"I Don't Really Believe You, But I Trust You. I'm Choosing To Trust You And If In Any Case You're Lying

Have a friend that you genuinely love and you're always excited to tell all that's going on with/in your life? Relationships, work, new beginnings etc but you notice everytime you tell them whatever it was never works out?

If your emotional bandwidth allows for it, have as many friends as you possibly can. It is paramount. Typically we're told two or three friends, then from there that's acquaintances or whatever other label they're given. But I'm imploring you to have lots of friends. Genuine, best interests at heart, nurturing friends. For so long I fed into the narrative and let me tell you-- what happens when your 3 friends are busy, are caught up in there lives, have outgrown you, you've outgrown some, they're on different stages of their journey, you're at a different stage? Doesn't necessarily have to be drifting apart, breaking up, toxic typa thing.

But as is human nature, loneliness will set in, resentment, anger, jealousy, sadness and all manner of emotions. But if you had other friends who you could still meet up with, with whom you'd fulfill your need for connection, feel seen and heard, who would hold space for you, I think you would be way better.

Some things are inevitable. There's gonna be relocation, work comes into the picture, some have families to raise now and you're gonna feel lonely, you're going to feel less than, left out, at some point you're even going to feel like you're failing. It's not that they're not making time, they just can't pour that much into you as before. Imagine a friend who now has to work up to Saturday's, they only have one day off to handle their affairs. They have to fix their family, you, their hobbies, their other relationships into this tiny day. Don't forget they have to rest, maybe do laundry, run personal errands and such. You really can't begrudge them if you don't get to see them as often as you were probably used to.

self improvement is insidious in that it could easily be "go, go, go" a vicious neverending cycle. much like perfection and the finish line that will always be moving as you approach it, always out of reach. you set goals, you achieve them, you raise the bar- when is it ever gonna be enough? you'll never be satisfied always striving, forever reaching. but happiness as we know is not a destination, it is available here and now. so is self acceptance. yes strive, yes work towards your goals but let it be from a place of self love. leave the self flagellation, the shoulds, the musts. you've gotta be enough for someone and who better than yourself! when are you gonna live and be present if you're an ongoing neverending project? self improve and still leave space for who you currently are. they deserve the kindness, the joy, the freedom you're denying them and saving for future you?

wear the clothes you wanna wear now even if you've not achieved your dream physique yet, just an example. in short do the thing you're waiting to do when you achieve whatever it is you've set your mind to.

they say not to borrow tomorrow's grief and imma say don't curtail today's joy waiting for tomorrow

A dying friendship looks like, 'hey, I have all this heavy stuff that you would help me carry and now I don't know where to put it down. I don't know how to carry any of it and I'm suffocating from the weight of it all'

Looks like, 'who am I supposed to tell about this heartbreak, you were my sounding board and now I don't know what to do'

Also all this happiness that I would share with you? It's all turning sour in me now. It was yours and until I figure out how to give it elsewhere it's no good. 'I met this guy-, tell me, tell me- you'd squeal from the other end' The chatter, the banter, the arguments, the quarrels I treasured all the moments and now there's none of that. Just a cavernous yawning.

Whenever I felt out of it you were there to hold my hand and get me through the murky waters. When I felt like crying you were just a text away, now my messages go unanswered for days. I don't even tell you when I'm crying anymore. I don't know how to exist in this new world that you're not a part of.

It's being so lost, so so lost. It's crying alone. It's carrying the hurt and pain alone. It's not knowing what to do. It's tentatively calling or sending a text and keeping my fingers crossed that it won't be 5 days till I hear from you. It's going to sleep anticipating your text. It's waking up praying that things would have gone back to a version of normal. That I would wake up to your dorky smile. It's hoping to see you in my notifications.

It's the not knowing when to stop trying. It's the brutal haemorrhage, hope is no worthy opponent to the violence, the bleeding just won't stop.

It's hoping and hoping and hoping some more. Maybe this is the one. Maybe if I send you this wholesome thing I saw that reminded me of you, you will be reminded of what we once shared. Maybe if I send you this funny meme you will remember how happy we once were. Maybe if I send you a song, oh wait we never shared the same taste in music so I can't even send you this song I know would convey just what I'm feeling, just what I hope for, you won't listen long enough to get the message behind it. Maybe if I send you a picture of us together you'll be transported into a memory.

Was it good? What we had, what we shared? Wasn't it magical? A daydream.

