Workbooks And Self-Help Books For Mental Illnesses & Symptoms

“Darling, you deserve it all. You deserve love and peace and magic and joy dancing in your eyes. You deserve hearty, deep-belly laughter and the right to let those tears fall and water the soil. You deserve freedom and goodness and company and days of bliss and quiet too. You deserve you happy and healed and content and open. So keep going, darling. Keep going.”

— Unknown

Stay close to people who make you feel like it’s okay to be yourself. 

I just read the line “President Donald Trump also indicated that federal squads would likely target cities run by the party that opposes him” in a real-life news article and I’m just thinking about how people really thought Democrats were overreacting in 2016 and that we should “give him a chance”

Levels of relationship, part 2: Safe people

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder. You can read part 1 of this post here.)

Having a safe person means so much.

When you have a safe person in your life, that relationship becomes really important. Here’s why.

With a safe person, I am welcome. It’s okay to exist.

They’ve demonstrated that they won’t hurt me, even when they have the chance. (They prove this by just literally not doing it, over time.)

They don’t react in the ways that I fear.

They’re consistently kind and supportive of me.

They’re actively considerate of my feelings.

A safe person cares about your feelings.

They really want to know how you feel, and they want to make sure you’re okay. How you feel actually matters to them.

And this is SO important for us -- because with AvPD, we are not good at dealing with our feelings. We’re not good at standing up for them, expressing them -- or even sometimes being aware of them.

So when someone proactively cares about how we feel, and maybe even encourages us (gently!) to open up ... it’s like they’re creating a space where our feelings are OK. It’s OK to have them, and to feel them, and to talk about them. And that’s something I don’t think people with AvPD get to experience much.

This could happen as subtly as you having an anxiety attack, and them acting calm and accepting instead of freaking out. You just get the sense that it’s okay. You’re okay with them.

Because our feelings are “allowed” in a relationship with a safe person, we’re able to let our walls down and let them see who we really are. It may only be a tiny bit of visibility, but it’s often a lot more than we have in any other relationship.

And when they respond positively to our self-revealing, we get emotional affirmation, and we can feel accepted. Which is hugely healing.

When we’re with them, we feel more like a whole person.

That emotional support and acceptance, in fact, is just like what people without AvPD get from their normal relationships.

And that’s why it’s so important to us. We have the same need for acceptance, friendship, and being liked as anyone else -- it’s just so much harder for us to receive it.

So with the rare person who can soften our defenses and let us feel safe being close to them ... that’s a treasure we never take for granted.

A note about dependency

I do think there’s some potential overlap with being dependent on someone (like with DPD or codependency). I became absolutely obsessed with my first safe person, and it wasn’t good for me or for them.

But I also think it's natural to value a “safe person” type relationship very highly, and to want to be close to them, and I don’t think that’s automatically unhealthy. This is just something we need to be aware of, and it’s a good idea to check on boundaries and comfort levels once in a while.

You can have more than one!

Just like people without AvPD can have more than one positive relationship, people with AvPD can have more than one safe person. It’s just equally rare to find a second person you “click” with that way. But there’s nothing automatically exclusive about it, and it can be nice to have more than one person to talk to.

It’s also a spectrum. Each relationship is unique, and it changes a little with every interaction. You might have one safe person who you’ve known for a long time, and then another one you’re still building a relationship with. The important thing is whether you get that sense of emotional support and acceptance from being with them.

And who knows? Eventually, you might just start calling your safe people “close friends” -- because that’s pretty much what they are for us.

tavpdfw youre too afraid to express your honest opinion on something so you keep your thoughts as neutral as possible

Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I'm almost certain I have AVPD and I'd like to explain it to my parents, since they've gotten upset over symptoms of AVPD that I've expressed and I want to tell them why I act like that. But they don't really think that PDs are a thing that exists. so how could I explain it to them so that they understand? thank you in advance !!

Hi there anon!

Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. The most important is probably:

What you want to accomplish by telling your parents

What your relationship with your parents is like

Would you mind sharing a bit more about the situation? You can write more in asks, submit something or just message me, that works too! (And don’t worry, I won’t publish your username either way <3)

Or if you aren’t comfortable with that, I’ll see what advice I can scrounge up as-is =)

The way you speak to yourself matters.

I’ve been trying this out and it’s been quite helpful 🤗

AvPD recovery: Self-esteem.

