"I Dream Of Being Attacked By Birds..."

“Elizabeth, what’s your name?”

-my mother

“Why does February have, like, no days??”

-Someone I used to think was smart

Convesation between my mum and brother

Brother: He was in the way so we killed him

Mum: You killed your friend in his sleep?

B: It gets worse...

M: ...

B: ...

M: ...

B: We skinned him.

M: ...

B: We needed the leather!

“Need I remind you of your grandmother’s murderous intentions?”

-Me, probably about to get murdered by one of my friends grandmas

“I consulted the stars and they said fuck you.”

-Me

“Birds do fly, therefore I am a cop. You’re under arrest!”

“No, you are!”

“That’s my second claim to fame; I was once told off by a rodent!”

-My grandma, who once got shouted at by Mickey Mouse at Disney Land

“I refuse to get this philosophical over Pingu.”

"We called him sparky because he looked like a horse!"

"Are we implying the himbo is a seagull?"