One Of The Most Fucked Up Things About The Internet Is How It Has Given Us So Many New Ways To Self Harm

“Find out what makes you kinder, what opens you up and brings out the most loving, generous, and unafraid version of you―and go after those things as if nothing else matters. Because, actually, nothing does.”

— George Saunders

The secret about self esteem

You don’t actually have to love yourself to be happy, healthy, and stable. Here are some beliefs that you can work towards instead

- no one deserves bad treatment, including you - You deserve to be treated with self kindness & to meet you own physical and emotional needs - Physical appearance isn’t the most important thing, and even if you’re unattractive you deserve to be able to live your life without shame - that no one is expected to be perfect at everything they try, and that it’s ok to enjoy things you aren’t good at - It’s more interesting and fun to focus your thoughts outward on the world and other people than to think about how much you like or dislike yourself - That everyone makes mistakes and does embarrassing things, and that an embarrassing event might feel really terrible but it’s not actually a threat - It’s not worth obsessing over whether you are a good or bad person, bc those things don’t really exist. (There are only good & bad actions; humans are way too complex & ever changing to fit into black & white labels) - Your thoughts and emotions are as valid & real as anyone else’s

Basically, the goal with all of this is to accept that you can treat yourself with self compassion. It is going to be near impossible to be happy if you constantly tear yourself down, or if you don’t respect needs, but it’s definitely possible to be happy feeling pretty meh about it.

I recommend focusing on things you believe are true for all people, then working back to yourself (for example, that everyone deserves to be treated kindly, that physical appearance isn’t shameful, that everyone makes mistakes, etc). Make self kindness the goal. When you are being mean to yourself, remind yourself to be kinder. If you feel horrible about a mistake remember you are only human. And the rest of the time? Pour your energy into creating meaningful activities in your life. Make art, chase goals, call friends, read books, learn, create, engage. You will find the works is much bigger and brighter when you make room for something besides self criticism.

So a few months ago I learned that when you have ADD/ADHD, in order to efficiently manage it (and thus reduce the stress that comes with it), you need to concentrate on four things:

Sleep Nutrition Activity Personal time/space

OH HEY GUYS LOOK AN ACRONYM THAT’S ACTUALLY EASY TO REMEMBER! 

SNAP

Do you feel yucky and aren’t sure why? Look at your SNAP. Figure out what you’re missing. 

Are you getting enough sleep? 

Are you eating enough, and is what you’re eating mostly made of nutritious foods? 

Are you getting enough physical activity?

Are you getting enough alone time to decompress, to reset your sensory overload, to spend time in your head, and relax?

I have found that 1) I feel so, so much better when I’m actively putting effort into my SNAP, and 2) if I feel weird, it’s way easier to narrow down what might be the problem by asking myself those questions. 

10/10 would recommend.

Perhaps we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us they know exactly how it should be done.

unknown (via samxcamargo)

Sorry for being vague. Well, I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, but they get irritated and sometimes angry because of my sensitivity and how hard it is for me to approach someone and hold a conversation, or do something simple like order food. They tell me that I need to get over it and act appropriate for my age. I want to talk to them about my AVPD so that they might better understand why I act like this and possibly be able to help, or at least not put as much pressure on me

Thanks so much for clarifying! I’m glad you did, because this turns out to be a very different post than I was planning to write.

First of all, here’s some really good clinical descriptions of Avoidant Personality Disorder: Cleveland Clinic, and DSM.

The most fundamental thing:

You don’t experience the world the same way your parents do.

You live in the same world, of course. But the way you perceive, interpret and experience it, is very different. It’s like your brain applies a different filter.

You have certain specific needs, ones that your parents do not have.

That means they can’t rely on “what works for them” as a guide to what will work for you.

(Further, excellent reading: the Usual Error.)

The fact is, certain things are actually harder for you than for most people. And certain things are actually damaging to you, even though they might not damage others.

It’s a real issue. Your parents need to understand that you can’t turn this off.

It got built-in, which is the whole problem; everything grew around it. It’s integrated with your entire personality and the way you exist in the world.