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder.)

AvPD isolates you from being truly connected, being part of the world.

It keeps you from creating trust-filled, satisfying relationships.

It also keeps you from connecting with yourself, like I wrote about in another post.

It keeps you from truly feeling -- and even sometimes recognizing -- your own emotions, your own wishes.

Most of all, being this way hurts.

Avoiding our feelings and being detached from ourselves is not normal.

And just like the pain of a physical injury, this pain is a reaction that comes from seeking wholeness. It’s calling attention to a real problem.

It’s okay to try and fix the problem.

It’s okay to pay attention to how you feel.

Even if it’s negative.

Yes! Even if it’s absolutely terrible.

Ignoring bad feelings is sometimes necessary for survival. And if it is for you right now, you probably already know it. That’s okay, and you can probably still do a lot of these things.

Remember: There’s no right or wrong way to heal.

Find a place where you can be absolutely alone, on purpose.

A place where there isn’t anyone who will judge you or make fun of you -- a place just for you, like a private journal or sketchbook or blog. Even the best option will probably feel kind of uncomfortable, so don’t obsess over finding the perfect outlet for this!

Do whatever you can to make it feel safe and out of reach from everyone.

And then spend time there, regularly.

Once you get used to it, try noticing what it’s like to not have anybody looking over your shoulder.

Can you even imagine it? It’s a terrible contradiction that we spend so much time alone, but so little time feeling un-watched. Free of observers and judging eyes.

See if you can get to know your feelings.

Within the protection of your solitude, try writing about your feelings. Or drawing or singing or collaging about them -- whatever works for you.

It doesn’t have to be pretty, and it’s okay if it doesn’t feel natural. It’s a skill, and you have to gain proficiency just like with any other skill. You'll get there; it doesn’t matter how slow or fast that happens.

As long as you’re trying, you’re making progress.

If you learn one tiny thing about yourself, or if you get a little more used to expressing yourself -- then it’s a success.

Experiment with being nice to yourself sometimes.

This is so, so hard, and it’s okay if you’re not ready to try.

But when you are, just try being kind to yourself. Try being gentle. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt once in a while.

And if you can’t do it, try not to hate yourself too much for failing. It’s OK -- if "official permission” existed, this would be it: You don’t have to punish yourself.

Do things that feel good.

Just because they feel good. It’s OK to do that.

In particular, look for things that just sound like they would be nice, right about now. Something that you just ... feel like doing.

Even if it’s only a tiny thing, like making yourself a cup of tea, or taking a nice bath, or re-reading your favorite book.

Learn what it feels like to want something, and learn what it’s like to give yourself something good.

Try to consciously look for “wins.”

After doing anything, if you find yourself retracing your mistakes, blaming yourself, or feeling sick and anxious and guilty -- take a minute to redirect your thoughts.

Ask yourself: what went right? In what ways did I succeed?

It doesn’t matter if your brain is throwing lots of fails and embarrassment at you; that’s like a TV channel that never turns off. You don’t have to pay attention to it all the time. Just, when you have the energy to, deliberately focus on the good anyway.

The smallest success still counts: “Hey, I remembered what building my class is in! I was basically on time! I didn’t trip over anyone! I learned something!” Even if you have to name truly silly things for “wins,” start with those.

The point is giving yourself credit, instead of bringing yourself down.

And you might be surprised at how well things actually went -- when you start looking at how well they went, instead of how badly.

These things are the heart of recovering from AvPD...

...in my opinion, and in my own experience. Because this is how you recover your self-esteem.

The simple way to see AvPD is that other people judge and hurt us.

But the more complex truth is that their judgment only has the power to affect us that much, because we’ve never claimed the right to judge for OURSELVES.

We never learned to like ourselves, or to be kind to ourselves. We never learned to take care of ourselves. To own who we are, as human beings. To decide OUR OWN value.

That takes some intense courage. But you don’t have to do it all at once.

Every single thing I listed here is about:

reclaiming your inner life for yourself,

finding your feelings and wishes again,

practicing taking care of your feelings.

Taking care of yourself means healing shame. It means giving yourself value.

We all need to be validated, listened to, cared for, and given positive value. We need dignity.

But when you can give those things to yourself in abundance, you don’t have to rely on other people’s scraps for your self-esteem.

And that’s how you get free. The fear will still be there. But it won’t control you.