Give Yourself A Fighting Chance!

Me: excited to share something with other people

Flashes in my head: energy bitch, their energy could throw it all off

Me: bites tongue as the smile and excitement leave me

Words aren't everything I swear- I'll die screaming this!!

"Sorry if I hurt you" the only thing that can make this insincere is the intention behind it. I promise you there are people who've learnt the art of saying the right thing without meaning any of it. It's not a manipulative tactic because let's face it sometimes we do things and we don't anticipate the outcome. I'm acknowledging that I hurt you even though that wasn't my intention. You've gotta see that.

What's manipulative is craftly wording apologies, or requests to throw people for a loop. What's manipulative is saying, "sorry that I hurt you" when you don't mean shit, you're not apologetic, you're just saying that to get back in someone's good graces.

I'll scream that till my face is blue. It doesn't mean you shouldn't be intentional with your words, I just need you to understand that even intentionally worded apologies will do you no good and this is where I agree with Nina if they don't take accountability and understand the impact of their actions.

When I say, "sorry if I hurt you, but-" what I mean is when I did said action hurting you wasn't my intention but now I know doing that hurt you and for that I am sorry. This is where I'm coming from. I didn't just set out to hurt you. And this shouldn't excuse repeat offenders, because they knew and still went ahead and did it. This is only for those out of the blue, once in a while times.

Sorry if I hurt you, but- I was triggered//I was having a bad day//you touched a sore spot//I didn't know this was a sore spot for you// I think it's important to also see where someone is coming from. What's important for me is intention. What's important is honesty. What's important is that you see that what you did hurt me and you avoid a repeat of it if we have a conversation about it. If you don't hold space for each other to be honest, true and vulnerable what's the use? What's the use of surface level apologies and communication because this is what you should say or this is how you should say what needs to be said?

In essence words will never be able to capture all that we're trying to convey.

"You can come if you want to," that offers me grace and space. It doesn't put pressure on me like, "I want you to come" because then there's not a lot of wiggle room for me when I want to back out. For some of y'all that spells doom, that they didn't want you there and if they wanted you there they would've said something along the lines of -

That's your interpretation. That's you reading between the lines. That's your comprehension of what they said. You can either ask for clarity or jump to your own conclusions.

I'll add more common phrases I've come across as I remember them.

I've been told I lack social skills 😂😂

A dying friendship looks like, 'hey, I have all this heavy stuff that you would help me carry and now I don't know where to put it down. I don't know how to carry any of it and I'm suffocating from the weight of it all'

Looks like, 'who am I supposed to tell about this heartbreak, you were my sounding board and now I don't know what to do'

Also all this happiness that I would share with you? It's all turning sour in me now. It was yours and until I figure out how to give it elsewhere it's no good. 'I met this guy-, tell me, tell me- you'd squeal from the other end' The chatter, the banter, the arguments, the quarrels I treasured all the moments and now there's none of that. Just a cavernous yawning.

Whenever I felt out of it you were there to hold my hand and get me through the murky waters. When I felt like crying you were just a text away, now my messages go unanswered for days. I don't even tell you when I'm crying anymore. I don't know how to exist in this new world that you're not a part of.

It's being so lost, so so lost. It's crying alone. It's carrying the hurt and pain alone. It's not knowing what to do. It's tentatively calling or sending a text and keeping my fingers crossed that it won't be 5 days till I hear from you. It's going to sleep anticipating your text. It's waking up praying that things would have gone back to a version of normal. That I would wake up to your dorky smile. It's hoping to see you in my notifications.

It's the not knowing when to stop trying. It's the brutal haemorrhage, hope is no worthy opponent to the violence, the bleeding just won't stop.

It's hoping and hoping and hoping some more. Maybe this is the one. Maybe if I send you this wholesome thing I saw that reminded me of you, you will be reminded of what we once shared. Maybe if I send you this funny meme you will remember how happy we once were. Maybe if I send you a song, oh wait we never shared the same taste in music so I can't even send you this song I know would convey just what I'm feeling, just what I hope for, you won't listen long enough to get the message behind it. Maybe if I send you a picture of us together you'll be transported into a memory.

Was it good? What we had, what we shared? Wasn't it magical? A daydream.

Only it was real. Only I lived it. Only I saw it. Only I touched it. Only I smelled it. Only I got to experience it. Only there's still pockets of it stored in my head. Only there's memories and pictures and letters and witnesses and momentos. All this reminders.

Proof I didn't dream it all up. I could wake up from this nightmare I am trapped in now if I could.

Only it's really happening. You're slipping right through my fingers, like I slipped right from your heart. All the clawing and kicking to hold on did no good. Barely left a mark. I can't reach you.

I only have this crumbs that you lay at my feet every now and then when you fancy. And it's disgusting how my whole being lights up at that. Even when I figure you're doing me a disservice.

