As I Read Somewhere, There Is No Reason Too Little If It Helps You Stay Alive. Anyone Who Sees This,
as i read somewhere, there is no reason too little if it helps you stay alive. anyone who sees this, maybe go out and watch the sun set today? the sky's softness helps me out a lot, maybe it'll help you too
Nobody would miss me if i were gone and i guess that I just wanted to know your best reasons for living because I’m coming up short.. :(
i really don’t know, i was just thinking this the other day :/ i try to focus on what’s going to get me through today rather than what’s going to get me through my life. i can’t think about my life. mostly i come up with small, basically meaningless reasons like eating my fave food or the sky or the possibility of the world finally cutting me some slack and loosening its grip on me a bit. i try to think about it a lot, how i haven’t met everyone i’m supposed to meet or seen everything i’m supposed to see. a lot of the time it’s not even any of that that keeps me here though, it’s just that dying is too hard. too scary. too inconvenient. too permanent. so look for the minor moments of peace or even just numbness, the lack of pain, that you find on a daily or weekly basis. anything that brings you a semblance of joy, no matter how little. art, music, walking, special interests, books, animals. whatever it may be. the trick of mental illness is that it often makes these things feel dull and insignificant and pointless. yet engaging in them despite that, even for five minutes a day, can be super self soothing even so. when it comes to the bigger reasons, the more existential reasons, i suppose my mind drifts to my family and the people around me. ig on some level we have to recognize that trauma and mental illness often skews our perception so much that we don’t even have an accurate idea of our own existence or what it means to people. you’re probably utterly convinced that nobody would miss you but you’ve been on a diet of self hatred for god knows how long, and so you can’t possibly fathom the way you’ve made a difference in people’s lives - directly and indirectly. after my sister died, i got a lot of anons telling me they had put off their own suicide after seeing how devastated i was, after realizing the absolute irreversible gravity of death and losing someone and how it can wreck the people who know you. and that has a ripple effect, on people who didn’t even know you that well, too. it’s just a spiderweb of hurt that never ends. i’m not saying you have to stay alive purely for others, but i am saying it’s something to consider when looking for reasons to stick around. another thought i often have is that i am going to be dead for all of eternity. it’s coming sooner than i think, and there’s nothing i can do about it. so i might as well ride it out until i get there and observe the brief flash of human consciousness i got. because it took coincidence after coincidence for millenia to get me here in the first place. but honestly, none of this is going to ring true for you if you don’t try to confront the underlying causes for these thoughts and feelings. i know it’s easier said than done, and idk the details of your situation or anything. but if it’s possible, or when it’s possible, i would really recommend reaching out to a professional - a hot line, your doctor, a support group, a therapist - if you can, or even just your friends and family to begin with. mental health issues are just as serious as physical health issues and often need the same level of medical care in order to overcome them. and that’s alright. you don’t have to go into great detail about what’s going on right away, and there’s no rush here. but learning to cope healthily and compartmentalize by talking through your pain and being truly heard, is not as impossible as it seems at the moment. it is not some far away goal, it can begin by picking up the phone. obviously this is a super daunting prospect, and i understand that, but it’s just something to think about for now. you deserve support, and a future. this current mental anguish is not all there is. anyway sorry my answer is all over the place, none of this is coming out right and it probably wasn’t the best one i could give to be honest, but it’s where i’m at right now too and i just can not focus. sending you a lot of love. you do matter. please take care x
More Posts from Sleepy-nights-sleepy-days and Others
there is an interesting tension to be had when both the malfoy and weasley families have been sorted into their respective hogwarts house for generations upon generations, and we come to find that despite surface-level appearances: draco isn't the most slytherin of slytherins, and ron isn't the most gryffindor of gryffindors
¡Psychological brainwashing!
they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency
they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own
they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult
they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life
they convinced me I would be dead without them
they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to
they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told
they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)
they convinced me escaping them equals death
they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault
they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it
they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them
they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else
they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own
they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor
they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely
they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused
they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay
they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay
I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do
I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up
I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time
I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now
I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again
I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to
I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me
I don’t believe I could survive without them
I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it
I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here
¡Violence and threats!
they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home
they threatened to hurt me if I leave
they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave
they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave
they threatened to call the police if I leave
they threatened to kill me if I leave
they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave
they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave
they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me
they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death
¡Emotional manipulation and guilt!
they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do
they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive
they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends
they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away
they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to
they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them
they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving
they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them
¡Escape Sabotage!
they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it
they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me
they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover
they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)
they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave
they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away
they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something rigth when you need to finish and submit your final work)
Am I being held hostage by abuser(s)? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure.
