So Dreamy - New Music To Discover, Always! New Books To Get Lost In, So Many Books!! I Have Not Met All

If your emotional bandwidth allows for it, have as many friends as you possibly can. It is paramount. Typically we're told two or three friends, then from there that's acquaintances or whatever other label they're given. But I'm imploring you to have lots of friends. Genuine, best interests at heart, nurturing friends. For so long I fed into the narrative and let me tell you-- what happens when your 3 friends are busy, are caught up in there lives, have outgrown you, you've outgrown some, they're on different stages of their journey, you're at a different stage? Doesn't necessarily have to be drifting apart, breaking up, toxic typa thing.

But as is human nature, loneliness will set in, resentment, anger, jealousy, sadness and all manner of emotions. But if you had other friends who you could still meet up with, with whom you'd fulfill your need for connection, feel seen and heard, who would hold space for you, I think you would be way better.

Some things are inevitable. There's gonna be relocation, work comes into the picture, some have families to raise now and you're gonna feel lonely, you're going to feel less than, left out, at some point you're even going to feel like you're failing. It's not that they're not making time, they just can't pour that much into you as before. Imagine a friend who now has to work up to Saturday's, they only have one day off to handle their affairs. They have to fix their family, you, their hobbies, their other relationships into this tiny day. Don't forget they have to rest, maybe do laundry, run personal errands and such. You really can't begrudge them if you don't get to see them as often as you were probably used to.

Tough love.

What comes to mind when you think of tough love? Maybe you've been lucky enough to have been tough-loved the right way. I on the other hand can't deny that it works, but at what cost? At what cost? How high is the price paid? Why can't we lovingly teach, mentor or lead?

If tough love is what I've known it to be up to this point, I want no more. I want no parts in it. All it's ever done is break my heart, shatter my spirit. For me it's been outright cruelty disguised as 'tough love', so excuse me while I get the hell away from it. It's harmed me more than it has helped me.

I needed tender, warm, soft love to bloom and flourish but they were more focused on giving me a spine of steel. They used a staff whereas I just needed a hand to hold. I see all the ways I might've turned out different. And I know, I know this might just be a life lie but you can't deny I would've turned out different. I think for the better, they thought for the worse.

All of that shit they did, that they explained away as 'tough love': 'we're only trying to help you, you'll see', 'we only want what's best for you', 'you'll appreciate this', 'we care because we love you' or 'we wouldn't do this if we didn't love you'. Tell me why 'this', why 'care', why 'love', why 'best' was abusive? Verbal, physical, emotional abuse. Tell me it wasn't manipulative?

Now anytime someone says, "tough love" to me, my breath hitches I tense up, readying myself for hurtful shit. And if I am this way, am I gonna be receptive to what they're gonna be saying or trying to get across? Is what they're referring to as tough love a guise for abuse and cruelty? Do they sound accusatory? What measures do they resort to? Do they believe that tough love is the only way there is?

And maybe, just maybe, sometimes we do need tough love. Just remember it isn't whatever that is, that leaves you questioning your existence; whatever that is, that breaks your spirit, hurts you, leaves you crying. And no, you can't tell me that someone who cares about you or your wellbeing doesn't have the capacity to not be cruel to you. Doesn't have the capacity to be firm but gentle with you, which is what tough love should be.

You know when you ask yourself the 'hard' questions and it turns out that you don't even have an answer for yourself? When you question your beliefs and figure out that they actually have no basis? Okay watch this-

Thought: I'm not enough.

Me: What makes you say so? Where? Is there anything in particular? How? Did someone say something in regards to it?

I either come up blank or the instances that come to mind have NOTHING to do with me.

