Idk If I Have Enough Reach For This, But I Consistently Have Rare-ish Opinions So If Any Of Y'all Wanna

Crush by Richard Siken // Two Girls in Bed by Henri De Toulouse-Lautrec // “Washing Machine Heart” by Mitski // David Altmejd // Wasted by Marya Hornbacher // Embrace Painting by Peter Wever

"Maybe I crave your attention, maybe I just want you to be creepy and weird with me, maybe I want to make you happy and hear you laugh. And maybe, just maybe, there is a part of me that wants to hug you, run my fingers through your hair, read you books so you fall asleep easily, make breakfast and black coffee for you, hold your hand and watch you sleep early in the morning, give you little kisses on tip of your nose because it tickles funny and I'd love to hear you giggle, watch you draw, bring your favourite treats back home, watch you dress up in the morning and put your make up on, and let you sit on my lap while putting on mine, lighting a candle for our TV dinner because it is special when it's with you."

- my diary entry, 11.11.2020

snoopy of the day

Jungkook' hair highlights 🤝 Jimin' hair color

that childhood abuse survivor feel when you see a healthy family and part of you is happy that not everyone had to suffer like you did but the rest of you is just in this deep agony looking at what you never got to have

Does anyone else have breakdowns where you aren’t crying or yelling, but you just can’t think and you just want to curl up in a ball wherever you are?

as i read somewhere, there is no reason too little if it helps you stay alive. anyone who sees this, maybe go out and watch the sun set today? the sky's softness helps me out a lot, maybe it'll help you too

Nobody would miss me if i were gone and i guess that I just wanted to know your best reasons for living because I’m coming up short.. :(

i really don’t know, i was just thinking this the other day :/ i try to focus on what’s going to get me through today rather than what’s going to get me through my life. i can’t think about my life. mostly i come up with small, basically meaningless reasons like eating my fave food or the sky or the possibility of the world finally cutting me some slack and loosening its grip on me a bit. i try to think about it a lot, how i haven’t met everyone i’m supposed to meet or seen everything i’m supposed to see. a lot of the time it’s not even any of that that keeps me here though, it’s just that dying is too hard. too scary. too inconvenient. too permanent. so look for the minor moments of peace or even just numbness, the lack of pain, that you find on a daily or weekly basis. anything that brings you a semblance of joy, no matter how little. art, music, walking, special interests, books, animals. whatever it may be. the trick of mental illness is that it often makes these things feel dull and insignificant and pointless. yet engaging in them despite that, even for five minutes a day, can be super self soothing even so. when it comes to the bigger reasons, the more existential reasons, i suppose my mind drifts to my family and the people around me. ig on some level we have to recognize that trauma and mental illness often skews our perception so much that we don’t even have an accurate idea of our own existence or what it means to people. you’re probably utterly convinced that nobody would miss you but you’ve been on a diet of self hatred for god knows how long, and so you can’t possibly fathom the way you’ve made a difference in people’s lives - directly and indirectly. after my sister died, i got a lot of anons telling me they had put off their own suicide after seeing how devastated i was, after realizing the absolute irreversible gravity of death and losing someone and how it can wreck the people who know you. and that has a ripple effect, on people who didn’t even know you that well, too. it’s just a spiderweb of hurt that never ends. i’m not saying you have to stay alive purely for others, but i am saying it’s something to consider when looking for reasons to stick around. another thought i often have is that i am going to be dead for all of eternity. it’s coming sooner than i think, and there’s nothing i can do about it. so i might as well ride it out until i get there and observe the brief flash of human consciousness i got. because it took coincidence after coincidence for millenia to get me here in the first place. but honestly, none of this is going to ring true for you if you don’t try to confront the underlying causes for these thoughts and feelings. i know it’s easier said than done, and idk the details of your situation or anything. but if it’s possible, or when it’s possible, i would really recommend reaching out to a professional - a hot line, your doctor, a support group, a therapist - if you can, or even just your friends and family to begin with. mental health issues are just as serious as physical health issues and often need the same level of medical care in order to overcome them. and that’s alright. you don’t have to go into great detail about what’s going on right away, and there’s no rush here. but learning to cope healthily and compartmentalize  by talking through your pain and being truly heard, is not as impossible as it seems at the moment. it is not some far away goal, it can begin by picking up the phone. obviously this is a super daunting prospect, and i understand that, but it’s just something to think about for now. you deserve support, and a future. this current mental anguish is not all there is. anyway sorry my answer is all over the place, none of this is coming out right and it probably wasn’t the best one i could give to be honest, but it’s where i’m at right now too and i just can not focus. sending you a lot of love. you do matter. please take care x

three chapters and 42 comments is kinda crazy

me and the homies are just chatty 💔 playing with our touys fr

i knew this conceptually, but like you dont really KNOW that public school is designed to set you up to be a good worker bee until you're cracking out a report, after hours, at 7 pm on a monday night and it hits you; oh, i'm doing homework, this is why they made me do homework, and suddenly i'm feeling it in my chest. i cant believe i was raised by the state to be an automaton, and worse, i am one of the lucky robots who isn't doing manual labor.