I’m Here To Remind You To Hydrate And Smile! I Hope You Have A Sweet Sweeeet Day And I Hope October

You know when you ask yourself the 'hard' questions and it turns out that you don't even have an answer for yourself? When you question your beliefs and figure out that they actually have no basis? Okay watch this-

Thought: I'm not enough.

Me: What makes you say so? Where? Is there anything in particular? How? Did someone say something in regards to it?

I either come up blank or the instances that come to mind have NOTHING to do with me.

so dreamy - new music to discover, always! new books to get lost in, so many books!! I have not met all the people who will love me!! ooh look a new favorite!! broadening horizons, perspective shifts!! ooh wait, floral perfumes aren't actually that bad, I just needed to find one that hit the spot!! look at all this beauty around me!!

I am a canvas and every moment a brush stroke!

i think about this very often to but to be alive is such a privilege. you can smell flowers, eat freshly baked cookies, lose yourself in the pages of a new book, listen to heartwarming music and read soul crushing poetry, meet kind and funny people, learn something new. i think the miracle is in waking up every day

Can we talk about pouring into your cup first thing in the morning?!

It doesn't matter if I'm running late, it doesn't matter if I woke up late, whether I snooze the alarm to the very last second, I have something that needs to be done- one thing I will do, is do something for me before anything(cue anybody) else.

I strive for at least 10 minutes and anything is game, morning yoga, meditation, affirmations, morning stretch- whatever it may be goes a long way into setting my day up.

This way even if the day gets away from me like they're fraught to- things come up, things take longer than you expected/planned for, you're tired at the end of the day- I got ahead of it!

Life Hack

Find people who enjoy the things you do. Where your values align. It will save you a load of heartbreak.

have you ever been so excited about something and shared it with a loved one, a friend, family member or colleague and their reaction left you wanting? I'll be honest, their reaction sucked, it sucked all the life and excitement from you, so you learnt to keep quiet and keep things to yourself? this kills you slowly.

since I found people who appreciate the same things I do, the things I value? my life has significantly improved. the life and excitement is back. I have friends I know I can talk their ear off when it comes to fitness or yoga, I have friends who make me feel like I am in a bookclub.

find people who make it easy to be you. who encourage your full authentic expression. find different people for different things. I have friends who love me to death and till I figured out we didn't share the same interests I was miserable. I'd keep going to them and end up disappointed.

truth is think of times when someone brought up something that held no interest to you? you might not have shut them down but trust me your energy came across as detached, removed. its like this is my friend, I'll humor them, I'll listen but it just isn't the same.

then think of times when someone brought up something that interested you? how excited, how animated, how responsive you got? how long, how uninhibited, the conversation. the passion, your involvement. suddenly you're sharing your preferences, your icks, discussing any and everything?

find different people for different aspects of your life. I have a friend that I go to for education related stuff, I know that with her I'll be seen and heard and I'll come out of the interaction filled and fulfilled. I have friends I know I can vent and rant and be insane with and I won't get the urge to shrink or dim any part of me.

this occurred to me when I realized I didn't know anyone in my friend group who loves adventure and I was left wondering how I could fill the void. I answered my own question for example finding a bookclub if you like to read, joining a running club if that is something you would want to explore and so on and so forth.

this saves you from a lot of resentment when your friends can't be there for you, it also fills your life with so much juice. a full life.

a lesson I have been learning of late is that my friends don't have to be everything for me. it's okay to go to different people for different things. a community is much more sustainable and you can create your own or join an already existing one.

go live, I love you 🩷

I LOVE love it when my friends keep and hold me accountable. It's seriously so 🥺🥺. Like you see me, you want me to flourish, you care that I'm doing this life thing right, you want the best for me?!! And they do it ooh so gently. How amazing is it? 'kay bye, imma cry 😭😭

When I'm drawn to be judgemental and snarky I take a deep breath and remember to be a lil bit compassionate. I'm not always successful and say some things I probably shouldn't but it's the grace I'd love everyone else to have in my regard. So I keep trying.

