Dear Diary - Blog Posts

Day 1 | 16/10/23 | 23:27

Ratings: ¬Dissociation 4/10 ¬Mood 7/10 ¬Motivation 5/10 ¬Energy 4/10 ¬Overall 6/10

Summary: An average day today! Woke up much later than intended, meaning I had a much later bus to catch in order to get home from my partners. Made it back safe, and have spent the day doing creative activities that I was unable to do over the weekend. Didn't have the motivation to do a clean like I wanted to, but settled on taking the bins out at the very least. I cooked a nice meal too (if you count chicken dinosaurs as a nice meal). New hyperfixation of zombie apolocypse, which has me captivated. Overall, it's been a neutral day, but I'm still proud of myself! Side Note: I've been meaning to start this internet journal for months now, so I'm glad I've got around to it now! Whether I'm speaking into a void, or have even the smallest of audience's, I'm happy either way. Until tomorrow, Vio <3

50 posts!

Lol right after my last post. Thank you Tumblr! I'll take this as a sign ♡

I promise to be better from here on out, for my family, for my girlfriend, and for anyone I've effected by my actions.

I've done bad things, and I just want to be better and actually take control of my life.

So hi if you see this, I'm really going to try. Because my actions and words have affected people, and I refuse to let myself ever treat anyone like shit who doesn't deserve it again.

So, hi, if you see this, thanks for reading, and from now on, I'm really going to try to be better and to help not only me but all who have I've hurt.

♡

I absolutely LOVE arguing online. It's free entertainment. And it can be so fun.

Mis 21 años

En estos momentos de mi vida por fin entiendo que yo soy responsable de mi mismo, que todo mi pasado y presente a pesar de que influir no es responsable de mis malas acciones o decisiones.

He estado pensando mucho en a dónde voy; en mis primeros años de vida recuerdo que quería ser bombero, después de unos diez años siendo ya un adolescente quería dedicarme al dibujo porque se me dió bien, me gustaba el graffiti y mi mayor aspiracion era hacer un mural gigante, innovador y hermoso, tiempo después me llamó la atención la animación y el dibujo digital, me enfoqué más en mi técnica de dibujo y en verdad mejoré bastante. Al entrar a la preparatoria "CECyT 7" perdí la motivación de tener un objetivo...

Cabe resaltar que fue justo cuando ocurrió la pandemia del 2020.

El mundo se me hizo muy grande, me deprimí y creí que me convertiría en otro adulto que carece de estudios, que tiene un trabajo que no quiere y que sufre por no buscar un objetivo en la vida. Me expulsaron de la prepa por mis calificaciones y creí que no había más oportunidades pero unos meses después mi padre me dió la oportunidad de terminar la preparatoria pero estaba a 12 horas de dónde vivía, obviamente lo acepté aún sabiendo que sería difícil vivir solo, mi padre resaltó que esta prepa era militar pero para mí esto no era ningún problema (Ingresé al Colegio Militarizado General Mariano Escobedo Plantel 05 a mis 18 años). viví mis momentos más difíciles esos 3 años estudiando allí y cada día que pasaba me sentía muy idiota pero al final lo logré, me gradué teniendo el rango de sargento segundo y aunque no tiene ningún valor fuera pero el hecho de conseguirlo y trabajar con el más de medio año me enseñó muchas cosas que creo no hubiera aprendido de otra forma.

Antes de ser expulsado del CECyT 7 no supe que carrera tomar, quería meterme a "Soldadura Industrial" pero no le veía futuro (fue un error no animarme) después no sabía si escoger "Aeronáutica" o "Ingeniería Automotriz" pero tampoco me animé, finalmente me metí a una que en verdad no me llamó nada la atención.

Me pregunto como habría sido mi vida si todo hubiera salido bien, no puedo evitar hacerme estás preguntas: ¿no hubiera conocido a mi actual pareja? ¿Ya estaría trabajando? ¿Estaría feliz? ¿Qué tipos de problemas tendría? ¿Cuál sería mi aspecto? ¿Aprendí más tomando un camino difícil? ¿Acaso debo tomar un camino más difícil para llegar a dónde quiero? ¿Que pasa si está vez decido estar cerca de mi familia? ¿Lo estoy haciendo bien? ¿Qué va a pasar? ¿Y si no hago nada?

