I Want To Be Reincarnated As A Goose To Bite Small Children

hello everyone, god has tried to kill me once again, but as everyone knows dumbasses can’t die

“i am going to commit arson, once i escape from these mortal chains, eeeeeeeeeee!” - Elmo

mentally, i am here

you ever just feel like a scent, ‘cause i’m feeling pretty warm vanilla

accidentally drank sour milk today, honestly probably what i get for drinking straight from the carton, unfortunately this will not stop me from doing it again

actual conversation i had with my mom

mom: do you need any help wrapping your present?

me: yes every time i try to wrap a present-

mom: an angel gets its wings? :)

me: no, another person goes to hell

mom: >:O 

so im on death row-

i just got arrested for being too ugly

i’ve decided that instead of being a functional member of society, i will become mothmans’ wife and live in the forest

M A N I F E S T

it’s 2022. donald trump has died in disgrace days after being impeached and jailed. my chemical romance’s new album is coming out the same day as the new spiderverse movie. the lizzo and janelle monaé collab song is blowing up the radio. lil nas x has a verse in it. you and your partner have time and energy for dates after work after jeff bezos’ assets have been seized and distributed to the public in the wake of his arrest for keeping employees in unsafe working conditions.

reblogging to make this later

hey. don’t cry. crush three cloves of garlic into a pot with a dollop of olive oil and stir until golden then add one can of crushed tomatoes a bit of balsamic vinegar half a tablespoon of brown sugar half a cup of grated parmesan cheese and stir for a few minutes adding a handful of fresh spinach until wilted and mix in pasta of your choice ok?

when people piss me off i like to think to myself ‘you have no bitches, you have no life, you’re existence is full endless of strife. you’re also just a dick.’