AvPD And How We Control Anxiety.

AvPD and how we control anxiety.

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder.)

So in anxiety disorders, there are “safety behaviors” that are things you do to manage your anxiety.

Like when people with social anxiety are around other people, they’ll play with their phone,

or stay in the bathroom longer than necessary,

or avoid eye contact,

or only go somewhere with another person.

To lower AvPD anxiety, you de-escalate the intimacy.

I bet MOST of us have a kind of hierarchy of “how scary/how close is this type of interaction.” And if something is too scary, what do you do? Bump down the closeness a step.

You stop touching, step away, put a barrier in between you; you reduce the level of contact, from phone, to chat, to text, to email. (This is my hierarchy; yours might be different.) If you’re in a group and their scrutiny is freaking you out while you try to talk to someone, you go off and talk alone. Or if being alone with someone is too scary, you get somebody to go with you.

Online, maybe you size down the chat window or minimize it entirely between replies. You silence the notifications. You fullscreen something else over it. (Maybe you compulsively glance over to see if they’ve responded, like I do.)

If you’re trying to share something about yourself, maybe you choose to give it to them long-form all at once, so you can’t lose your nerve halfway through. Maybe you edit out select details that are Too Revealing, too unique, too you. Maybe you only share it with them when you've both agreed to discuss it immediately, so it isn’t hanging in the air between you.

It’s about this:

controlling how much access (ability to disturb) they have to you

controlling what they get to see

and monitoring how they react

The “safest” situation is one where they have very little access to you; where you only allow them to see a bare minimum of personal details about you; and where you can watch and try to mitigate how they are responding to you/what they think of you.

The most “unsafe” situation is one where

you can’t control how much access they have to you (i.e. you live with them or see them every day, you can’t get away from their influence/moods/judgments, or they have power over some aspect of your life)

you can’t control how much about you they get to see (i.e. no privacy, no boundaries)

and you can’t monitor or affect how they react (i.e. they find out a secret of yours and then abruptly leave, or they just won’t communicate their feelings with you at all, or you aren’t even aware of what they know until they confront you).

(Okay, so full disclosure, I basically just described my entire relationship with my mom. So this theory may have overlap with codependency, abusive relationships, and c-ptsd, rather than being pure AvPD.)

De-escalating intimacy = de-escalating trust.

You’re reducing their ability to hurt you -- you’re making “How much I am forced to trust you” as tiny and inert as possible.

Which is very useful in a situation where the person is actually going to (or genuinely might) hurt you.

But this eventual habit of lowering intimacy, lowering trust, also means creating distance between you and people you might actually like to form a connection with.

Once you are out of an unsafe situation, this --

controlling how much access they have to you, controlling what they get to see, and monitoring how they react

-- is no longer about managing a threat, or danger. It’s about managing anxiety.

And here is what we know: Compulsions, safety behaviors, avoidance ... anything we do to defend against anxiety, is self-reinforcing. The more you do it, the stronger the urge to do it next time.

There’s another thing:

When you avoid every single instance of interpersonal conflict, you never get the chance to learn how to handle it in a healthy way.

So, yes, when you get into a normal, not-dangerous argument with someone, or have to stand up for yourself, or defend your boundaries -- 2 things: You haven’t built up the skills to handle it in a way that feels safe, AND, you’re super sensitized to conflict because it’s rare.

Conflict is actually scary and feels out of control, times 2, on top of your pre-established fear. And that can be emotionally violent enough, that it can actually be traumatizing or re-traumatizing all on its own.

This obviously isn’t the whole story of AvPD. It’s a personality disorder, not just an anxiety disorder. But I bet for some people, including me, this is a huge chunk of it.

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social anxiety anxiety avoidance feel free to reblog zella rose talks avpd avoidant personality disorder avpd actually avoidant actuallyavoidant actuallyavpd avpd resource

Workbooks and Self-Help Books for Mental Illnesses & Symptoms

Hello everybody! I was just thinking about how I always recommend people who can’t get therapy to use workbooks, so I thought I’d make a quick list of some you could look at. I’m not comfortable recommending books for things I have not struggled with (like, if I was looking at the description of a book on OCD I’d have no idea if it was good or not) but I think I’ve covered a lot. Some of these are series which have workbooks for specific disorders like bipolar, etc., if you want to find some. Plus, you don’t have to be diagnosed with something to use a workbook if you think it’ll help you.

Workbooks are sometimes made to be done in conjunction with therapy, or something like that, but anyone can still get something out of them if you put in regular work and try to apply the skills.

I’ve linked them all the Amazon because they’re usually cheaper on there.

