Spilled Poetry - Blog Posts

False Guilt

It’s easier to think,

That you are a monster born broken,

Rather than a human made flawed.

A constellation of scars (with a soldiers story to tell)

A constellation of scars, they tell the story Of a young soldier, beaten and battle weary The taunts, the jeers of those who seek validation The whispers, the rumours of those who see a threat

A collection of memories, they tell the story Of a bright young child, ready to find glory Studying hard for years to come To see their families proud faces When they hit number one

A tale of joy, fleeting yet forever Their mother, their sister, their brother, their father The times spent together with friends Now only a fantasy

The reality of life, an empty black hole The void in their chest where a heart once called home That absence of feeling that clings to their skin The guilt running through their veins that they cloak themselves in

The temptation of pain, just an itch at first Grows to be unbearable in the times it is worst The scabs on their skin that refuse to heal As they are peeled back again and again For that brief chance to feel

The tunnel of darkness continued to grow Would it ever end? They really didn’t know A call from the shadows in the form of a blade Said it brought peace and a moment of escape

The darkness swarmed in on them, promised to keep them safe In the midst of their pain, they didn’t realise it was a cage As the cuts grew in number on their arms, legs, chest and heart They still felt nothing when skin and blade were apart

As the darkness continued to swallow them whole Their loved ones were worried “Where did they go?” And so the acting began, strings of denies “I’m just tired.” They would say, weaving a web full of lies

The fragile strands tightened and coiled Constricting even them into being embroiled. “Maybe I really am just tired, or overreacting,” “Maybe it’s just for attention, to try and feel what I’m lacking.”

The coils wound tight, choking them slowly And though they didn’t realise it, they were succumbing And so the thoughts of death started creeping onto their head “I feel nothing even when cutting, I’m better off dead.”

An attempt was carried out, though they can barely remember a thing Except waking up in hospital, alive and breathing Their mother had found them, draped over the bathroom sink Wrists slit, bleeding out An ambulance was called There was still no feeling

A year had passed and there was still no sign of the end The web of lies had been broken, but the void in their chest remained Even while being smothered with affection There was still no feeling

The world kept rushing past, they stopped trying to keep up months ago But one day it seemed to halt For just a second There was feeling once more

They had been out with their friends Who hadn’t given up just yet On making them feel again Yet another attempt that was set to fail But it didn’t

It was a simple thing really A joke, a smile and then a tidal wave of laughter Seeing the joy that they thought was lost It caused something to stir

An echo of happiness, plucked from a heartstring It resonated through their body And the void seemed to shrink ever so slightly There was life in them yet

Five years passed and they were still no better That echo being the only thing keeping them tethered to this life Why am I not better yet? I should be happy, I should be healed

They began to notice the world The whispers, the rumours Began to notice How the scars littered their skin

Their body, an art piece For those who merely skimmed the surface, it was dangerous and all consuming So they avoided it Criticising the artist to deny their looming feelings of dread To ignore how deep the scars ran

But to those who saw through the critics’ remarks Those who looked deeper Who broke down the walls Who braved the aggression, the masks and the cruelty And saw what lay behind it all A damaged soul, trying to fix themselves with cut hands

The soul of a broken child who grew up too fast A child with a fragile glass heart Shattered to pieces by the harshness of life The expectations, the judgement, the reality It was shattered to protect the holder from the worst But they were still left with their constellation of scars

Those who saw the true meanings were sometimes driven to madness The weight of it too much for their aching shoulders Too weak to carry yet another burden But there were those who could. Those who saw and still stayed Those who showed them, the echo of a life Pulsing through them still

That constellation of scars, that collection of memories, they tell the story Of a brave young warrior, battling enemies even some of the most experienced had never encountered. How exhausted they were, how sick of fighting Who gave up trying to fight back those monsters Who had lost all faith

But who had life in them A pulse that refused to let go Clinging to them even as the darkness led them, Deeper and deeper into despair Echoing constantly, begging for them to hear A pulse that people helped them find

That brought them from their knees That told the young soldier, “Don’t loose hope yet, I’m still beating.” The young soldier hadn’t given up yet They would be victorious

Their constellation of scars, told of memories Good and bad, joyous and despairing The memories of their life past And would tell of the life to come

As the new scars were added, the jeers stayed the same, Unwavering in their goal to hurt

But still, they lived Though their scars never fully healed, their pain never fully erased The void never fully gone

There were good days Where their scars seemed non existent And there were bad days Which broke them all over again

But what was important Was that even if the light disappeared from the tunnel, Even if the dark seemed inescapable, They would always have the pulse in their chest Cheering them on, keeping them going Awaiting the victory only they can achieve. Steadily beating.