Lo que quiero hacer es hacer una licenciatura en ingeniería mecánica pero lo veo muy difícil porque no tengo los conocimientos necesarios para entrar a una universidad, y las escuelas de paga nunca me llamaron la atención. Lo más cercano que tengo es una Universidad pública que tiene ingeniería en Mecatrónica y creo que es lo mejor que tengo.

Leo del futuro, te quiero preguntar algo ¿Creés que son tontos mis problemas? ¿tomé la decisión correcta? ¿Podemos seguir creciendo en el mundo profesional y personal? ¿Cómo está Mily? ¿Estás feliz? ¿Has comprado lo necesario para tus dos proyectos?

🍮 Witchcraft Shopping List 🐻

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✨🪦🪦🪦✨

Candles!!!~ 🕯️✨

Book of Shadows!! 📓♥️

Some stationery!! 🖋️✏️✨

Stickers! 💸🌘

Calendar (a small and cute one!) 🗓️

Incense~ ✨

Small utensils (⁠人⁠ ⁠•͈⁠ᴗ⁠•͈⁠)

Gluesticks

✨ That's it!!~ ♥️

i don't fucking care but i'll be thinking of it a couple times a day just because <3

How I’m starting to see myself (I’ve been craving cookies for the longest time)

Big Sheldon and little Sheldon.

Why do child molesters make such good music ?? Lock those mfs behind the bars of a studio instead 😭🙏🏾🙏🏾

work out: 40 minute run

food rules: yes

stretching: yes

studying: 3 hours

meditate: nope

⋆₊˚4/10/2024 – DAY 4 journal

The day after my binge fast was suprisingly good, I thought I'll feel sick or something but nah, it was a regular day. I started it by eating a toast with two eggs, i only ate one because i burnt them both and the second one was just.. uhh.. Yeah, then i *sadly* went to school but I'm trying to make school better to myself so i have to be positive about it. Yay! I went to school. The day wasn't bad but my bsf disrespected me and i was mad at her, tho I'm not anymore. I got a good grade form my polish class and a compliment from my russian class teacher. When i went back home i made myself lunch = a salad my mom made (with greek yogurt so extra healthy) and fried chopped sausages. Then I IMMIDIATELY without any rest went to my room and hopped on my treadmil. I ran for 40 minutes, so my work out was done! Then i again, immidiately, started studying. Okay, there was a little break but it was cleaning the kitchen, so it wasn't really a break. I studied for 3 hours straight because I have a math exam today and i didn't know anything, but i do now - yay! Then it was already dark outside and my hair was super greasy so i just took a shower and washed my hair, its sooo soft now. It was already 8PM when i finished so i went back to my room, started working on my subliminal (I didn't finish it, if anyone is intrested then bbabybrooke is the name of my channel!!). I watched some YT videos and just went to sleep 💤

work out: yes

food rules: nope.. absolutely not

stretching: yes

studying: no

meditation: nope

<10k steps, <2L of water

⋆₊˚3/10/2024 – DAY 3 journal

On sundays i have rest days but that day i had a huge binge fest lol, my breakfast was cakes, cakes, cakes, then i snacked on salad and continued to eat only sweets. My break from them was lunch, chuck steak with silesian dumplings. I felt a lil guilty so i did a HIIT workout, i didnt finish it because i felt kinda weak, but i did leg pilates after! I didn't read a book nor did i go out on a walk, so i did only maybe like 200 steps lolllll. I don't feel guilty tho, it's just one day and im not gonna repeat it. Not the end of the world!

WORK OUT: done

FOOD RULES: done

STRETCHING: done

STUDYING: done

MEDITATING: nope.

