When I'm Drawn To Be Judgemental And Snarky I Take A Deep Breath And Remember To Be A Lil Bit Compassionate.

Impulsively gets loads of ear piercings...

I’m here to remind you to hydrate and smile! I hope you have a sweet sweeeet day and I hope October is treating you well ☁️ oh also, I’m proud of you for doing your best it’s good enough

Been hydrating and this just made me cheese/smile so hard you have no idea. Didn't see this earlier but I got to it when I needed it the most. You're the sweetest ✨ and I hope your existence is as sweet and thoughtful as you are. Thank you lovely.

You know when you watch people doing something and they make it look so effortless? And it's so zen and so aesthetically pleasing? But when you try to do the same thing, following the exact same steps it's all fireworks and bombs going off, frustration, perspiration?!! Everything is just off, nowhere near zen 🤦🤦

A dying friendship looks like, 'hey, I have all this heavy stuff that you would help me carry and now I don't know where to put it down. I don't know how to carry any of it and I'm suffocating from the weight of it all'

Looks like, 'who am I supposed to tell about this heartbreak, you were my sounding board and now I don't know what to do'

Also all this happiness that I would share with you? It's all turning sour in me now. It was yours and until I figure out how to give it elsewhere it's no good. 'I met this guy-, tell me, tell me- you'd squeal from the other end' The chatter, the banter, the arguments, the quarrels I treasured all the moments and now there's none of that. Just a cavernous yawning.

Whenever I felt out of it you were there to hold my hand and get me through the murky waters. When I felt like crying you were just a text away, now my messages go unanswered for days. I don't even tell you when I'm crying anymore. I don't know how to exist in this new world that you're not a part of.

It's being so lost, so so lost. It's crying alone. It's carrying the hurt and pain alone. It's not knowing what to do. It's tentatively calling or sending a text and keeping my fingers crossed that it won't be 5 days till I hear from you. It's going to sleep anticipating your text. It's waking up praying that things would have gone back to a version of normal. That I would wake up to your dorky smile. It's hoping to see you in my notifications.

It's the not knowing when to stop trying. It's the brutal haemorrhage, hope is no worthy opponent to the violence, the bleeding just won't stop.

It's hoping and hoping and hoping some more. Maybe this is the one. Maybe if I send you this wholesome thing I saw that reminded me of you, you will be reminded of what we once shared. Maybe if I send you this funny meme you will remember how happy we once were. Maybe if I send you a song, oh wait we never shared the same taste in music so I can't even send you this song I know would convey just what I'm feeling, just what I hope for, you won't listen long enough to get the message behind it. Maybe if I send you a picture of us together you'll be transported into a memory.

Was it good? What we had, what we shared? Wasn't it magical? A daydream.

Only it was real. Only I lived it. Only I saw it. Only I touched it. Only I smelled it. Only I got to experience it. Only there's still pockets of it stored in my head. Only there's memories and pictures and letters and witnesses and momentos. All this reminders.

Proof I didn't dream it all up. I could wake up from this nightmare I am trapped in now if I could.

Only it's really happening. You're slipping right through my fingers, like I slipped right from your heart. All the clawing and kicking to hold on did no good. Barely left a mark. I can't reach you.

I only have this crumbs that you lay at my feet every now and then when you fancy. And it's disgusting how my whole being lights up at that. Even when I figure you're doing me a disservice.

Where did it all go wrong? I did everything I could and more. Why wasn't it enough? You only had to ask and I would have done even more.

Me: excited to share something with other people

Flashes in my head: energy bitch, their energy could throw it all off

Me: bites tongue as the smile and excitement leave me

"I don't really believe you, but I trust you. I'm choosing to trust you and if in any case you're lying you're breaking that trust."

I've found myself going back to this recently, whenever I feel like someone is lying to me. I could run myself into the ground trying to figure out the lies or I could just let it go. Sometimes people we care about, people we trust lie to us. Sometimes it's all in our heads. We don't always believe them or have to believe them. Since I'm still learning how to operate from a healed place and not a wounded one, I hold grace for how I choose to respond.

And I think that phrase just helps me take a moment. Take a step back and assess the situation or not get too in my head about something that could really just be that, 'in my head'.

This is coming from someone who has a hard time trusting or believing people. I have such a distrustful nature, that I'm trying to work on and until I figure it out, I will not be projecting that onto unsuspecting, undeserving folks. I figure it can't be easy to always hear, "you're lying" or a version of it when you're being nothing but honest. Baring your heart out or giving an account of events or just about anything.

