Okay, Hear Me Out.

ED, weight and food talk below the cut. Proceed with caution.

So in the past couple of months I’ve started being very particular with my food. Like I could only make myself eat my safe foods unless I was really forcing myself. And then slowly it turned into only being able to eat my safe foods at all. And then two weeks ago it developed into not even being able to eat my safe foods.

In the past three months I’ve lost 25 pounds unintentionally. In the past ten days I’ve eaten a total of four meals. And it’s not like I don’t want to eat, it’s not like I’m having a ED relapse and I’m keeping myself from eating because I don’t want to gain weight it’s just that every time I get something ready, heat it up and put it in front of me, I cannot get myself to actually eat it.

It’s to the point when I’m freezing, shivering, in my bedroom, the same place I used to always think was way too hot. (And don’t blame the season, I’m in Florida and the highs are still in the 80s every day). I’ve started fitting into my mom’s clothes. My mom who is underweight for her height and three inches shorter than me. My own clothes don’t fit anymore. And even seeing all of this, wanting to eat, I just CANT.

I don’t know why.

And I don’t know what to do about it.

I’ve tried eating distracted, giving myself something to give my focus to, all that does is give me an excuse to not look at the food at all and not touch it. I’ve tried eating things I’m in the mood for and that worked until about three-four weeks ago when I was no longer in the mood for anything.

Not eating combined with ten hour work shifts I’m actually scared I’m going to pass out while working. Cause it’s all manual labor and walking around. Todays the first day of my four day work week, with any luck today won’t be terrible but the 500 calories I had yesterday and the 5 hours of sleep that I’m running on are not promising numbers.

Ok, I’m done ranting for now. Hope you guys have a good day.

I hate this. Like, I just split a few days ago and I feel so trapped. I am all of the sudden in the body of a barley adult girl living with her parents? I can’t do shit!

I can’t get out my sexual frustration cause the host’s boyfriend wouldn’t like it, the body is too young to buy alcohol or cigarettes. It is so hard to be self destructive and I really don’t appreciate it.

-Angelo

Well apparently they aren’t primary care like it said on their website. Apparently they’re just like a virtual urgent care and can’t write me a referral for a tilt table test. This is so frustrating. I’m literally in tears.

Ha ha, doctor’s appointment in the morning to see if I have a chronic disease. Let’s see how this goes.

-Apollo

Is no one going to mention that the guys shirt says ‘LETS EAT KIDS!’

Touches you with my traumagenic median fingers

I’m gonna be honest I have no idea when this showed up in my asks I continually forget to check that thing.

Anyways

Boops you back

As previously stated, I have no quarrels with those who believe something different than me as long as they aren’t hurting anyone. A lot of the endogenic community is great at hurting people so as a default I ask them to steer clear of my page to keep my followers feeling safe. But if you can chill, believe whatever the hell you want. That has nothing to do with me.

Ha ha. I’m out now because the host had a mental breakdown and now I’m super dysphoric cause I’m a male alter. Fml.

-Tyler

So these tags were on my post about amnesia. And I want to address it. Short answer, no you do not. You need blackout amnesia (assuming that’s what you meant by full amnesia) in order to have DID.

DID is not the only way to have a system, OSDD 1-b has very little or no amnesia and still has alters, so does p-DID.

Though I do want to differentiate between the different types of amnesia.

Emotional amnesia: where you don’t remember any emotions that you were feeling during the event.

Greyouts: when you remember what happened but have no memories of it, as if someone told you about the event but you weren’t there.

Blackouts: when you don’t remember anything about what happened, and you often don’t remember that you missed something.

I’d also like to mention that amnesia often doesn’t happen in the moment, often the memory will fade over a short period of time until they’re gone. At least that’s what I experience.

Anyways, here you are @sprites-your-cal

Hope this helped

-Apollo

This is very true, though I would like to add that you don’t have to have DID for your symptoms to be valid. You can still feel things and have symptoms even if they don’t fit the diagnostic criteria. Does that mean you have DID? No. But you are still entitled to your emotions and feelings, especially if those feelings are a result of trauma.