A dying friendship looks like, 'hey, I have all this heavy stuff that you would help me carry and now I don't know where to put it down. I don't know how to carry any of it and I'm suffocating from the weight of it all'

Looks like, 'who am I supposed to tell about this heartbreak, you were my sounding board and now I don't know what to do'

Also all this happiness that I would share with you? It's all turning sour in me now. It was yours and until I figure out how to give it elsewhere it's no good. 'I met this guy-, tell me, tell me- you'd squeal from the other end' The chatter, the banter, the arguments, the quarrels I treasured all the moments and now there's none of that. Just a cavernous yawning.

Whenever I felt out of it you were there to hold my hand and get me through the murky waters. When I felt like crying you were just a text away, now my messages go unanswered for days. I don't even tell you when I'm crying anymore. I don't know how to exist in this new world that you're not a part of.

It's being so lost, so so lost. It's crying alone. It's carrying the hurt and pain alone. It's not knowing what to do. It's tentatively calling or sending a text and keeping my fingers crossed that it won't be 5 days till I hear from you. It's going to sleep anticipating your text. It's waking up praying that things would have gone back to a version of normal. That I would wake up to your dorky smile. It's hoping to see you in my notifications.

It's the not knowing when to stop trying. It's the brutal haemorrhage, hope is no worthy opponent to the violence, the bleeding just won't stop.

It's hoping and hoping and hoping some more. Maybe this is the one. Maybe if I send you this wholesome thing I saw that reminded me of you, you will be reminded of what we once shared. Maybe if I send you this funny meme you will remember how happy we once were. Maybe if I send you a song, oh wait we never shared the same taste in music so I can't even send you this song I know would convey just what I'm feeling, just what I hope for, you won't listen long enough to get the message behind it. Maybe if I send you a picture of us together you'll be transported into a memory.

Was it good? What we had, what we shared? Wasn't it magical? A daydream.

Only it was real. Only I lived it. Only I saw it. Only I touched it. Only I smelled it. Only I got to experience it. Only there's still pockets of it stored in my head. Only there's memories and pictures and letters and witnesses and momentos. All this reminders.

Proof I didn't dream it all up. I could wake up from this nightmare I am trapped in now if I could.

Only it's really happening. You're slipping right through my fingers, like I slipped right from your heart. All the clawing and kicking to hold on did no good. Barely left a mark. I can't reach you.

I only have this crumbs that you lay at my feet every now and then when you fancy. And it's disgusting how my whole being lights up at that. Even when I figure you're doing me a disservice.

Where did it all go wrong? I did everything I could and more. Why wasn't it enough? You only had to ask and I would have done even more.

Give yourself a fighting chance!

for so long I have fought myself, being an all or nothing girlie. I am a perfectionist and if I couldn't do it perfectly then guess what? it wasn't getting done and that was that.

fast-forward to now and I don't swing from one extreme to another. I have found things that help me. find ways to make whatever is holding you back work for you!

I don't let my perfectionism hold me back. if I see that I want to quit something because it's not going the way I want it to or it's not turning out exactly as I want it to- I have stopgaps in place instead of giving in to my tendencies.

if I have a goal, I will research and break it down to the nitty gritty. I will do all the due diligence. I will take it step by step. I would rather "waste my time" researching and planning, I would it takes me longer to achieve a goal thar could be achieved Ina lesser amount of time, I would rather feel like it's tedious at the beginning. but this is much better at ensuring I follow through. and taking a year to achieve a goal I could've achieved in 3 months is way better than quitting cold turkey and never finding out.

embracing my quirks gives me a fighting chance. embracing ≠ giving in to them

so instead of quitting or procrastinating because I want whatever to turn out perfect I 'perfect away'. I give myself a fighting chance.

I'm also trying to unlearn the conditioning and trying to change my beliefs around it. in the meantime I do the best I can.

subjecting yourself to suggested playlists and mixes because how else are you gonna discover new music? it's torture!! but the payoff? coming away from it with two new songs you're completely obsessed with? bliss!!

why do we believe that for us to get closure, it must've all gone up in flames, bridges burned down to cinders and ash

why can't we move on

why do we wish that they'd broken our hearts better

it's like there was destruction but it wasn't enough for me to see damage

I need to see the damage

I don't know, it's just messed up

we don't want the amicable ends

we want blood, sweat and tears

we want to hear words we can't come back from and say them back

we want to scream and cry and croak

we don't want to walk out with our hearts whole

gluttons for pain, destruction