>10k steps, <2L of water

⋆₊˚2/10/2024 – DAY 2 journal

Im writing this the day, yesterday was really succesful. When i woke up, i immidiately did the first half of my work out. I did my skincare etc. and then played some games, but my parents said we're going shopping. The shopping was suprisingly calm and we joked a lot. I bought myself a salad. After we came back my sis was doing an aesthetic 'breakfast' (at 2PM LOL) for her competition (?), she took a pic of it and let us eat it. It was very yummy but i forgot what it is. Then i started reading Atomic Habits and finished a whole chapter, after that I went on a 10k steps walk and listenned to my history topic (so i was walking and studying, smart). When I came back I finished studying the topic and did the other part of my workout (HIIT). When i finished, it was already dark outside. So i mainly relaxed, ate the salad, and at 10 pm when i was going to sleep my sister came back with her boyfriend and she gave me a box of chicken! ofc i ate it lol.. but she also came back with a lot of cakes.. and my mom told to me to eat some of those. i didnt, but the next day i did (today)🥲

---- 2/10/2024 entry

* Today I downloaded GTA the trilogy!! I'm starting with GTA III and it looks good.

* My sister is changing schools, she's 18 so she can do whatever she wants but my mom is so heartbroken, it's so sad to see her this way.

* I felt an urge to relapse into starving, but I KILLED that urge, murdered, gone !!

* On Monday I'll have swimming classes so i decided to go on a 1200 kcal diet until Monday, I'll do HIIT daily and walk a lot + 16:8. Ik thats kinda unhealthy but i wanna look good quick and i swear ill return to eating normal after monday LOLLL

* I was on a walk with my mom for like an hour and a half, I absolutely love walking with her, and I love her, she's the best <3

* That's it lol, nothing really happenned :') byeee🩷🪽

---- 1/10/2024 entry

* It's finally october, yay! I love fall, it's so cozy and its perfect for staying inside, sleeping, reading or baking. It's also the month where i will start my diet and working out again, since tomorrow ill have a mini treadmill!

* Today was fine, ig. I had two tests at school and got A's from both. After school I slept the whole day. The only thing that makes me kinda mad is that I have two freaking pimples on my forehead, ughhh I hate getting my period.

* Did yall heard about the Diddy situation? I digged so much into it, spent 3 hours straight watching YouTube videos about it that I don't think I'll sleep tonight. Im just so sorry for his victims - he's disgusting and he's gonna rot in hell. I also believe he killed Tupac..

* That's it for today! Ik, pretty boring, but a journal is a journal, so I had to write an entry loll !! Bye angels xx 🩷🪽

Im just always wrong

Everytime i try to do anything, help someone help myself, love… im wrong. I feel as if i will never get this life thing right. Im careless and i hate that about myself. I make so many mistake i question if i myself am one. Im scared i wont every get this right.

Ive criticised of everything that i do to the point where i even question waking up. What if im not doing it correctly. The dread i feel forcing myself out of bed because i know that during my day i will yelled at for doing something, anything. Criticised for trying again. I hate this all. I completely, whole heartedly hate it all. There is somehow always a problem with me. I cannot take it

If i were to ever take my life it is because i don’t think I’m doing it right. Something about me is terribly off, my death is a mere correction a flaw.

I know I’m being far too critical with myself but i cannot help it, I’ve been judged for everything i have tried. Knowing that i am certainly a failure why should i aspire to be more. Of course, i still have a dream, a desire to heal and love others but i fear that when i try to climb up ill fall at the worst time. A fall so high there would be maroon gore splattered everywhere, i might even knock off the person that climbs underneath me.

Killing us both.

امروزم بدک نگذشت.

ساعت چهار صبح خاله‌م با بچه هاش رسیدن اینجا.. من نمیدونم چطوری خسته نمیشن واقعا.

یه خاله دیگه م هم با همه بچه هاش اومد. (جز یه دخترخالم که کلاس داشت..) جالبه هیچکدوم نمیدونستن اون یکی قراره بیاد.

سر میز از نوه خالم پرسیدم اومدیم کجا، مامانش زیرلبی گفت بگه طالقان. چی گفت؟ اومدیم طالبان👍🏻

بخاری رو هم که دید گفت : این چی چیه؟

+ بخاریه.

- توش جیش میکنیم؟

+ نه.

- چرا.

بعد صبحونه رفتم در پشتی رو باز کردم، جلوش یه جوی خوب داره. بچه ها نشستن لبش و بازی کردن. بماند آب پاش پلاستیکی یکیشون افتاد و آب بردش کلی دویدیم پیداش کنیم که گریه ش رو تموم کنه.. خوشحال شد.

