Latest Posts by stygian2night - Page 8

I understand it’s probably bc he’s Baby and all but like. there are not enough jokes about the fact that Jack is the actual literal antichrist. like. the fact that satan possessed the president and then slept with a monica lewinsky character insert and produced a ball of sunshine is already incredibly funny but. we’re sleeping on a world of comedy here. do you think Dean ever made him watch the omen movies?

Jack: Why did you kill that fly?

Dean: It was annoying me.

Jack: So we can kill things that annoy us?

Dean: Yes. Obviously.

Jack: Is that why monsters try to kill you?

Dean: Oh, you-

Sam: Better watch what you say, Dean.

Dean: Or what?

Castiel: Or you will look like that fly.

Dean: I'm just going to walk away.

Sam: Good idea.

Incorrect Quotes 4

Chuck: okay, who broke this

Michael: Gabriel

Lucifer: Gabriel

Gabriel: Gabriel

Chuck:

Gabriel: fuck

------------------------------------------

Gabriel: how sad

Lucifer: are you okay?

Gabriel: I wanted to take Sam out for dinner but I don't have any money

Lucifer: no problem bro, We're best bros right? I'll take out your boyfriend for ya

Gabriel: really?! Thanks Luci

Lucifer: That's what bros do

[Later]

Gabriel:

Gabriel: wait a damn minute

---------------------------------------------

Jack: Dean I need help with my new poetry course! Can you tell me one rhyme quickly?

Dean: let's see...

Dean: roses are red, I ate a burrito, poetry has no sense, Despacito

Jack: why are you like this?

------------------------------------------------

Charlie: you know we can find and follow phones by the GPS right?

Dean: wha- really?

Cas: don't worry I know you stop in the donut shop when you go for a walk

Dean:

Dean: I don't even go walking... I go by car

----------------------------------------

Jack: everyday I take one dollar from Dean's wallet

Jack: I've been doing this for three years

Jack: now I have more than 1000$

-----------------------------------------------

Cas similing:

Dean: I'm gonna punch him in the face

Sam: what the hell, why?

Dean: he is very cute and his smile is brighter than the sun

Dean: I'm gonna hit him

Sam: or maybe you can confess your feelings to him...

Dean:

Dean: no.

-------------------------------------------

Cas: the food is too hot. I can't eat this

Dean: you're too hot but I still eat you

Sam: ONE DINNER, GUYS. I JUST WANTED ONE. FUCKING. DINNER.

--------------------------------------------

[texting]

Dean: hi

Castiel: hello

Dean: hola

Casyiel: come eat ass

Castiel: NO

Castiel: estas***

Dean: HAHAHAHHAHA THAT'S IT I'M DONE

----------------------------------------------

Sam: Hay can you move away from me? I'm claustrophobic

Gabriel: what does claustrophobic mean?

Dean: it means he's afraid of Santa Claus

Sam: no, you idiot

Gabriel: OH OH OH

Castiel: STOP IT GABRIEL YOU'RE SCARING HIM

---------------------------------------

Castiel: how do you feel?

Dean: I do not

Incorrect Quotes 9

Sam: you can ask me one question, and one question only that I will answer

Jack: why aren't there uppercase and lowercase numbers?

Sam: what?

Jack: I wanna write angry numbers

---------------------------------------------

Dean: you read my diary?!?

Castiel: I didn't realize it was your diary

Castiel: at first, I thought it was a sad, handwritten book

------------------------------------------

Sam: I'm here

Sam: come out

Dean: I'm bisexual

Sam: I love you and support you, but I meant that I'm outside

---------------------------------------------

Jack: shouldn't we find Gabe?

Lucifer: oh he'll be back

Gabriel: hi guys!

Lucifer: see! Like a shit terminator

---------------------------------------

Dean: what's the WiFi password?

Sam: we are at a funeral

Dean: with spaces in between?

Dean: it didn't work

---------------------------------------

Dean: handcuffs? Kinky

Cop: first of all, I'm a cop

Cop: second of all, you're being arrested

-----------------------------------------

Adam: are you mad?

Michael: no.

Adam: so sharpening knives at 2am is just a hobby?

-------------------------------------------------------

Sam: Dean, we need to talk about your will

Dean: what about it?

