She Didn't Give Me Even A Chance To Ask Sumn. Said Right Away It Isn't Gonna Change. 5 Euros An Hour

Ffs obviously my mother enters the room next to me just a little while before I planned to start cutting. I can't risk her walking in to me cutting myself. She asked me how I was and I told her so and so. And she told me that she misses the girl who would enjoy being sometimes and asked how she could change my current situation. I do put in effort to not show how bad I feel to my parents, I suppress my tears, screams and breakdowns, but I guess that's not enough. I have to start smiling, being happy and joyful. I don't know if I can.

Also now I'll have to cut myself in the school bathroom tomorrow which is like 2 times harder than at home, I wish I was good at cutting myself, but I can't do anything right.

My graduation is in a few days and I look so fucking fat in the dress. I want to stab myself in the stomach thru that ugly piece of trash. I also looked deeply miserable and sickly whilst trying it on today, which would at least look pretty if i was skinny, but since im not, it just looks disgusting. Now I'll have to work 3 days whilst starving. Whilst there's also 6 different stress sources chewing on me.

I've been im a complete bubble whole summer. Haven't gone into town at all, just work and rotting. Which has been fun. And during it all it never even occurred to me that Damn I haven't socialized at all, let alone did I miss it.

But yesterday I met up with a good friend of mine, we just spoke for 3 hours. And when i acc got a taste of it, I lowkey missed socializing, like wanted to do it more. Really hoping that passes. But I'm also scared what will happen when I go into uni, since I'm gonna be around people all the time which means I'll want to socialize, but I won't have anyone to acc do it with lol

I want my mom to hold me and then tuck me to bed. Put me to sleep so sweet and deep, I'll never wake.

every night

I sat behind her in class and I saw a kpop stage vid on her recommended page 😳

What the fuck is wrong with my brain. I met the ppl in my uni course yesterday, one girl caught my eye, we spoke once.....and now my brain is cutting to lowkey romantic fantasies about her.

I've been starting to actually feel bored. My brain can't really even maladaptive daydream anymore, so my brain is just empty, nothing to look forward to, literally nothing. Except my death in like 80 years (I hope my parents live long), just waiting to wait and hurt more.

I crave his warmth so bad. He looks like he would be so warm to the touch. Being in his presence sends my heart into overdrive, being able to be in his arms would simply make my mind melt. That's all I could ask for. No thoughts other than his warmth and touch.

The fact that I acc have to resist the thought about skipping school just go and buy food is wild, cause the school in question is a short, nice and actually useful.