For reference: DBT = dialectical behaviour therapy, CBT = cognitive behavioural therapy, ACT = acceptance and commitment therapy

Anxiety, Depression, and Intrusive Thoughts

The CBT Anxiety Solution Workbook

The Anxiety and Worry Workbook

The DBT Skills Workbook for Anxiety

The Anxiety Toolkit

Depressed and Anxious: The DBT Workbook

The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression

The Cognitive Behavioural Workbook for Depression

Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts

The Anxious Thoughts Workbook

Borderline Personality Disorder

The BPD Survival Guide

Stronger Than BPD

You Untangled

Mindfulness for BPD

The BPD Toolbox

Beyond Borderline: True Stories of Recovery

Interpersonal Problems

The Interpersonal Problems Workbook

ACT for Interpersonal Issues

Anger

The DBT Skills Workbook for Anger

The Anger Workbook for Teens

Anger Management for Everyone

ACT on Life Not on Anger

Trauma and PTSD

Overcoming Trauma and PTSD

The PTSD Workbook For Teens

The Complex PTSD Workbook

You Empowered

Self Harm

Freedom from Self harm

Stopping the Pain: A Workbook for Self-Injury

Rewrite: The Journey from Self-Harm to Healing

General Emotional Issues/Multiple Disorders

Letting Go of Self-Destructive Behaviors: A Workbook

The DBT Skills Workbook

Don’t Let Emotions Run Your Life

The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions

The Mindfulness-Based Emotional Balance Workbook

Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods Workbook

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books mental health

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zella-rose

4 years ago

If you’re struggling, here’s some words from Angry Prayers for Furious Survivors

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trauma positivity abuse

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zella-rose

5 years ago

one of the most fucked up things about the internet is how it has given us so many new ways to self harm that we don’t even realize is self harm. it’s something i’ve seen getting addressed little by little recently, as it’s finally being recognized for what it is.

it’s the kind of addictive behaviour we engage in that doesn’t actually benefit us in any way, such as:

- Reading The Comments

- ruthless discourse that won’t accomplish anything

- checking up on people and topics you shouldn’t

- 90% of body image stuff

- constant stream of devastating news

and so on, and so on!!

there are suddenly far less barriers and boundaries between our hearts and the entire rest of the constant, churning world, and sometimes the only thing holding us back from pointless hurt is our own willpower. that’s not always gonna be enough.

we feel shame for turning off anon, for blocking those who hurt us without giving them a “fair chance” first, for leaving a discussion, for leaving a space, for going offline, for missing out. we keep martyring ourselves, and for what? our hearts are not made for this.

we’re still adapting to whatever internet culture is and does to us. remember to breathe and forgive yourself every once in a while.

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self care be gentle with yourselves

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zella-rose

6 years ago

being in love with the process and not the results is one of the healthiest things in the world

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encouragement yesssss positivity a sustainable self actual goals

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zella-rose

5 years ago

Fuck being "cool"! Fuck being "normal"! 2020 will be all about being genuine and kind while learning to respect and embrace our own and other people's harmless differences even when they go against social norms.

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swearing but listen! that feel this feel g u y s

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zella-rose

4 years ago

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zella-rose

5 years ago

psst! they’re easy to make, too. here’s the Fu pattern.

remember to tie the top tie straight across the middle of your ear, and the bottom tie in a criss-cross over it, like a plus sign, to the top of your head.

always wear the same side facing out!

use funky patterned cotton to make it cute and cool!

launder with soap and reuse!

MAKE MEMES

Just got back from the grocery store on my first outing with a homemade mask

Literally every store manager (and multiple older people) i passed thanked me for wearing a mask

We need to start memeing cloth mask usage to make it cool and hip to keep your germs to yourself and stop this outbreak on the ground

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quarantine coronavirus covid 19 masks make it cool!! make it hip!!

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zella-rose

9 years ago

In this post I mentioned how, even in a good relationship with someone, I still question whether they’re going to reject me when I let them see things about myself. Even though I have no reason to think they would.

That’s part of how I differentiate normal, “reasonable” fears from disorder-y, “unreasonable” fears, now.

Is it connected to the real situation? Does it depend on actual facts, interactions, history? Or is it detached from all that -- “it exists no matter what’s actually happening,” “nothing that happens could make me feel confident and relaxed” -- is it an arbitrary fear.

And if it’s arbitrary? Then I know it’s not grounded in reality. I am feeling afraid because my mind tells me I should be afraid -- because of my mind, not because of the situation I’m in.

That could be an invalidating way to think, for some people. (People vary!! If it’s not useful for you, don’t feel bad for throwing it out!) But for me, it’s been very powerful. Because if the only “no” I have is from a fear that isn’t connected to the real, present situation, then I am actually free to choose whatever I want. Including trusting someone I love, and showing them the thing, and allowing myself to be seen and loved in return.

And that is, I think, what is allowing me to slowly, really heal. “Corrective experiences,” perhaps, to replace the ones that taught me to be afraid in the first place.

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zella rose talks avpd avoidant personality disorder avpd actually avoidant actuallyavoidant actuallyavpd

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zella-rose

6 years ago

‘Doing your best’ looks different for everyone, it’s important not to compare yourself to those around you, especially if you’re struggling. Be kind to yourself, and be proud of what you achieve today <3

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positivity a happy ghost any 1 of these things is an accomplishment!!

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