Sam: the only thing it says is "bury me with seven extra bones to fuck with archeologists lmao"

------------------------------------------------

Gabriel: are you talking to youself?

Sam: yes

Sam: it's the only way I can have an intelligent conversation here

-----------------------------------------------

Sam: if I ever get killed by a seriar killer, I will die doing what I love doing

Sam: learning too much about seriel killers

-------------------------------------------

Dean: so what's your favourite position in bed?

Castiel: near the wall so I can use my phone while charging

Dean: seriously?

Castiel: what?

----------------------------------------------------

Sam: how are you sleeping?

Dean: like a baby

Dean: every two hours I wake up sreaming

----------------------------------------------

Gabriel: we're playing Scrabble, it's a nightmare

Charlie: Scrabble? Scrabble's great

Gabriel: not when you're playing with Sam, it's not. He puts words like "ephemeral" and I put "dog"

Jack: Do you ever feel bugs on you when really there’s nothing there?

Dean: Those are the ghosts of the bugs you killed before.

Jack:

Jack: [sobs]

Sam: You fucking scared him, you idiot.

Lucifer: *is drowning*

Jack: I'd save him but who am I to play god?

Gabriel: YOU ARE LITERALLY THE GOD NOW!!!!

Eileen: *bursts in* WHO ATE MY MUFFINS, I WILL FUCKING-

Jack: It was me. I’m sorry, Eileen.

Eileen: Oh no, it’s okay! You know what, I’ll go get you some more, just you wait. *rushes out the door*

Dean, Sam, and Cas: *looking terrified for their lives*

Jack: *sips apple juice calmly* You guys owe me.

cas: what are the symptoms of teenage depression?

dean: why are you asking me?

cas: jack was helping with the laundry earlier and he dropped a sock and i heard him say "why has god forsaken me"

Jack: Can I have another cookie?

Dean: What did Cas say?

Jack: He said no

Dean: Then why should I say yes?

Jack: because he’s not the boss of you

Dean, internally: it’s a trap it’s a trap it’s a trap

Chuck: Jack, I’m your grandfa-

Bobby, already cocking a shotgun: Step away from my grandson

Jack: Cas I need you to come pick me up right now

Cas: Why

Jack: Dean is passive aggressively doing the dishes he asked me to do 8 hours ago

Jack: This house isn’t safe for me anymore

Chuck: I am in charge, so you have to do what I say

Castiel: Yeah, no

Chuck: I'm God

Castiel: And I'm an atheist

Chuck: How can you say I don't exist? I'm standing right here

Castiel: I didn't say you don't exist. I said I don't believe in you

Chuck: What?

Castiel: You'll never achieve your dreams

Adam: *at 3am* If bike is short for bicycle then mike is short for micycle

Michael: wait—

Gabriel: Shhh let him speak Micycle

things misha collins, agent of chaos, has as really done:

- repeatedly used justin bieber as a means of flirting with his co star

- renewed his wedding vows dressed in drag, holding a bouquet of organic vegetables

- paid jared padalecki over a thousand dollars in coins after losing a bet

- found out about destiel by reading fanfic

- got arrested for a suspected bank robbery (he was actually just using the light on the roof of a bank to read his book. y’know. as you do)

- “what are they going to do, fire me?”

- tricked larry king into thinking the spn cast have regular orgies on set

- “accidentally” tweeted a link to an in-depth, cockles analysis tumblr post

- produced farts that caused a fellow plane passenger to pass out twice and require medical assistance

- asked amazon if they ship destiel or wincest

one of many reasons castiel spent the first year of knowing dean trying not to strangle him: dean’s weird little winchester-only dialect

i’m fucking obsessed with this right now, so buckle in for a meta. a cool fun (horrible) thing about dean’s dialogue is that a good 90% of what comes out of his mouth is:

a pop culture reference (“you’re just gonna take some divine bong hit, and shazam, you’re roma downey?”)