THE OTHER SIDE

theirs this wall made of iron and steal blocking me of the far near I'm no brave man to climb all for I fear the fall Lost, I always seem to walk around its edges What is behind, I ask myself too many times maybe a gleamy forest withholding lilly fields but in my mind it's dark full of starving wolves that lurk curiosity is a sin, I need a redeemer some say it is liberating to be a dreamer but is the freedom worth the injury?

TRUTH UNTOLD - by Joud Aburashed

I have so much to say But the world might decay Fear hurts not as much as regret  So I sharpen my sword ready to strike For my words are a weapon filled with might I look into the eyes of those souls Who were taught to keep their words behold Reassurance floods as for me I'm bold This is a new chance For righteousness to breed and enhance  Something weighs on my shoulder  It burns like ice yet even colder  So I release Finally feeling relief  This wasn't a war  This was for peace  For what is most valuable to me My morals that run glee So speak up for what you believe  You might feel relief 

Power No More

Insecurities come crashing down

As I bang on the drums to drown out the sound.

You think you can hide it oh so well

The looks you give me

When light is no longer there

and there is darkness in my eyes.

You fail to see

I’m not like the others before me

I won't run to you

I won't give in to the call.

I will do this right

I won’t cower under your gaze no more.

I will be different than how I once was

You will lose the power you once held from your finger tips

As I finally decide I’ve had enough

A list of all my short works in one place.

Links to some of my reflective posts! I'll be updating this whenever I post a new one.

The Letter

One Last Time

The Extension

When I First

The one I love the most

Broken vase

The Bus stop

Her

The Puzzle

Sitting here at this table, I watched her work behind the counter. Her eyes travelled around the room but never in the direction I was sitting in. I knew what she was thinking without having to ask because the same thought filled my mind.

I sat next to her in this seat, my laptop open. Her legs were intertwined with mine —a desperate attempt for us to keep warm in the cold weather. She was reading a poem I had written for her as I watched her eyes trail the laptop screen. A smile had kept growing on her face till she reached the last line and it stayed long after she'd finished.

Her face was blank, emotionless —but her eyes held the kind of sorrow and longing which had become a part of my everyday routine.

I shouldn't have come here but I wished to talk to her one last time, and always one last time.

love freely - E.C. - oct. 2020

Urban Concrete

Picnic in a Dystopia

. . .

Step into the light

And onto my eyes.

Admire these cloudy, ugly skies.

AJ says we're gonna have a picnic

"It'll be good for your lungs since you've last

been sick."

Step into the light

Step into my smile.

Cars and people

The only advertisements for a mile.

I've been so tired from all of this work lately,

But we're gonna have chicken

And talk about having a baby.

Step into my heart

Step into the light

We just passed the 'Museum of Really Old Art'

And this time we didn't fight.

My phone says we're close now

Only 15 minutes away

Its gonna be so nice

Enjoying this ugly, yellow day.

Step into the light

Step onto my eyes

And I wonder

"Back then, fish never flew in the skies...

Right?"

Urban Concrete

Quick Dry Cement; No Sugar

Quick dry cement

Takes less than an hour

To harden enough

For you to walk over it.

My heart,

It's not cement

It'll never harden

Always soft.

Sugar is,

Death

Sweet and beautiful.

But I will live on.

(sweet and beautiful)

Death,

Suger is

Always soft

It'll never harden.

It's not cement,

My heart

For you to walk over it,

To harden just enough,

Takes less than an hour,

Quick dry cement.

No sugar (please).

i would waste every wish in my life on you if i knew they would come true.

Heres a silly little poem!

You love them, You want them, but you could never reach them.

Will you still love them after their face is no longer obscured?

Will you still want them after the filter that once sheltered the laughable features is absent?

Honesty is always present, favorable or not.

It is always there, waiting for the moment to obstruct them.

december 7, 2024 — childhood dwellings

the leaves have turned brown

the world has quieted down

icy winds seep through our fingers

biting cold that sleeps and lingers

that weightless checkered blanket

wilted flowers basking in the sunset

that empty swing swaying

childish laughter keeps ringing

we cried and laughed

through times dark or daft

all good things come and go

naive promises of "i love you so"