So I repeat the phrase to myself till I calm down. Till I don't want to pick a fight or shut down because I feel like someone is lying to me, taking me for a ride. Till I don't feel as triggered. Because I want to be better. Because the people in my life deserve better and that hinges greatly on who I am or choose to be. On how I respond to the information I receive, lies or no lies.

self improvement is insidious in that it could easily be "go, go, go" a vicious neverending cycle. much like perfection and the finish line that will always be moving as you approach it, always out of reach. you set goals, you achieve them, you raise the bar- when is it ever gonna be enough? you'll never be satisfied always striving, forever reaching. but happiness as we know is not a destination, it is available here and now. so is self acceptance. yes strive, yes work towards your goals but let it be from a place of self love. leave the self flagellation, the shoulds, the musts. you've gotta be enough for someone and who better than yourself! when are you gonna live and be present if you're an ongoing neverending project? self improve and still leave space for who you currently are. they deserve the kindness, the joy, the freedom you're denying them and saving for future you?

wear the clothes you wanna wear now even if you've not achieved your dream physique yet, just an example. in short do the thing you're waiting to do when you achieve whatever it is you've set your mind to.

they say not to borrow tomorrow's grief and imma say don't curtail today's joy waiting for tomorrow

Tough love.

What comes to mind when you think of tough love? Maybe you've been lucky enough to have been tough-loved the right way. I on the other hand can't deny that it works, but at what cost? At what cost? How high is the price paid? Why can't we lovingly teach, mentor or lead?

If tough love is what I've known it to be up to this point, I want no more. I want no parts in it. All it's ever done is break my heart, shatter my spirit. For me it's been outright cruelty disguised as 'tough love', so excuse me while I get the hell away from it. It's harmed me more than it has helped me.

I needed tender, warm, soft love to bloom and flourish but they were more focused on giving me a spine of steel. They used a staff whereas I just needed a hand to hold. I see all the ways I might've turned out different. And I know, I know this might just be a life lie but you can't deny I would've turned out different. I think for the better, they thought for the worse.

All of that shit they did, that they explained away as 'tough love': 'we're only trying to help you, you'll see', 'we only want what's best for you', 'you'll appreciate this', 'we care because we love you' or 'we wouldn't do this if we didn't love you'. Tell me why 'this', why 'care', why 'love', why 'best' was abusive? Verbal, physical, emotional abuse. Tell me it wasn't manipulative?

Now anytime someone says, "tough love" to me, my breath hitches I tense up, readying myself for hurtful shit. And if I am this way, am I gonna be receptive to what they're gonna be saying or trying to get across? Is what they're referring to as tough love a guise for abuse and cruelty? Do they sound accusatory? What measures do they resort to? Do they believe that tough love is the only way there is?

And maybe, just maybe, sometimes we do need tough love. Just remember it isn't whatever that is, that leaves you questioning your existence; whatever that is, that breaks your spirit, hurts you, leaves you crying. And no, you can't tell me that someone who cares about you or your wellbeing doesn't have the capacity to not be cruel to you. Doesn't have the capacity to be firm but gentle with you, which is what tough love should be.

Life Hack

Find people who enjoy the things you do. Where your values align. It will save you a load of heartbreak.

have you ever been so excited about something and shared it with a loved one, a friend, family member or colleague and their reaction left you wanting? I'll be honest, their reaction sucked, it sucked all the life and excitement from you, so you learnt to keep quiet and keep things to yourself? this kills you slowly.

since I found people who appreciate the same things I do, the things I value? my life has significantly improved. the life and excitement is back. I have friends I know I can talk their ear off when it comes to fitness or yoga, I have friends who make me feel like I am in a bookclub.

find people who make it easy to be you. who encourage your full authentic expression. find different people for different things. I have friends who love me to death and till I figured out we didn't share the same interests I was miserable. I'd keep going to them and end up disappointed.

truth is think of times when someone brought up something that held no interest to you? you might not have shut them down but trust me your energy came across as detached, removed. its like this is my friend, I'll humor them, I'll listen but it just isn't the same.

then think of times when someone brought up something that interested you? how excited, how animated, how responsive you got? how long, how uninhibited, the conversation. the passion, your involvement. suddenly you're sharing your preferences, your icks, discussing any and everything?

find different people for different aspects of your life. I have a friend that I go to for education related stuff, I know that with her I'll be seen and heard and I'll come out of the interaction filled and fulfilled. I have friends I know I can vent and rant and be insane with and I won't get the urge to shrink or dim any part of me.

this occurred to me when I realized I didn't know anyone in my friend group who loves adventure and I was left wondering how I could fill the void. I answered my own question for example finding a bookclub if you like to read, joining a running club if that is something you would want to explore and so on and so forth.

this saves you from a lot of resentment when your friends can't be there for you, it also fills your life with so much juice. a full life.

a lesson I have been learning of late is that my friends don't have to be everything for me. it's okay to go to different people for different things. a community is much more sustainable and you can create your own or join an already existing one.

go live, I love you 🩷

What's better than discovering a new song or a new artist at the most opportune time? Like the universe granting you something to accompany you on whatever journey you're on then-- let's say you're falling in love, all giddy and you happen upon a love song or to my sad babies just finding a new song to be sad to right in the moment?!!