references to real life phenomenon (“i don’t wanna wake up missing a kidney in a bathtub full of ice” “try new mexico, i hear he’s on a tortilla”)

these also often take the form of nicknames, and dean has a tendency to give people nicknames in general or call them something besides their given name, whether it’s affectionate or rude (“easy there, van damme” “so i’m girl interrupted” furthermore castiel = cas, ezekiel = zeke, etc, see also frequent use of “chucklehead” “asshat” and on the nicer/endearments end “buddy” “pal” “sunshine” etc)

an idiom (“a snowball’s chance” “if it smells like a duck…”)

slang (“drinking the koolaid” “jonesing for some hooch” not to mention the literal endless amount of words dean uses to refer to killing - gank, waste, juice, ice, etc)

a metaphor (“power up your batteries” “fly me back to my page on the calendar”)

a euphemism (“cloud seeding” “i’d have given you an hour alone with her first”)

sarcasm (his habit of replying “peachy” or “super” when asked how he is)

wordplay (see: the entire “vampirate” and “werepire” debacles)

completely nonsensical (guessing what happened to a magical artifact: “it was dug up by tomb raiders? it was seized by the king of the dead by warlords?”)

said at lightning speed - if you pay attention, dean actually talks a LOT, usually a mile a minute (this makes me feel a way when you recall him being nonverbal for a year at age 4 but that’s another post)

slang IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE (casual usage of “guano,” etc)

a lie, a deflection, a joke, etc

or worse, something dean’s NOT saying, deliberately, because he’s one of the most repressed people on earth

the end result of all this being:

dean winchester is utterly infuckingcomprehensible. 

think about this. there’s an ENTIRE SECTION on EVERY SINGLE EPISODE PAGE of the spn wiki devoted to JUST explaining dean’s pop culture references, because the average viewer won’t have seen everything he’s talking about either. they have a whole page for this called “hunter’s lingo,” but honestly, it’s not all hunters, just sam and dean’s fucking batshit communication style. even i don’t understand dean half the time. SAM gets it, sam speaks it back to dean a lot in the early seasons, but that’s because sam and dean are 1. practically two halves of the same person 2. FREAKS. every time we get an episode that involves outsider POV is devoted to them going “what the fuck is WRONG with them?”

enter castiel. technically speaking, the show implies that angels are omnilingual. castiel should understand every language known to man, but knowing the meaning of words doesn’t help him understand the following:

pop culture references

references to real life phenomenon

nicknames

idioms

slang

metaphors

euphemisms

sarcasm

wordplay

you get the idea.

listen to me. look me in the eyes. castiel cannot understand a single fucking word that comes out of dean’s mouth. my guy laid a hand on dean winchester in hell and immediately fell in love with him and has no fucking idea what he’s talking about ever. because not only is dean winchester’s way of speaking CLINICALLY insane, and sometimes incomprehensible even to other human beings who are not sam, castiel is an angel, and someone prone to taking things even more literally than other angels do

go back and watch and watch seasons 4-5 especially. the reason cas does so much squinting and head tilting is because every time dean opens his mouth castiel has to open up his mental “dean winchester dictionary” and translate entire paragraphs on the fly, because again, dean never shuts up!

what makes this extra hilarious to me is this gem:

this line is from 5.13. at this point cas has known dean for AN ENTIRE YEAR AND A HALF. what you see here is my guy SNAPPING. cas made an EFFORT in this scene. he asked who glenn close was. he’s telling dean that he can’t understand him. he is doing his level best to have a normal conversation with this guy he has a crush on and for the life of him he cannot do it (equal but opposite energy to cas blowing up the gas station and motel room in 4.01, tbh)

yes, cas can understand dean’s tone. he can use context clues, and he usually gets the general idea. and when cas DOES understand dean’s jokes, he laughs at them. the first time we ever see him smile is during their 4.07 heart-to-heart when dean says “it was a witch, not the tet offensive.” since cas has knowledge of human history, he knows what the tet offensive is; he got the joke, and he laughed.

but as far as actual dialogue goes, he consistently struggles to keep up. even after metatron gives castiel the pop culture knowledge in season 9, cas struggles to put it to put it to proper use (dean: “you wanna just walk right into the death star?” cas: “what does a fictional battle station have to do with this?”). whenever he asks dean to clarify it’s always when he’s most annoyed, like most of the time he knows it would be futile but he’s too annoyed to care. (dean: “i don’t know who’s on first, what’s on second!” cas: “what IS second???”) i’m pretty sure he spends seasons 4-6 wanting to shake dean by the shoulders and ask him why he is LIKE THIS. 