Only it was real. Only I lived it. Only I saw it. Only I touched it. Only I smelled it. Only I got to experience it. Only there's still pockets of it stored in my head. Only there's memories and pictures and letters and witnesses and momentos. All this reminders.

Proof I didn't dream it all up. I could wake up from this nightmare I am trapped in now if I could.

Only it's really happening. You're slipping right through my fingers, like I slipped right from your heart. All the clawing and kicking to hold on did no good. Barely left a mark. I can't reach you.

I only have this crumbs that you lay at my feet every now and then when you fancy. And it's disgusting how my whole being lights up at that. Even when I figure you're doing me a disservice.

Where did it all go wrong? I did everything I could and more. Why wasn't it enough? You only had to ask and I would have done even more.

Words aren't everything I swear- I'll die screaming this!!

"Sorry if I hurt you" the only thing that can make this insincere is the intention behind it. I promise you there are people who've learnt the art of saying the right thing without meaning any of it. It's not a manipulative tactic because let's face it sometimes we do things and we don't anticipate the outcome. I'm acknowledging that I hurt you even though that wasn't my intention. You've gotta see that.

What's manipulative is craftly wording apologies, or requests to throw people for a loop. What's manipulative is saying, "sorry that I hurt you" when you don't mean shit, you're not apologetic, you're just saying that to get back in someone's good graces.

I'll scream that till my face is blue. It doesn't mean you shouldn't be intentional with your words, I just need you to understand that even intentionally worded apologies will do you no good and this is where I agree with Nina if they don't take accountability and understand the impact of their actions.

When I say, "sorry if I hurt you, but-" what I mean is when I did said action hurting you wasn't my intention but now I know doing that hurt you and for that I am sorry. This is where I'm coming from. I didn't just set out to hurt you. And this shouldn't excuse repeat offenders, because they knew and still went ahead and did it. This is only for those out of the blue, once in a while times.

Sorry if I hurt you, but- I was triggered//I was having a bad day//you touched a sore spot//I didn't know this was a sore spot for you// I think it's important to also see where someone is coming from. What's important for me is intention. What's important is honesty. What's important is that you see that what you did hurt me and you avoid a repeat of it if we have a conversation about it. If you don't hold space for each other to be honest, true and vulnerable what's the use? What's the use of surface level apologies and communication because this is what you should say or this is how you should say what needs to be said?

In essence words will never be able to capture all that we're trying to convey.

"You can come if you want to," that offers me grace and space. It doesn't put pressure on me like, "I want you to come" because then there's not a lot of wiggle room for me when I want to back out. For some of y'all that spells doom, that they didn't want you there and if they wanted you there they would've said something along the lines of -

That's your interpretation. That's you reading between the lines. That's your comprehension of what they said. You can either ask for clarity or jump to your own conclusions.

I'll add more common phrases I've come across as I remember them.

I've been told I lack social skills 😂😂

What's better than discovering a new song or a new artist at the most opportune time? Like the universe granting you something to accompany you on whatever journey you're on then-- let's say you're falling in love, all giddy and you happen upon a love song or to my sad babies just finding a new song to be sad to right in the moment?!!

Can we talk about pouring into your cup first thing in the morning?!

It doesn't matter if I'm running late, it doesn't matter if I woke up late, whether I snooze the alarm to the very last second, I have something that needs to be done- one thing I will do, is do something for me before anything(cue anybody) else.

I strive for at least 10 minutes and anything is game, morning yoga, meditation, affirmations, morning stretch- whatever it may be goes a long way into setting my day up.

This way even if the day gets away from me like they're fraught to- things come up, things take longer than you expected/planned for, you're tired at the end of the day- I got ahead of it!

When does life start to feel heavy?

When your hobbies start to feel like chores

I just want the lightness and freedom back

One thing I refuse to do, is force anyone to see my worth. I don't do that. I do not even try to make them see it. You either see it or you don't. But I'll know, from how they treat and handle me. And will then act accordingly. I will remove myself from situations where I'm treated like I am less than.

'Teach people how to treat you' and all but some treatment is just inhumane. You don't have to teach someone to recognize your inherent worth as a human being, as a person. On top of which they can recognize your worth and treat you even better but no- people just be acting clueless or entitled or as complete a** wipes.

~SM.

You know when you watch people doing something and they make it look so effortless? And it's so zen and so aesthetically pleasing? But when you try to do the same thing, following the exact same steps it's all fireworks and bombs going off, frustration, perspiration?!! Everything is just off, nowhere near zen 🤦🤦