A Well Playing Job, Countless New Friends, *and* I Can Legally Threaten Bitchy Customers With An Iron

Pokémon Go!

I love jaywalking with strangers. They can’t kill all of us!!!

The younger generations aren’t here to mess around

I have a friendship that is literally just this

Just her keeping me updated on all the shit happening in her life

I hate so many people I’ve never met, like, if we were walking and she was like, “yeah that’s Jared over there” I’d strait up punch a bitch and he’d have no idea why

#memes #funny 

You know what? Screw future cultural relevance. I want more songs that are immediately dated by name dropping technology. Give me early 2000s songs talking about calling people on your Motorola RAZR flip phone, allude to how much people are going to love your song by saying the CD will be so worn it’ll start skipping, tell me to turn the volume up on my Walkman, give me cultural flashbacks damn it!

Prosecution: Your honor, the defendant has been scamming people into buying fake “immortality elixirs” for years!

Defense: Objection! Your honor, the defense requests the prosecution specify exactly how many years?

Prosecution: Gladly, your honor. As you can see from the arrest records submitted into evidence, the defendant has had the audacity to continue committing this felony for 148 years!

Judge: I’m sorry, did I hear that correctly? The defendant has been selling immortality elixirs for 148 years?!

Prosecution: Yes, your honor, the earliest documented arrest was in 1886.

Judge: It’s 2014.

Prosecution: Yes, your honor.

Judge: And you don’t see anything weird about that? Anything at all?

Defense: In light of this stupidity, the defense demands the immediate release of my client followed by a drop of all charges and would like to file a lawsuit against the arresting officer for slander.

Judge: Yes. Right. Bailiff, please release the defendant. Oh, and bring me any of the elixirs taken into evidence.

The puns! I live for the puns like this!

Anyone else feels like they overshare everything with others and at the very same time haven’t opened up at all to anyone

demon: youre a bitch

me: *starts closing the summoning circle*

demon: wait i gotta tell you some important ancient knowledge

me: *keeps it open*

demon: bitch