it takes cas - who, again, is omnilingual - YEARS to begin to acclimate to dean’s speech and start speaking that language back to him. it’s season 8 before we start really hearing him use slang, season 9 before he begins to understand wordplay, season 10 before he starts using pop culture references (to other angels, who immediately fail to understand him, which disappoints him immensely), and season 11 before he really gets into metaphors. i don’t remember what season he started using “yeah” instead of “yes” but i do know it took a really damn long time. 

and honestly, i don’t think cas truly got the hang of it until at least season 11-12. that’s something like 7 or 8 YEARS. it’s more than half the time they’ve known each other at the point of the series finale. 

so what’s true romance, fellas? it’s falling completely and totally in love with the most inexplicable person you will ever meet in your whole 4.5 billion year life, even though you have yet to understand a single thing he’s ever said to you. thank you for coming to my ted talk

[spn masterpost]

sam and dean being Known serial killers who have been on the fbi watchlist for a decade and have faked their deaths multiple times is actually very funny. I like to think literally everyone in town knows they're wanted by multiple US agencies but are like. they've evaded arrest so many times. do we really wanna anger the serial killers? no one in town has been killed let's not push it. and then the longer it goes on they begrudgingly start to like the winchesters because they tip well and are generally helpful around the community. plus their son is an absolute delight and everyone wants to figure out what's going on between dean and the weird trenchcoat guy who hangs around sometimes. like, they can't turn them into the cops before getting resolution on their relationship! the town has a betting pool! sam starts a community garden and dean jumps at the chance to help with odd jobs if he over hears people complaining about something when he's hanging out. they're politer than most of the normal locals.

you know how some towns are like 'oh yeah that's the house where the Witch lives'? everyone in lebanon is just like 'there's the nuclear fallout shelter where our local serial killers live ❤ they're pillars of this community ❤ snitch to the feds and the town will band together to eliminate you❤'

Cicero: SLEEP? ION KNOW ABOUT SLEEP ITS SUMMERTIME-

Astrid: YOU BETTER GO TO BED

Cicero: oh no she caught me

Cicero: you guys have heard of elf on a shelf right???

Cicero grabbing a pot: now be prepared for

Cicero chucking the pot at Astrid: POT ON A THOT!!

Brynjolf: Alright lass, as a member of the the thieves guild, you can’t kill anyone.

Dragonborn: *is leader of the Dark Brotherhood* Okay, got it.

Cicero: *loudly* LET’S KILL SOMEONE!!! :D

cicero: you’re… still alive. cicero respects the listener’s abilities of course, but could you at least slow down a bit? im not what i used to b-

the listener: cicero im trying to sneak through the dawnstar sanctuary so i can kill/spare you but im dummy thicc and the clap of my asscheeks keeps alerting the sanctuary guardians

cicero:

cicero: please kill me

Babette: Quick, we need to distract the Listener! Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making annoying noises!?

Cicero, giggling: My time has come.

Sithis definitely has a sense of humor, given the fact that it's implied he made cicero Like That on purpose.

Cicero oh so humbly asks the listener to make some headcanons about him~

Of course! Crackhead Crusty the clown, love the bastard. This is gonna be long. 

- Cicero is a very good whistler. On days where his voice grew hoarse and faint from speaking to the Night Mother for hours on end, he’d opt to whistle a sweet tune for her instead. It’s one of the few things he can do in the sanctuary that won’t get on everyone else’s nerves. Though, at times it can be a bit creepy. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night in a dark, underground cave, and the only thing you can hear is an eerie, solemn whistle from a direction you can’t even discern. The fact that he’s an actual assassin and a jester makes it worse. He definitely does it to toy with his victims and freak them out when he’s traveling with the Listener.

- When he was much younger and much less insane, he was a bit of a ladies man back in The Imperial city, where he grew up. He’s always had a knack for sugaring up his words, especially so by song and prose, even before taking up the jester persona. He was definitely very good at using it to his advantage in his youth. He could charm near any woman willing to make eye contact, whether by reciting a memorized poem, or singing a sweet song. His silver tongue got him out of sticky situations where he almost got caught on his jobs as well.