کلی سنگ پرت کردیم تو آب، گل گذاشتم روی موهاشون، بهشون خوش گذشت. خوشحالم.

(باید مشکلات خشممو با پرت کردن سنگ تو آب از بین ببرم)

نهارو همه کنار هم خوردیم. (کل سینی گوجه ها قبل پخت چپه شد رو زمین، برشون گردوندیم یه گوجه دیگم بعدش افتاد عالیه)

از نوه خالم پرسیدم به کی رای میدی؟ گفت : من به تو رای میدم. به (اشاره به دخترخاله هام) شما هم میدم به همه رای میدم.

کاش تو زندگیم همین شکلی ساده باشم.

بعدم همه یکم استراحت کردن و به اجبار یک دوست عزیز فرستادنمون جهت رای دادن. تو این گرمای سگ پز سگ میره بیرون آخه؟ از بینمون ۴ نفر رای دادن کلا. منم فقط کاغذشو انداختم تو صندوق، خودم رای ندادم.

حالا تو ماشین :

مادر : حالا تو به کی رای دادی؟

(پدرجان موقع رای دادن کاغذشو قایم کرد گفت نمیخوام رای منو ببینین)

پدر : دزد بزرگ.

به این ترتیب وقتی مادرجان منظورشو فهمید دعوا شد.

برگشتیم خونه یکم میوه خوردیم و استراحت از اونجایی که همه خسته راه بودن..

به باغ مادربزرگم هم سر زدیم و چندتا آلبالو چیدیم، یه گل جدید دیدم. خیلی جزئیات داشت و انگار وسط برگای ریزش یه مرکز کاج شکل کوچیک داشت . اکثر فامیل برگشتن خونه هاشون و امیدوارم سالم رسیده باشن چون چند دقیقه پیش چنان رعد و برقی شد که کرک و پرام ریخت..

رفتیم لب یه رودخونه که پشت باغ بود، خیلی پر آب بود و یه خانواده نزدیکش نشسته بودن. سنگ پرت کردم تو آب که البته تو کفشام کلی آب رفت..

وقتی بقیه رفتن ما هم با یه خاله و داییم رفتیم سه تا روستا رو دیدیم، مرجان، نساء اولیا و جوستان.

برگشتیم خونه. دوباره در پشتی رو باز کردم یکم نشستم تو لب آب پاهام خنک شد کلی هم آرامش گرفتم.

واکنش صادقانه یه بنده خدایی که ته جوی وایساده درحال خوردن آب :

اون بنده خدا تا ابد :

یکم از آسمون آبی فیض بردیم و برگشتیم تو.

امروز صفحه جدیدی از بولت ژورنالم درست نکردم.. فردا هم برمیگردیم تهران.

بدرود.

جوجه رو نگاه آخه، پسرخالمه :>>

امروز رفتیم طالقان (بماند همه ایل و تبارو جمع کردیم بردیم تازه یه سریا هم قراره بیان بازم-)

آرامش خوبی داره، فقط باید بشینی رو چمنا، باد موهات رو تکون بده و مدیتیشن کنی

جاده ی خوبی داره نسبتا، ولی بهتره شب نری، خیلی تاریک و پیچ در پیچه. اگه تهران باشی دو ساعته میرسی.

عنکبوتای نازی هم داره، یه بار یکیشو دیدم که پاهاش قرمز بود.

هنوز کلی برف روی قله ها مونده بود!

وسط راه نزدیک یه پرتگاه توقف کردیم استراحت کنیم. تمرین سنگ پرتاب کردن کردم. اولش دستم ضعیف بود، کج هم میزدم که بابام اومد گفت چرا مثل دخترا پرتاب میکنی. (خب دخترم دیگه-)

دیگه زوشا قاطی کرد، آستینو بالا زد چنان سنگارو پرت کرد که پشماتون بریزه. دو سه تاش از یک سانتی متری صورت مامانم و داییم رد شد-

به شهرک که رسیدیم چون خیلی فاصله داره تا خونمون همون جا خریدامونو کردیم. تخم مرغ بومی و یه تخم غاز هم گرفتیم. اندازه دوتا تخم مرغه که خب طبیعیه.. غاز خودش اندازه دوتا اردکه.