as we carved our names in the rough bark

and vowed to protect eachother's heart

your arms became a home

and i became your own

even as time is not as forgiving

as when we were kids and simply living

the sea will guide us to our fated shores

tides sweeping sands of long-past wars

as the stars witness our beginning and end

the best in the world, my only friend

those handheld cracks in the tree

will always know it was you and me

- reddestofscarves, 1:28pm

november 7, 2024 — love of mine

you know i'd love to stay the same

you know there's nothing left to say

neither of us stand at fault

yet this is the price we pay

maybe in another life

we wouldn't have this strife

free from the guilt

and yearnings fullfilled

you deserve someone who'll stay

through the good and the bad

and i'm sorry it couldn't be me

despite what we had

but i deserve someone too

to make the long run with me

not run me through

happy to love all i'm yet to be

no, you don't need me

if you did, i would not have scars

no, you aren't sorry

if you were, i wouldn't have to count

i think it's time to face our truth

heal and forgive what remains of our youth

yes, i loved you

but no love of mine will heal you

— reddestofscarves, 7:31pm

Hello, I hope you are well🌹

I am Hazem Mahmoud Hamada, 44 years old, a Palestinian man, from Gaza. I am seeking to save my family of 6 members from the hell of war by moving to a safe place until the ugly war ends.Our suffering began on October 14, 2023, when my family was forcibly displaced from north to south in a life- threatening situation. As a result, our homes were completely destroyed and demolished, and thus our business went to waste. There was nothing left as a source of livelihood. There are no shelters to shelter us or a source of livelihood to live on.

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july 12, 2024—10 years and forever

you're making dinner, i'm sat on the counter

with my quiet music playing on the speaker

wet hair sticking to my neck and i'm talking about my day

you wait for me to finish and i'll wait for you to say

little quips and jokes with a quiet smile

i stare while you laugh for a little while

the hot pot steams and i get the plates

you plate the food and i sit and wait

sprinkling soda fizz and dim-lit rooms

our stained couch with bass-powered booms

really shitty movie, the bright tv display

i laugh as you squint your eyes in dismay

you fall asleep and i wash the dishes

ten years ago, dreams were only wishes

ten years from now, we'll earn riches

right now, we heal from our stitches

the house is small and the table is too

my heart feels home, right here with you

i'll tell you a secret, just between us two

for the rest of my life, i'll keep loving you

— reddestofscarves, 2:30am

april 20, 2024 — secret garden language

im in the hospital in a waiting room

my thighs are sweating, the air hot and stuffy

its too early in the morning to feel like noon

thoughts of you are the only thing keeping me steady

my music flows smokey, the album's nice

messy poetry, paradox hearts & minds

weeds on my back, sick of putting you first

its ok to love him more, my heart's seen worse

i hope the 6 year old garden was fun

the fruits of your seed and spring has begun

so for the first time in forever

abatinas and cyclamens bloom in my weather

and when winter comes, what will you do?

will another bloodthirsty creature welcome you too?

will you drain them of life and trick them like a fool?

goodluck on the run, my laugh's one haunting ghoul

— reddestofscarves, 11:00 pm.

april 6, 2024 — situationship

are we still friends?

were we more?

when all that's begun has come an end

will everything be back to the way it was before?

and my soul hates everything about you

doesn't mean my heart can't miss you

so when you're gone and i'm through

i'll pretend to move on too

oh, brought to a stop and then what?

i'm faced with a paradoxical thought

childhood memories are soulful wealth

how do i tune silence out with itself?

but i knew it then, it was our last day

see it in your eyes, "sorry it had to end today"

i shake my head, smile wide and say

"it's okay, no hard feelings anyway"

despite everything back then

when i pick up my paper and pen

my mind drifts to you, sweetest bullet bitten

and i'll write the messages i can't send

— reddestofscarves, 1:20pm

april 1, 2024 — luna

oh, luna, tell me so

do you love me enough to let me go?

if you're the moon and i'm the sun

don't you think i'm better off alone?

oh, luna, i'm not the only star you'll find

rigil's brighter and toliman's one of a kind

being good is different from perfect

don't settle, consider every aspect

when i said you were the best thing to happen to me

i actually meant that only you ever stole my need to be free

oh, luna, i hope you'll understand

that going with you is to forget me

but being me won't stop my heart

from knowing we were written in the stars

and how i loved you from the start

always and forever, from here and afar

— reddestofscarves, 4:05 pm

march 29, 2024 — not enough

the shower i took tonight was cold

thought of the words you said the other day

the way you said it still makes me fold

you felt what i did, had no more to say

i don't like thinking about it much

easily makes me cry and such

i know the years are good enough

but you know you can't blame me for not acting tough

and i'd like to teach this one day

making the most of something means

you'll never get enough of it

so bittersweet feeling this way

you're always gonna miss every little bit

and i hope that in another reality

we'd never have to live through calamity

palms could breathe without fatality

and you'd smile without the distance i see

— reddestofscarves, 11:46pm

febuary 17, 2024 — just for tonight

my curtains are closed

writing down poems i could compose

the music is slow, we're going with the flow

and i can't help but ask "what are you thinking?"