- Get’s very antsy after a while without being told what to do or given a task. He’s dedicated his entire life to serving the Night Mother and the Listener, and being without an objective for too long really bugs him out. He literally doesn’t know how to function properly without having someone order him around and have him do things for them, it’s kind of sad. 

- He has very vivid nightmares from time to time, where he’s back on his last contract when The Jester was killed. Only this time, he’s the Jester, and he’s under the raised knife of shadowy figure he can’t quite see. His chest aches from the action of manic laughter, but nothing escapes his open mouth. He’s wrapped in deafening, creeping silence as the shadowy assailant plunges their knife into his chest, again and again. He sees the night mother standing near him, peering silently, scrutinizing him with a disappointed and angry look. He knows she’s angry that he won’t laugh for her; instead, he’s dying in pathetic silence. No manner of grisly death or torture frightens this man, except the disappointment of his unholy matron. He’s almost shook back into sanity when he awakes, and many of the other members revel in the fact that Cicero is silent for once, unaware of the unfortunate reason why.

- His excessive attachment to the Night Mother stems from the unfortunate loss of his own mother when he was at a young age. On one summer night in the Imperial City, when the air was sticky and warm and the sun was melting out of the evening sky, his mother did not return from work. She was a strong-headed woman, hardened by a life of poverty and the struggle of surviving while raising a child alone. He scarcely remembers her now in his adulthood, but as a young boy he would trail her all around their small shed of a home, clinging to the ends of her tattered dress. She worked for meager pay as a seamstress, stationed daily in the back rooms of a clothing shop patching holes, sewing buttons onto robes, and trimming fabric. She never came come after the sun set, adamant on not leaving her son in the care of her elderly neighbors after dark. When the moon peaked through the dusk clouds, he was sent to bed by the elderly couple who watched him on his mother’s work days. When he awoke in the morning, and his mother still had not returned, his insisted on helping search for her. He was met with a firm “no, you should wait here while we go find your mommy” but he was not having it. He screamed and cries until they gave in and let him tag along. They had turned down an alley nearby at the sight of torn clothes discarded on the ground, and the old couple pushed him backwards and covered his eyes a moment too late, for he’d already caught a glimpse of his mother’s bloodied, lifeless body. He has no conscious memory of those moments, he has no memory of ever having a mother to begin with, and he has no memory of the folded paper left next to her body, with an inky black handprint smudged into the middle of it. 

- He spent a good portion of his childhood after that at a rundown orphanage. He was a loner among the other children and scarcely spoke a word. He spent his waking hours playing by himself in the corner, picking apart dead bugs and skeevers with pins and shards of glass he found strewn about. He’d giggle and chortle as the blood smeared onto his hands, painting on scraps of old parchment with it. Any couple looking to adopt would immediately turn their gaze away from him, and onto one of his peers. He went many years without being brought to a new home until one day, close to his eleventh birthday, a pair of men dressed in darkened robes with red embellishments made their way inside the orphanage. Much to his surprise, they approached him. He was sat on the floor, carving away at his wooden bedpost with a dagger he most certainly was not permitted to have. For a moment he feared they would tell on him and get him in trouble, but they did nothing of the sort. Instead they asked his name, and when he murmured out a very shy “Cicero”, they took him by the hand and led him outside and to his new home. He was educated from that day on about the ways of the Night Mother, and the importance of the Five Tenets. He was glad to see there were a few handful of other children near his age at the new home that the two men called “The Sanctuary.” As a young child, with repressed trauma from his mother’s murder, he ate that cult shit up and immediately swore unwavering fidelity to the Night Mother and Dread Father, and not for a moment in his life did it ever diminish. Not in the silence of his matron, and not in the presence of the false leader. 

- He really likes carrots because he finds it cool that they match his hair. Literally, that’s the only reason why. Ironically he also loves rabbits, despite hating most other animals. Probably smuggled a few pet rabbits into the sanctuary over the years growing up. Definitely pesters and prods the Listener/dragonborn to let him have one as well, now that they’re the leader and can demand the other members put up with it. Eventually he gets one and names it something stupid like Cornelius. 