What's better than discovering a new song or a new artist at the most opportune time? Like the universe granting you something to accompany you on whatever journey you're on then-- let's say you're falling in love, all giddy and you happen upon a love song or to my sad babies just finding a new song to be sad to right in the moment?!!

self improvement is insidious in that it could easily be "go, go, go" a vicious neverending cycle. much like perfection and the finish line that will always be moving as you approach it, always out of reach. you set goals, you achieve them, you raise the bar- when is it ever gonna be enough? you'll never be satisfied always striving, forever reaching. but happiness as we know is not a destination, it is available here and now. so is self acceptance. yes strive, yes work towards your goals but let it be from a place of self love. leave the self flagellation, the shoulds, the musts. you've gotta be enough for someone and who better than yourself! when are you gonna live and be present if you're an ongoing neverending project? self improve and still leave space for who you currently are. they deserve the kindness, the joy, the freedom you're denying them and saving for future you?

wear the clothes you wanna wear now even if you've not achieved your dream physique yet, just an example. in short do the thing you're waiting to do when you achieve whatever it is you've set your mind to.

they say not to borrow tomorrow's grief and imma say don't curtail today's joy waiting for tomorrow

When I'm drawn to be judgemental and snarky I take a deep breath and remember to be a lil bit compassionate. I'm not always successful and say some things I probably shouldn't but it's the grace I'd love everyone else to have in my regard. So I keep trying.

One thing I refuse to do, is force anyone to see my worth. I don't do that. I do not even try to make them see it. You either see it or you don't. But I'll know, from how they treat and handle me. And will then act accordingly. I will remove myself from situations where I'm treated like I am less than.

'Teach people how to treat you' and all but some treatment is just inhumane. You don't have to teach someone to recognize your inherent worth as a human being, as a person. On top of which they can recognize your worth and treat you even better but no- people just be acting clueless or entitled or as complete a** wipes.

~SM.

When does life start to feel heavy?

When your hobbies start to feel like chores

I just want the lightness and freedom back

A dying friendship looks like, 'hey, I have all this heavy stuff that you would help me carry and now I don't know where to put it down. I don't know how to carry any of it and I'm suffocating from the weight of it all'

Looks like, 'who am I supposed to tell about this heartbreak, you were my sounding board and now I don't know what to do'

Also all this happiness that I would share with you? It's all turning sour in me now. It was yours and until I figure out how to give it elsewhere it's no good. 'I met this guy-, tell me, tell me- you'd squeal from the other end' The chatter, the banter, the arguments, the quarrels I treasured all the moments and now there's none of that. Just a cavernous yawning.

Whenever I felt out of it you were there to hold my hand and get me through the murky waters. When I felt like crying you were just a text away, now my messages go unanswered for days. I don't even tell you when I'm crying anymore. I don't know how to exist in this new world that you're not a part of.

It's being so lost, so so lost. It's crying alone. It's carrying the hurt and pain alone. It's not knowing what to do. It's tentatively calling or sending a text and keeping my fingers crossed that it won't be 5 days till I hear from you. It's going to sleep anticipating your text. It's waking up praying that things would have gone back to a version of normal. That I would wake up to your dorky smile. It's hoping to see you in my notifications.

It's the not knowing when to stop trying. It's the brutal haemorrhage, hope is no worthy opponent to the violence, the bleeding just won't stop.

It's hoping and hoping and hoping some more. Maybe this is the one. Maybe if I send you this wholesome thing I saw that reminded me of you, you will be reminded of what we once shared. Maybe if I send you this funny meme you will remember how happy we once were. Maybe if I send you a song, oh wait we never shared the same taste in music so I can't even send you this song I know would convey just what I'm feeling, just what I hope for, you won't listen long enough to get the message behind it. Maybe if I send you a picture of us together you'll be transported into a memory.

Was it good? What we had, what we shared? Wasn't it magical? A daydream.

Only it was real. Only I lived it. Only I saw it. Only I touched it. Only I smelled it. Only I got to experience it. Only there's still pockets of it stored in my head. Only there's memories and pictures and letters and witnesses and momentos. All this reminders.

Proof I didn't dream it all up. I could wake up from this nightmare I am trapped in now if I could.

Only it's really happening. You're slipping right through my fingers, like I slipped right from your heart. All the clawing and kicking to hold on did no good. Barely left a mark. I can't reach you.

I only have this crumbs that you lay at my feet every now and then when you fancy. And it's disgusting how my whole being lights up at that. Even when I figure you're doing me a disservice.

Where did it all go wrong? I did everything I could and more. Why wasn't it enough? You only had to ask and I would have done even more.

Impulsively gets loads of ear piercings...