تو ویترین یه مغازه الکتریکی یه گربه خوابیده بود، انگار از کل جهان جدا بود اهمیتی به اطرافش نمیداد. فقط محکم پلک هاشو بسته بود.

یکم سبزیجات و جوجه گرفتیم و رفتیم سمت خونه..

صبحونه رو کنار هم خوردیم، نون سبوس دارش به قرمزی میزد.

بعدم به کارای خودمون مشغول شدیم..

ظهر وسط آفتاب سگ پز رفتم بدمینتون بازی کردم، برگشتم داخل نفس نداشتم فقط ولو شدم، سقفو صورتی میدیدم XD

با پسرخاله کوچولوم وقت گذروندم یه گلم گذاشتم رو کله‌ش. جوجه درست کردیم. زغالش خراب بود مجبور شدیم عوضش کنیم. زیاد چیزی نخوردم.

نزدیکای عصر به باغ یه عزیزی (اجازه داد بهمون) دستبرد زدیم و نزدیک یه کیلو آلبالو چیدم، یه سریاشون خیلی درست بودن اندازه ی گیلاس، احتمالا چون بذرشون مجارستانی بوده. کلی آلوچه چیدیم (گوجه سبز میگید بهشون؟) کلی گل چیدم که بیشترشون خشک شدن.. یه سریاشون شبیه شیپور بودن، میخوام بچسبونمشون توی دفترم.

(بماند که کلی شته از داخلشون کشیدم بیرون-)

بیشتر اون آلبالو ها رو میخوام بدم به چندتا از دوستام. چند وقته باهام حرفی نزدن، پس از راه دوستی وارد میشم.

از لا به لای کلی گندم و علف هرز رد شدم که تا یکم پایین تر از شونه هام رشد کرده بودن، داشتم خفه میشدم

از کنار یه مرکز ثبت رای هم رد شدیم.. شربت نذری میدادن.

پسرخاله گرامی هم کلا علاقه خاصی به شب راه افتادن داره شب اومده میگه دو ساعته با خانوادم میرسم.

خوبه بزرگوار تو ماشینش محسن لرستانی پلی نمیکنه وگرنه ده دقیقه بعد از پیامش رسیده بود. با سر و کله شکسته البته-

احتمالا شنبه صبح برگردیم..

راستی، کلی صفحه جدید به بولت ژورنالم اضافه کردم، عکسشونو میزارم

بدرود.

What water sign and water house Venuses crave from their lovers~

to be seen without performing. to be heard without screaming. to be missed without disappearing. to be enough without proving it. to be held without falling apart. to be understood without explaining. to be wanted without conditions. to be. to be.

Dear Me,   You are much stronger than you think you are. You have your whole life in front of yourself. The number on the scale isn’t a life determiner. That bottle on the counter isn’t something to reach for. Remember what you have. When it’s three in the morning and you can’t close your eyes look to your left at the beautiful brunette boy next to you. He’s been kinder to you than you’ve been to yourself. You have all of the love you need, you are important to more than the deadline you have to make.     Don’t regret what you’ve done. Look back on your years and smile. Just smile. Because you made it this far, you’ve had bad days but you’ve had more good ones. Don’t think of what you have to accomplish. Go out and do you. Because you are you. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

With Love

Dear Expectations, You are always there when I need you the least. You make a simple task feel immensely impossible. You run my fingers raw while writing a paper, my mind to exhaustion to be absolute perfection, and my body to sleep deprivation in search of a grade no less than what I need to pass. In the search of a way around you, I stand in your shadow, unable to overtake the panic that you make arise in my chest, the pounding that never ceases until after the deadline has passed or my grade sealed in the grave that you have been helping me dig. your shadow isn't big enough to keep me inside, it is not bog enough to harbor the panic and the anxiety that you bring with you wherever you go. Following you like two hungry watch dogs, waiting for me to fall to the ground, to feast upon what is left.  While you are there to bring me up when I have to do my best, you bring an illusion of a silver lining making this seem worth it in the slightest sense. For the reward of praise is too much to ask from you when all you deal in deceit and terror.

With no love