The fact that Cicero was attacked by a werewolf and was still able to sneak past a pretty strong troll and put up a decent fight should you try to kill him haunts me.

he's too powerful. this is so true. how did he get so strong? is he purely fueled by spite? or does he simply refuse to die? he really looked at sithis and said sorry bro i know death is your whole thing but only the listener can put me in the ground :\

… Are you having fun there, Cicero

Skyrim/Witcher Crossover - Cicero Fuckeries

alright so i’m gonna make this its own post since I have a lot in mind for this specific lil scenario, and i don’t want to make a too big a text wall ajs;dlfkjasldk

just hear me out on this one, this would be a lot more entertaining than you might think

Cicero, Geralt and Jaskier first meet out on the road, out in front of the Loreius farm

Geralt was fully intent on ignoring Cicero’s call for help, but Jaskier is the one to be like “hey, why don’t we give this guy a hand?”

honestly the two prolly bicker a bit on what they should do but then Jaskier hits him with That Look and Geralt finally relents

Geralt helps up to the farm while Jaskier sticks around with Cicero, making small talk 

aint long for Geralt to come back down the hill with Loreius in tow - really not hard for him to change Loreius’s mind on the whole ordeal

Jaskier finds the little man very odd, but still fun to talk to 

Cicero also thinks he’s fun, but at the same time, i would not be surprised in the slightest if he’s lowkey plotting a murder - getting mother home stays his blade, of course, but if he has the free time? hmm… tempting, tempting indeed… 

Once Loreius is down there helping Cicero, Geralt starts to leave, but Cicero calls out to him, asks him to wait, before tossing a coin purse his way as a thank you

he accepts it without a word, and off Geralt and Jaskier go

Jaskier has no idea what’s up with Cicero, but Geralt knows there’s something definitely not right 

he wasn’t lying about his mother being in that box, as far as he could tell - his sharp sense of smell confirmed it - but there was just something… wrong. something dark. something evil

they don’t see each other again for a while, not until the Cure for Madness happens and Cicero is all alone in Dawnstar (assuming he’s been spared)

Geralt and Jaskier happen to be there, too, looking for work 

they’re in the tavern, with Jaskier playing tunes for coin and Geralt sitting alone at a table, watching him and takin swigs of his ale, and Cicero sees em and he’s just like !!!!!!

just scampers his tiny ass over to Geralt and plops down next to him with a big smile on his face 

“Well, well, well! Long time, no see, dearest Witcher! I was wondering if we’d ever cross paths again.”

“Cicero.” 

they chat up a storm - or more Cicero’s talking to him while Geralt listens and prolly says like… five words in one sentence at most

definitely asks about his mother, who Cicero simply says is enjoying her new home 

which confirms something on Geralt’s mind, but he keeps it to himself

Jaskier had seen the jester walk over to Geralt while he was performing, and once he’s done he goes over to say hello

ain’t long before it’s the three of them sittin there, chattin it up. Err, well, Cicero and Jaskier chatting it up while Geralt offers his most enlightening hmm’s

something something Cicero ends up more or less inviting himself along on the adventure since he, at that time between the Cure for Madness and the end of the DB questline, has nowhere else to be 

something something also tagging along so he can go through with his little Jaskier murder plot 

something something he does attempt to kill him a couple times but some thing or another foils it without him actually getting caught by the bard in question, or more importantly, Geralt 

mind you, Jaskier actually likes Cicero - as eccentric as the man is, he relates 

but then he hits him with the bard joke 

and poor Jaskier 

a lad is CONCERNED

HE’S TALKIN ABOUT SMASHIN LUTES AND BURNIN BARDS

starts sticking around Geralt a bit closer than usual

Cicero learns very, very quickly that you do not make murder jokes around Geralt 

he does not appreciate them 

he especially does not appreciate murder jokes about Jaskier 

Regardless of this, Cicero tries very hard to get Geralt to laugh when the three of them are out on the road 

he’s never seen him do anything more than smirk and “hmmph” in a way that he’s pretty sure was a laugh but isn’t positive on

he’s done countless jokes, no matter how well structured or not, desperate to get a chuckle, a smile, anything 

Usually doesn’t work, but Jaskier gets a kick out of most of em 

there’s some point in time where Cicero gives up on trying to kill Jaskier, for a couple of different reasons. 