Psychological brainwashing
they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency
they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own
they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult
they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life
they convinced me I would be dead without them
they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to
they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told
they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)
they convinced me escaping them equals death
they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault
they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it
they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them
they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else
they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own
they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor
they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely
they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused
they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay
they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay
I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do
I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up
I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time
I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now
I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again
I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to
I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me
I don’t believe I could survive without them
I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it
I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here
Violence and threats
they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home
they threatened to hurt me if I leave
they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave
they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave
they threatened to call the police if I leave
they threatened to kill me if I leave
they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave
they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave
they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me
they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death
Emotional manipulation and guilt
they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do
they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive
they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends
they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away
they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to
they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them
they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving
they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them
Escape Sabotage
they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it
they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me
they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover
they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)
they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave
they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away
they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something rigth when you need to finish and submit your final work)
if you can bold even 3 of these, your abusers are aware that they’re abusing you, and that is logical for you to want to get away from them, and they’re making direct actions to sabotage and stop you from escaping.Only reason they would try to convince you that you can’t survive without them is that they know you are able to, and they’re actively trying to stop it. If you feel pathetic for not being able to leave, this isn’t true, you’ll notice abusers are putting shitton of work making sure you can’t leave, they wouldn’t be doing that if they really thought you were too pathetic to leave? They’re sabotaging you because they know you can get away.
Also, presenting themselves as the only source of survival, love, and comfort to you? They’re trying to affect you to trauma bond to them and have you develop Stockholm Syndrome, that means you’d be forced to make decisions for their benefit instead of yours, and you wouldn’t be able to fight against them because it would mean risking your life.
"Ao3 should allow multiple kudos" "I want to be able to leave more than one kudos"
COMMENT ON THE FUCKING FIC
I SWEAR TO GOD NO ONE COMMENTS MUCH NOW WHEN THE ONLY WAY TO SHOW APPRECIATION FOR A SINGLE CHAPTER IS COMMENTING AND I AM NOT HAVING THIS BULLSHIT BE LIKE TIKTOK WHERE NO ONE EVER COMMENTS POSITIVITY
FOR FUCKS SAKE JUST COMMENT ON THE FUCKING FIC YOU DON'T NEED A MULTIPLE KUDOS BUTTON YOU NEED ACTUAL WORDS
TRUST ME ON ANY WEBSITE OR APP I POST COMMENTS AND WORDS ARE 10X BETTER THAN ANY PLAIN LIKE AND WORDLESS REBLOG IF YOU LIKE SOMETHING LEAVE WORDS
COMMENT
ON
THE
FUCKING
FICS
mkay dron nation, i present to you: the fic that stemmed entirely from the offhand thought "Ron would have more emotional intelligence than this" while reading a random mention of the sectumsempra scene™ and then summarily took over my entire life.
inspiral
[in which Sirius lives, Harry chills out (relatively), and Ron is forced (by absolutely no one) to pick up the Malfoy-stalking slack.
. . .
Ron was growing weary of Harry and Malfoy circling each other like a pair of feral street cats gearing up for a fight. It reminded him of Mr. Mittens, the raggedy cat Ginny had smuggled home once, and his . . . friend. He sometimes worried that this all might end up like that, what with Harry throwing around wild accusations and Malfoy sneering cryptic shite at them in response. It was ridiculous, but Ron suspected whatever Mr. Mittens had going on back then wasn’t very rational either, and they’d still ended up with a cat, a corpse, and a bloody living room floor.
. . .
Ron paused with his hand reaching for the bathroom door, debating turning back-- back to dinner and his friends and pretending he saw nothing out of the ordinary.
it's. long. this thing. so weekly updates, with ch1 up now💞
He drew in a breath before easing it open. The sound of sobbing -- choking, heaving, desperate -- was no longer muffled by the heavy wood. A high, whiny voice crooned empty platitudes like backing vocals for the world’s most depressing song, and it was with a creeping horror that Ron realized Myrtle wasn’t the one crying.
. . .]
onto the ch1 highlight reel!!