"nothing," you say, but i know things aren't easy that way

but i'll let it be, i can wait, it's okay

we don't have to talk about it

as long as you stay, we can forget about it

sometimes i still get sick

anxiety's a blood sucking tick

i say something stupid and you say life's a dick

and for a month, we'll do anything but stick

so tired of trying to be

trying to get make it in life just to be free

feeling and fearing things we can't see

why can't we be just you and me?

but until then, i'll let the silence envelop

the noise outside makes your ears swell up

so we'll make a place to dry your tears

and even just for tonight, you can let go of your fears

— reddestofscarves, 8:10 pm

december 15, 2024 — she-doom

TW: implications of self deletion and dubcon/$@ near the end

she's a gift from god, she's gifted with a future

she loves science and doesn't understand how to feel heard

she'll love without reason and betray her own slaughter

and she'll always hate being compared to her own father

but time will always tell, it's a curse of mankind

to make the same mistakes and watch it rewind

but she's a woman so maybe life will spare mercy

she doesn't yet know adam is His favorite progeny

and if you ever forget why you had her

she'll cry herself to sleep at night and harbor the same laughter

cause she's the one who bears your burdens and seeks your contentment

and she's born of your love and grown on your resentment

no matter what she does, shes trapped

inescapable are your hands that attacked

growing old to find comfort in men that touch

in states of her mind she refutes to such

she'll end up like you, scared and alone

gleaming knife in skin and bone

or maybe a rope and chair to a ceiling of stone

and she'll always miss the warmth of home

— reddestofscarves, 8:32 pm

i wish to kiss you

in places the sunlight from the window doesn't reach

at the wrong moment to breach

on the dented mattress and pillow

in the heart you will never let me know.

- reddestofscarves, 10:23pm on febuary 8, 2024

febuary 3, 2024 — night time is a past-time

darling, the moon and stars know your name

every night i sing about it with shame

and every sonnet i write is the same

will you ever forgive me again?

in the dark of night, these terrors lie

creepies that crawl and bats that fly

something i can't face, in the clouds i'm still high

'cause my greatest fear is saying goodbye

but i used to bike in this neighbourhood of mine

lately all that's passed the streets is time

so it goes and the churchbells chime

i'll have to accept i'm out your light of lime

moon's not out tonight, maybe i'll be fine

maybe this time i won't dream you're mine

moon's not out tonight, maybe i'll be fine

maybe this time i won't dream you're mine

- reddestofscarves, 10:07pm

did jesus, in his mortal body and all-knowingness, ever feel crucified by his own followers' dedication?

how was i supposed to know that to love beyond bounds doesn't guarantee reciprocation?

how deserving was i to be faced with the decision of drowning in my deep-seeded altruism or in my unconditional adoration?

- reddestofscarves, 12:36am on january 27, 2024

there is a hole in my heart

it's bleeding, the veins come untangled

my arteries are exposed

still, it morbidly pulses, even in death's clutch

and it's shaped like you.

- reddestofscarves, 9:33am on january 20, 2024

and even if i was a cloud

made of condensed water and humid vapor

i would've loved to fade away

by your warm amber rays and lightyear burns

if it meant i'd be the only thing you'd ever touch.

-reddestofscarves, 5:35pm on december 23, 2023

december 23, 2023 — holy

it was easier to believe

in tales of adam and eve

even though i could never find

the god they said was so kind

i'd grown used to it all

the gentle hoax the church befalled

a blind-faith religion or a cult of sacrifice

either way, it served only to pacify

so when you spoke the illicit truth

that you loved me despite my being a sleuth

you forgave the sins that were not mine to repent

and every dime, for you i'd spent

you showed me the truth of love

and it felt holier than any angel from above

— reddestofscarves, 1:35am

" lied to a girl who hardly knew but thought the world of you, tryna trust in something new, still waitin' on you . . . . "

[ 💭 ] INTRODUCTION ;

call me koi!

i like hq, jjk, mha, zelda, alnst, omori, genshin, etc.

i also like taylor swift, beabadoobee, mitski, clairo, laufey, and more!

aside from writing, i also do art!

[ 🗯 ] GENERAL INFO ;

will mainly post poems!

kind of inactive ・・・(；´Д｀)

ask box is open anytime, come by and chat pls (ゝω・´★)

[ 💬 ] GOODBYE! ;

thanks 4 reading!!! come by again soon (⌒0⌒)／~~

© REDDESTOFSCARVES 2024 — pls don't plagiarize or repost anything :(

I coast through life

switching back and forth

from auto pilot.

Like a baby with no object permanence.

- C. Peach