You can’t choose which parts of your life it affects or doesn’t. By definition, a PD harms almost every aspect of your life, whether you want it to or not.

And this fact doesn’t change just because someone is mad at you or is being inconvenienced by your difficulties.

Becoming un-disordered is a very, very intricate and painstaking process, and it does not happen by force.

Personality disorders are complex.

AvPD is part anxiety disorder, part codependency/boundary problems, part emotional dysfunction; and like other PD’s, it’s viciously self-reinforcing.

(Social anxiety could be a helpful frame of reference for your parents. AvPD is like social anxiety, but different & more complex, so it’s tougher to deal with.)

It is very hard to get out of the PD cycle. That’s why every one of us needs a lot of help before we can find our way out.

Personality disorders mean inflexibility.

Part of that is, we take the same approach to all kinds of different problems. Even when a different solution would work better, we cling to avoidance.

Other people can watch us do the same thing over again, even though it was a disaster the last three times, and wonder why we can’t learn.

It’s not that we don’t know how things “should” be, or how we “should” act. We’re already perfectionists! We don’t need you to tell us.

And when people announce that we’re failing, or point out what we’re doing wrong, or how to do it better, that makes it worse. 

It directly feeds our perfectionism, our fear of criticism, and our avoidance.

Knowing doesn’t fix it.

It’s not that kind of problem.

That’s why nobody can “snap us out of it” or make us “get over it.”

What we need is, to be given the chance to heal and grow.

We need to be cared for, accepted, and supported.

People with AvPD especially need help to get out of it. Avoidance keeps us in an ever-tightening loop of limited experiences. And then we have fewer opportunities to try new things; fewer chances to become more flexible.

It’s reallllly hard for us to “accidentally” get better.

Recovering from a personality disorder is a process of slowly untangling all the messed-up stuff in our head, and learning good useful stuff to replace it.

It’s kind of like “remedial” emotional education.

This is where therapy really shines – that’s what it’s for. A therapist can teach you about emotions, how to deal with them, and how to get your needs met.

But even further than that …

The relationship you have with a well-matched therapist is a corrective experience for you.

The things that led to this disorder, whatever they were, happened in the dimension of relating to others. You have emotional learning from that. It can’t be changed by thinking about it, or by willpower.

It has to be overwritten, by a new, healing connection with another human being.

Great therapy can do this. Certain great friendships or other relationships can too, if you approach them consciously and carefully.

But again: This doesn’t happen by accident. Your parents need to know that they can’t just ignore this problem and hope it will go away, because it won’t.

If you’re close to someone with AvPD…

… the very best thing you can do for them is make sure they know that you accept who and how they are; that you support whatever they want to do; and you love them unconditionally – there’s nothing they can do that will end your positive regard for them.

And then, prove it in actions. Even when it is not easy for you to do.

Having one little safe corner in our lives can help us cope, a lot.

And, Anon, that sounds like what you’re asking for. Hopefully, your parents will be patient and sympathetic enough to give that to you. <3

(Some more stuff specifically for/about them, under the readmore.)

So, your parents need to know that this isn’t new.

The fact that you’re only now telling them about it, doesn’t mean it just started happening.

This is a thing that has been there for a very long time. It is your “normal.” The only difference is, now you (and your parents) know there is a name for it.

Denying the name or denying that you have any problems …..isn’t going to remove the problems.

Your parents are probably going to have a lot of feelings about hearing this.

It’s hard to learn that your kid is struggling, that they have a real problem and you can’t make it go away. It is normal to wonder if it’s your fault or try to figure out what you did wrong.

It’s OK to have emotional reactions to this news. Absolutely fine.

But your kid needs you to be present with them right now, and they need you to listen to them, and take them seriously.

They need you to believe them.

If you need to go sort out your own feelings about it before you can do that, tell them so, go do that privately, and then come back to continue the discussion once you’re able to be supportive.

Be patient. Try very hard to be open-minded. Be willing to learn.

It is a huge act of trust for them to tell you about this stuff. Don’t let down that trust. Honestly, you’ll probably never get it back.

Here are some typical reactions when somebody finally gets diagnosed, or discovers there’s a name for what they experience (self-diagnosed).