Where did it all go wrong? I did everything I could and more. Why wasn't it enough? You only had to ask and I would have done even more.

Have a friend that you genuinely love and you're always excited to tell all that's going on with/in your life? Relationships, work, new beginnings etc but you notice everytime you tell them whatever it was never works out?

Life Hack

Find people who enjoy the things you do. Where your values align. It will save you a load of heartbreak.

have you ever been so excited about something and shared it with a loved one, a friend, family member or colleague and their reaction left you wanting? I'll be honest, their reaction sucked, it sucked all the life and excitement from you, so you learnt to keep quiet and keep things to yourself? this kills you slowly.

since I found people who appreciate the same things I do, the things I value? my life has significantly improved. the life and excitement is back. I have friends I know I can talk their ear off when it comes to fitness or yoga, I have friends who make me feel like I am in a bookclub.

find people who make it easy to be you. who encourage your full authentic expression. find different people for different things. I have friends who love me to death and till I figured out we didn't share the same interests I was miserable. I'd keep going to them and end up disappointed.

truth is think of times when someone brought up something that held no interest to you? you might not have shut them down but trust me your energy came across as detached, removed. its like this is my friend, I'll humor them, I'll listen but it just isn't the same.

then think of times when someone brought up something that interested you? how excited, how animated, how responsive you got? how long, how uninhibited, the conversation. the passion, your involvement. suddenly you're sharing your preferences, your icks, discussing any and everything?

find different people for different aspects of your life. I have a friend that I go to for education related stuff, I know that with her I'll be seen and heard and I'll come out of the interaction filled and fulfilled. I have friends I know I can vent and rant and be insane with and I won't get the urge to shrink or dim any part of me.

this occurred to me when I realized I didn't know anyone in my friend group who loves adventure and I was left wondering how I could fill the void. I answered my own question for example finding a bookclub if you like to read, joining a running club if that is something you would want to explore and so on and so forth.

this saves you from a lot of resentment when your friends can't be there for you, it also fills your life with so much juice. a full life.

a lesson I have been learning of late is that my friends don't have to be everything for me. it's okay to go to different people for different things. a community is much more sustainable and you can create your own or join an already existing one.

go live, I love you 🩷

Can we talk about pouring into your cup first thing in the morning?!

It doesn't matter if I'm running late, it doesn't matter if I woke up late, whether I snooze the alarm to the very last second, I have something that needs to be done- one thing I will do, is do something for me before anything(cue anybody) else.

I strive for at least 10 minutes and anything is game, morning yoga, meditation, affirmations, morning stretch- whatever it may be goes a long way into setting my day up.

This way even if the day gets away from me like they're fraught to- things come up, things take longer than you expected/planned for, you're tired at the end of the day- I got ahead of it!

"I don't really believe you, but I trust you. I'm choosing to trust you and if in any case you're lying you're breaking that trust."

I've found myself going back to this recently, whenever I feel like someone is lying to me. I could run myself into the ground trying to figure out the lies or I could just let it go. Sometimes people we care about, people we trust lie to us. Sometimes it's all in our heads. We don't always believe them or have to believe them. Since I'm still learning how to operate from a healed place and not a wounded one, I hold grace for how I choose to respond.

And I think that phrase just helps me take a moment. Take a step back and assess the situation or not get too in my head about something that could really just be that, 'in my head'.

This is coming from someone who has a hard time trusting or believing people. I have such a distrustful nature, that I'm trying to work on and until I figure it out, I will not be projecting that onto unsuspecting, undeserving folks. I figure it can't be easy to always hear, "you're lying" or a version of it when you're being nothing but honest. Baring your heart out or giving an account of events or just about anything.

So I repeat the phrase to myself till I calm down. Till I don't want to pick a fight or shut down because I feel like someone is lying to me, taking me for a ride. Till I don't feel as triggered. Because I want to be better. Because the people in my life deserve better and that hinges greatly on who I am or choose to be. On how I respond to the information I receive, lies or no lies.

One thing I refuse to do, is force anyone to see my worth. I don't do that. I do not even try to make them see it. You either see it or you don't. But I'll know, from how they treat and handle me. And will then act accordingly. I will remove myself from situations where I'm treated like I am less than.

'Teach people how to treat you' and all but some treatment is just inhumane. You don't have to teach someone to recognize your inherent worth as a human being, as a person. On top of which they can recognize your worth and treat you even better but no- people just be acting clueless or entitled or as complete a** wipes.

~SM.

I LOVE love it when my friends keep and hold me accountable. It's seriously so 🥺🥺. Like you see me, you want me to flourish, you care that I'm doing this life thing right, you want the best for me?!! And they do it ooh so gently. How amazing is it? 'kay bye, imma cry 😭😭

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.”

— Gloria Naylor