One, Geralt Will Find Him. Cicero may have outrun Arnbjorn but he will not stand a chance against a Witcher. He knows this. 

Two, he’s found enough bloodshed travelling with these two to keep him contented 

Three - honestly? Jaskier is friend-shaped. He can never know about who or what Cicero actually is since saying anything about him would technically break one of the Tenets, but he’s helped Cicero out in ways he may never know

at some point, the trio are at a jarl’s palace, attending some celebration (prolly the “slaying” or Alduin or something to do with the Civil War, regardless if we’re taking Dragonborn!Geralt into account)

Jaskier gets harassed by someone, who claims he slept with their spouse the last time they were there 

Geralt steps in, tells em to fuck off, right

But Cicero’s watching from afar as the person leaves, and he walks over after they go with a grin on his face 

“Tsk tsk tsk tsk! Naughty, naughty, Jaskier! You ought to know better than to sleep with a noble’s lover! You’ve gotten yourself in a situation now, haven’t you?” 

Jaskier apologizes (kinda sarcastically, kinda awkwardly, not really sure where Cicero’s going with this)

and then the little fucker just hits him with

“Well… Geralt may scare them off for now, but… oh, what are you going to do if you’re alone, hmm?” 

his grin widens and he leans closer 

“Cicero could make sure they don’t come back. If you would like.” 

and Jaskier is just like “wat” for a solid couple of seconds before he realizes he’s talking MURDER

Jaskier appreciates and utilizes Cicero’s murderiness and you caN’T TELL ME OTHERWISE

HE IS A FERAL FUCKING BABY NOT AFRAID TO SEND THE LITTLE GREMLIN JESTER MAN OUT TO STAB A BITCH FOR HIM

AND CICERO THRIVES OFF JASKIER’S FERAL BABINESS BECAUSE IT’S A SIDE OF HIM HE NEVER SAW UNTIL NOW

and poor Geralt 

Geralt is very tired 

not only does he have to make sure Jaskier doesn’t get killed, he has to make sure Cicero doesn’t go out killing people himself 

the trio is often mockingly called the travelling circus by those living in the towns and cities they pass through 

Geralt knows Cicero’s Dark Brotherhood and caught on pretty early, but he actually doesn’t do anything, per se 

he keeps him in line as best he can when they’re travelling together - more or less makes sure he’s not killing people he shouldn’t be 

but he knows Cicero’s off to his own devices when he leaves to go do whatever it is he does before travelling again 

And, while he would NEVER openly admit it, he is aware the Dark Brotherhood is something of a necessary evil in Tamriel. From what he understands, they kill people, yes, but the ones they’re called upon to kill aren’t innocent people by any sense of the word. They’re slavers, they’re abusers, they’re corrupt politicians - the scum of the earth. Geralt (likely with a little bit of convincing from Jaskier if/when he finds out about Cicero’s true identity), tries his best to keep Cicero in line outside of the contracts he was once called upon to fulfill

I’m gonna leave it here for now and do separate interaction headcanon posts between Cicero and Geralt and Jaskier individually because this is a fucking huge text block but really tho 

i just fucking love the idea of the gremlin jester travelling with the gremlin bard and gremlin monster hunter. there is a chaos there that i’m thriving on

Astrid: but remember, I’m the leader of this sanctua-

Cicero sneezes: 🤧 *snoff*

Cicero: Oh, goodness! I’m sorry, I’m just allergic to

Bullshit

ok so you know how there’s 3 different versions of cicero used throughout the db questline? well the follower version of him that shows up near the end of the questline if you spared him is actually taller than his other two versions. so he somehow grows about a foot taller between when you spare him in dawnstar and when he becomes available as a follower, thus further proving he is in fact not human and is instead some weird little creature with godlike powers

*Dismissing Cicero*

Cicero, somewhat upset: Oh, of course! Mother needs me after all…

Listener: That’s not why I’m dismissing you, I’m dismissing you so you can get some fuckin sleep you self deprecating little shit

A missing mystery in Skyrim closed