Experience Tumblr like never before
I cry for the butcher
Gold silver and copper
cake my tongue
No harm can ever come from
my mother's praying hands
My filthy mouth -
I harmed myself
Orange wedge lip
Clenched ivory threat
Pulled the trigger with my tongue
Blood orange
Her saintly hands
I’m sorry - a million times over
I say to her
And when i finally cry
It is not for the lamb.
Um so...
I tried avoiding conflict with my mom... but that turned into avoiding my mom...
On tuesday after a very intense phone call with her and an equally intense therapy session, I decided to go no contact.
I then hung out with friends, got embarrassingly drunk, woke up with a hangover that was less debilitating than I had hoped and blocked her on all my socials.
I didn't think ti was going to hurt *me* this much. I should be happy. But I feel guilty. I feel like I gave up too soon, like if I had hung on a little longer, then everything would have been ok.
But I know that's not true. I know that she uses the fact that I still have hope to rope me back in every time. And every time I fall for it.
I know I don't miss her. I know I miss the "in between" times. I miss the way she would behave when she was making up for having hurt me; when she was trying to "earn" the forgiveness I gave her for free. I miss how she would make me feel so safe and so loved, like I was the only one with who she could really be herself, like there was no one in the world who saw me like she did.
I know that all those wo derfull feelings come at the cost of hollowing out everything that makes me "me" to make room for what she wants me to be.
I know all that.
And It still feels like I fucked up. Like I should apologize and beg for her forgiveness and pray to a god I no longer believe in that she will welcome me back into a "home" that has only ever felt as calm and as safe as the eye of a hurricane.