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damn this game just keeps getting more complex
OOB dungeons are super interesting! i used this tutorial to get here (shoutout this creator, he's my goat most of my glitches are from him):
i'm working on another area a little further down, i really wanna get there it looks pretty
also, DON'T TRY OOBING WITH SITTING GLITCH. i did! but it was such a headache, i don't recommend it at all
^ finally this genuine glitch happened to me, which i found kind of funny- i logged out normally and i came back to this
people seem to have trouble understanding why i’m an anti-capitalist, so i’m going to try and put it into simple, real-life terms.
i work at a restaurant. i make $12 an hour, plus tips. minimum wage where i live is relatively high for my country - the national minimum wage is $7.25/hr, and has not been raised since 2009. before taxes, working full time, my yearly income is about $22,000 a year. ($25,000 if you count tips)
at my job, we sell various dishes, with an average price of about $10-$15. we get printouts every week detailing how much money we made that week; in one week, our restaurant makes about $30,000. (one of our other locations actually makes this much on a daily basis!)
i’m not going to go into details, but after the costs of production (payroll for employees, rent for the building, maintenance, and wholesale food purchasing) are accounted for, the restaurant makes an estimated profit of $20,000 per week.
this profit goes directly to the owner, who does not work at this location. the owner of my restaurant has actually been on vacation for a few months, but still profits from the restaurant, because they own it. i have met the owner exactly twice in my year of working here.
to put this into perspective, the owner of this restaurant earns in 2 days what they pay me in one year. and that’s just from this single location - the owner has several other restaurants, all of which make more money than the one i work at. this ends up resulting in the owner having an estimated net worth of tens of millions of dollars, even after accounting for the payroll for every single worker in their employ.
now, i have to ask you: does the owner of my restaurant deserve this income? did they earn it? did their labor result in this value being created?
the naive answer would be “yes”; the owner purchased the location and arranged for the raw ingredients to be delivered, did they not?
the actual answer is “no”. the owner may have used their initial capital to start the location, but the profit is a result of my labor, and the labor of my co-workers.
the owner purchases rice at a very low bulk price of about 25 cents a pound. i cook the rice, and within a few minutes, that pound of rice is suddenly worth about $30. the owner did not create this value, i did. the owner simply provided the initial capital investment required to start the process.
what needs to be understood here is that capitalists do not create value. they use the labor of their employees to create value, and then take the excess profit and keep it.
what needs to be understood is that capitalists accrue income by already HAVING money. the owner of my restaurant was only able to get this far because they started off, from the very beginning, with enough money to purchase a building, purchase food in bulk, and hire hundreds of employees.
that is to say: the rich get richer, and they do so by exploiting the labor of the poor.
the owner of my restaurant could afford to triple the income of every single person in their employee if they felt like it, but this would mean that they were generating less profit for themselves, so they do not.
the owner of my restaurant pays me the current minimum wage of my area, because to them, i am not a person. i am an investment. i am an asset. i am a means to create more money.
when you are paid minimum wage, the message your boss is sending you is this: “legally, if i could pay you less, i would.”
every capitalist on the planet exploits their workers for their own gain. every capitalist, even the small business owners, forces people to stay in poverty so that the capitalist can profit.
What’s something about Ron Weasley as a character that you think is underrated?
That Ron is really, really funny, and that his sense of humour isn't a sign of immaturity or gratuitous comic relief for the reader's sake, but an absolutely essential part of what both Harry and Hermione value in Ron as a character as an antidote to their own tendencies (moodiness and seriousness/anxiousness, respectively). Ron makes bad days bearable to get through for the people around him. I think people mistake Ron making jokes for a lack of emotional awareness, but I actually think it’s the opposite. By the series end Ron is literally the most emotionally well-adjusted of the central canon characters. That line about Peeves’ poem right at the end of DH when the war is won (“Really gives a feeling for the scope and tragedy of the thing, doesn't it?”) is a) brilliant and b) such a great manifesto for how Ron’s outlook on the world — not humour as emotional avoidance, but humour that sits within all the grief and pain and suffering, and makes it that bit more bearable. So yeah Ron Weasley’s love for chuckles is Important and Overlooked and I will keep saying it til I am blue in the face
listening to music isn’t enough anymore i need to eat it
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verisimilous on ao3 ➳ they call me the CDC the way i run the Collaborative Delulu Center
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