Ffs Obviously My Mother Enters The Room Next To Me Just A Little While Before I Planned To Start Cutting.

My mom said, "Does anybody else in the world know it's your birthday?". And like yeah she didn't mean to upset me when she said that, it was rather a half sympathetic thinking out loud. But go damn that hit hard

3rd day back at school/the dorm and I already binged

Me and my mother went to see the fnaf movie. She is overall very much against horror, but she agreed to go with me for some reason. After I started to rant about my opinion, details and lore about the movie. And then suddenly she told me to stop and got really angry with me. She spit some things at me and told me she felt like she was gonna throw up. I know she just doesn't like horror, but it started something in me.

I rarely talk about things enthusiastically like that because I don't think anything that has to do with me or my interests is something that is worth for other to hear, especially for more than a sentence. It's so silly and stupid, I'm being too sensitive, but her being so angry at me sharing a piece of my real self really hurts.

Just majorly reminded myself how much I hate myself. How everything about me sucks. The way I look, the way I act, the way I think, things I enjoy or don't, my interests, my opinions, the way I view life etc etc. There is just nothing good amount me. And that's so jarring. How can a person be just so worthless, so ridiculously stupid. I wish there was just one thing good thing about me. Even something almost good will be appreciated. I'm so pathetic in a way I pity myself, it's not a empathetic pity, rather a disgusted one lol.

Crying because of hunger <<<<

I'm so sleepy, I feel like I'm sick. Moving my body is hard. But I still have to cut myself for eating before I go to sleep.

Tomorrow I'll have to go to the staff manager at my summer job and look over my contract. I should ask for more pay than last summer but idk how ughhh.

And then day after that I'll actually have ti go to work. In theory it's not that bad, but just the idea of it fills me with unlimited tread.

I took a nap during the day and now I can't sleep. I'm so bored and just want to sleep, but I Literally can not fall asleep.

Would be fascinating to know how giving up almost every day has affected my brain chemistry

Binge eating has and is destroying my life. It has been so many years I can't even remember when I had a normal idea of food.

I genuinely don't know how to stop. I have stopped doing low cal restriction, I have raised my calories a lot, but I still binge at the end of the day.

I can't live on like this, I just want to escape this body and mind.

Just did my first cut of uni. Now I'm gonna play farm frenzy whilst trying to not burst back into tears. Hopefully I'll be stable enough to call my dad back after a few games.