Want To Be Treated As Subhuman, I Mean It. I Want To Be Told When To Fall Asleep, Be Woken

I need a haircut. Like desperately need a haircut. But my hair is what makes me feel like me. It reminds me of who I am. It's my closest connection to source. I hope somebody else in this head takes it into their hands cuz as long as I'm here, it's just gonna get more and more out of control.

You have no idea i can't live without you. You have no idea my whole world revolves around you. Being around you fixes everything. Wish I could be around you all the time so I wouldn't have to pretend.

Crazy to me that I don't allow myself to be happy (without actively trying) because I'm not supposed to feel human feelings. It's become natural to act like a dog. Something euphoric about that.

Need someone to force alcohol down my throat when I don't want to drink.

"Aw, you were doing so well staying sober whilst in this headspace, puppy. How about a little treat? No? Refusing a gift? That's not very good of you, dog." And then they hold my mouth open and pour the hardest shit into my mouth and make me swallow.

...Right now. I need this right now.

Came home from work in such a dog mindset and I had one single drink and it made it so much more intensified… then I sat on the floor and he petted my head… then he gave me belly rubs… then scratched… then kissed… then spat in my mouth… then choked me… then gave me scars… then punched me… basically I got (consensually) abused and I loved it and took it like a boss. (All I actively did was lay down and follow orders (up, roll over, down…..) … maaajor need 2 live like this forever)

I love needing to be dehumanised and needing to not have free will sooo much that it makes me want to end myself. It feels so wrong to be human, to do things without true purpose, to be able to go anywhere, make my own choices. I wish people understood this and would be willing to treat others in a way that's "unacceptable" in a societal aspect. Need to not be in control.

No cuz I'm actually so pissed why didn't he tell me he wasn't gonna sleep call with me . Why didn't he say he was gonna be chilling out with someone else. I just want communication it's not fucking hard. I communicate everything to you and you don't communicate back. It's not fair.

I just realised I gave him the password to my iPad. That has tumblr logged in. On this account. I'll be damned if I let him anywhere NEAR this account. So glad I remembered before he arrived.

I'm trying so hard to keep you here with me, but you just keep choosing other people over me. If I could treat you like dirt and make you cut off everyone you talk to like this, I would. If we didn't care so much about you, I'd order you to stop doing whatever you're doing and focus on me. It feels like you're taunting me, telling me you're going to others to seek out this kind of treatment. Maybe I should start talking to other people before you, and show you how it feels to be the last picked dog. The runt of the litter. Dumb mutt.

It's fine though. I'll just revoke his data access. And keep him occupied. Then he'll have no choice.

We r drinking and having a good time and he's soured it by telling me that his American friend was sending him posts. I'm going to crash out istg.