Understandably, when you find out that your problems are a Real Thing, you’re pretty delighted. And you want to share it with the people close to you.

You are like, “yeah, woo! Finally, there is a name for this! There is vocabulary to express how it feels! There are other people who have this thing too! It’s not uncharted territory! I’m not alone!!!”

And then you are like, “Wait. People have gotten mad at me for the things I’ve done because of this problem, and that wasn’t fair. That hurt me. It wasn’t my fault, and I’m not a bad person. I’m not broken or defective. I’m not lazy. I’m not selfish. I’m doing the best I can to survive my own mind.

“How can they complain about getting splashed from standing next to me, when I’m the one getting the bucket of water dumped on my head?”

These are all, totally normal reactions to finally getting a diagnosis/finding words for what you’re dealing with. They are OK to feel; they’re just feelings, not moral judgments; and they are not anybody’s job to fix.

Generally, there’s two basic things you want to hear from your family.

First: “Wow, I had no idea you were experiencing this. That must have been so difficult and lonely. These issues aren’t your fault, and I never should have blamed you for having a hard time doing things. I’m sorry. What can I do to help you now?”

Second: “I am so happy for you! You’ve had to work so hard just to get by, and now you know the reason. Now you can actually figure out how this works and how to have a life and be happy! This is amazing, we are so proud! Tell us how we can support you so you can have an awesome life!”

And then you tell them what you need, which often comes down to: “Right now I just need to be reassured that you still love me, and then I want to discuss this again once I’ve figured out what to ask for.”

It’s a hard adjustment for a family (or a couple, or whatever) to make. And it’s scary, for everyone.

But if everyone remembers to breathe a little, to not assume the worst, and try listen to each other – you can get through it. And it can turn out to be a really good thing.

Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I'm almost certain I have AVPD and I'd like to explain it to my parents, since they've gotten upset over symptoms of AVPD that I've expressed and I want to tell them why I act like that. But they don't really think that PDs are a thing that exists. so how could I explain it to them so that they understand? thank you in advance !!

Hi there anon!

Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. The most important is probably:

What you want to accomplish by telling your parents

What your relationship with your parents is like

Would you mind sharing a bit more about the situation?

AvPD and healing self-esteem - tl;dr.

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder.)

AvPD disconnects you from others, from yourself, and from your feelings.

And that hurts. A lot.

It’s okay to try and fix it.

It’s okay to want to feel better.

And it’s okay to notice your feelings, even if they’re unpleasant.

When you feel judged on all sides, make a safe space for yourself. Find somewhere you can be totally alone and free of observation, like a private journal. Feel what it’s like to not have anyone looking over your shoulder -- maybe for the first time.

Explore your feelings. Get to know what you really think and want, when your opinion is the only one that matters.

When you can, be nice to yourself. Try giving yourself the benefit of the doubt.

Do things that feel good.

When you’re upset with yourself for messing up, consciously decide to look for things that you succeeded at instead. Make a list of wins.

Here’s how this relates to self-esteem.

When we describe what it feels like to have AvPD, it sounds like, “Everyone judges and hurts me.”

But people only have the power to decide how much we’re worth, because we aren’t taking charge of doing that ourselves.

When you reconnect with your feelings, create a judgment-free zone for yourself, and learn to treat yourself nicely, you’re giving value to yourself. You’re saying, “This matters. My feelings matter. I’m worth taking care of.”

Esteem means “favorable opinion or respect.” In the throes of AvPD, we survive on other people’s esteem for us -- it matters what they think, because that’s how we determine our self-worth. But when we shift to relying on self esteem, we can finally heal and begin to thrive.

When we give respect and value to ourselves, no one else can take it away.

And that’s why practicing self-care and self-kindness is so powerful and important.

(You can read more here, in the long version of this post.)

The best thing about bravery is even a little is enough.

Beau Taplin

You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact it may be necessary to encounter defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.

Maya Angelou (via recoveryisbeautiful)

The one thing you can control is how you treat yourself. And that one thing can change everything.

Leeana Tankersley (via psych2go)