Does anyone realize that the "everyone is valid" thing has actual diagnostic implications?

Yes, every case of DID will have differences from another. But all DID cases must meet diagnostic criteria in order to actually be DID. You can't say "everyone is valid" and "DID can look like anything" because really, it can't. At the end of the day, there are still diagnostic criteria that must be met. If anything goes and anything is valid and anything can be DID, then DID is nothing and we might as well not even classify it as a disorder at all.

Same thing as people who say that "everyone has a little bit of DID" or "everyone has parts". Yes, you act differently at work than you do at home. This does not mean that you have dissociated parts of a fragmented self, and if it did, then DID would be a redundant diagnosis and there would be no need to have it in the ICD or DSM if "everyone" had it.

I'm watching Good Omens and they happened to make a GREAT analogy for amnesia. Or at least how I often experience it. I've adjusted it to better explain, but this is the outline.

I've moved into empty house that someone used to live in. I don't know who lived here before or what they did, but I can see the evidence that something did. The paint is discolored where the furniture used to be against the walls, there's outlines in the dust where things sat on the shelf, scratches on the floor and doors from over the years.

I don't know what happened, but I can piece together some things by the evidence left behind. My unexplainable triggers and reactions to things give me hints as to what my trauma may be.

I don't know what happened. I'm just looking at where the furniture used to be.

Yep. This. Literally this.

There are SO many things that I didn't realize I actually experienced because the descriptions of those symptoms sound like they're saying something else.

About 85-95% percent of our memories are in third person but I totally thought most people had that to a good extent until I talked to several people who not only thought it was super weird, but also didn't even know what I was saying because the very idea of it is so foreign.

This is why discussions of dissociation in CDD spaces REALLY should be only for 'traumagenic' systems. Whether you believe you can be a system without trauma, if you don't believe you have the trauma or the disorder caused by it, you shouldn't be in spaces for those trying to figure out how to manage disorder.

Also the mental health medical system sucks ass. We need more professionals who can actually bridge the gap between text book definitions and what it actually fucking looks like. We went to an evaluation and downplayed our symptoms so fucking much because we didn't think they fit the written descriptions (and growing up being gaslit into believing we're overreacting about everything). We got a very noncommittal place holder diagnosis from that appointment, that we waited six months and drove 2 hours for, probably because we told the doctor we didn't have amnesia because we had no fucking idea what emotional or grey out amnesia was, AND we didn't know that you can have black outs and not realize anything. is missing. We figured the lack of 'waking up' and not remembering how we got where we were, meant that we had zero amnesia. But holy shit is that wrong.

Anyways. All that to say, OP, you are not the only one who experiences this.

-Apollo (maybe?)

Sometimes I genuinely hate that I have a disorder where I take things literally.

Especially when that's intersectioned by CDD spaces where a lot of the descriptions of dissociation are hard to relate to, despite having several periods of time where strong dissociation is the only explanation.

And it's not even necessarily because I can't relate to them, it's just that my brain gets caught on the literal wording of that experience and immediately thinks that I can't experience that because I don't feel that specific way.

Does anyone else reading this feel the same?

Because I hear descriptions like feeling like you're outside of your body or over the shoulder, and I never feel like I experience that in real time. It only happens with memories, where a ton of those are in third person.

There are periods of time where I want a certain drink, but my brain fights to find the right word because several different parts of me want a different drink, even though I know that I want the specific drink that my brain suddenly can't recall the word for.

Honestly, I feel like 90% of my dissociation happens without me being able to cognitively recognize when it's actively happening, and I only realize after looking back that I remember maybe the bare fucking minimum.

And I dunno, maybe I've just been dissociated for so much of my life that it's so normal to me that I don't even know it's dissociation. It's really hard to parse what is and isn't normal when you 1) are neurodivergent and 2) see your normal as normal.

If any of you out there have any other descriptions of what dissociation can look like I would love to hear them, because that's the only way my brain will get over the mental block / confused phase of trying to understand.