Does Anyone Else Have Breakdowns Where You Aren’t Crying Or Yelling, But You Just Can’t Think And

a lovely lady asked me to elaborate so i'm back again,,,, voltron the show treats lance's envy and resulting competitiveness as a Cute Funny Haha thing, especially in the beginning seasons as they struggle to figure out how to work together . .

but as someone who's experienced this sort of thing where there's someone in your life that seems to be naturally and effortlessly better than you at something that's Important to you, that you want to be better at yourself, logic tends to go out the window,,, it doesn't matter that you have your own strengths, that you're different ppl with different skills and experiences . . . it simply becomes an all-consuming Skill Issue that's All. Your. Fault.

while i've seen this addressed in fic, the feeling is all to eager to peter out, to be wiped away with a random bonding moment and be replaced with love or respect or admiration-- but . . it's not that simple . . ever . . . no matter how hot this rival is (in fact this just adds salt to the wound). the fun part is that these two attitudes can coexist! for maximum angst!!! the resentment can curdle and rot and fester in the center of your chest WHILE staring in awe, while praising and complimenting them.

depending on how your interpret canon, lance spent 0.5 - 1 year in the fighter pilot program after keith left (and Only because he left) where he was canonically periodically reminded by that Bitch that lance, no matter how well he performed, would never be able to live up to keith, piloting prodigy . . he was just casually near-daily told he would always be second-best at one of the things most important to him in the world . . . even logically dissecting that iverson's words were purposefully hateful, unconstructive, and Should be disregarded, doesn't mean that kinda of treatment, that kind of rhetoric, wouldn't become deeply internalized within lance, no matter how calmly and logically he thought about it. the killer, in the end, is that iverson was simply repeating lance's intrusive thoughts back to him Out Loud, and framing it as The Truth. no matter how much lance comes to like and admire keith as a person and not just a Prodigy, that shit will take a long time and a Lot of work to unroot from his thought patterns.

and then there comes keith's perspective . . oh my dear boy, keith, certain things just come easy to him yk? but that's no big deal; who likes flying and martial arts and rather dislikes sitting still,,, so does a lot of the former to avoid the latter.

keith who's been abandoned, isolated, and socially ostracized basically all his life . . who watches lance walk in a room and light it up with laughter every single time; lance, who has a loving family who he talks about and misses, and misses, and misses; who miss him back; who has a wonderful, living mother who's laughing with lance on his lockscreen . . .

keith who's had this secret, implicit belief all his life that there's something wrong with him, something unnamable and terrible that drives everyone away from him, eventually. watches lance attract people like a magnet wherever he goes.

who watches the friendliest, most socially adept and intelligent person he knows recoil from him time and time again. who always has a charming flirt or a kind, reassuring word for everyone on the castleship . . except keith. who sneers and argues and insults and competes with his every attempt to make some sort of connection; the poisonous, wriggling thought squeezes into keith's mind again and again, tinged with a paranoia he's carried close to his heart since forever, that lance knows, that he was able to sense whatever it was Wrong with keith and that he was, disgusted. so he takes that bone-deep fear and points it outward, like a knife.

mayhamps i will write a fic 🫠

klance can be so toxic, they can be SOOO TOXIC and it's so delicious bc their insecurities are exactly equal and Opposite, they want to be each other sooo bad, the other's very existence is like a persistent thumb digging into a bruise if not an Open Wound, there is so much space for resentment, SO MUCH space for resentment and miscommunication and emotional stuntedness and misunderstandings . . . klance nation serve this up please 🙏🙏🙏

am i real?

post by : @playingonmydsi <3

How DIDN'T he already know. (He already knew)

Fun Fact when Regulus died Sirius barely moved, barely ate, barely looked at anyone or anything for days besides the only picture he had of Regulus as a child, smiling and clutched it to his chest while whispering "my baby, my baby, my baby" on repeat to himself as tears streamed down his face.

(And Remus could do nothing but hold Sirius as his heart broke for him and James)

a dialogue between the unloved and the loving

neil hilborn // miranda july // @orpheuslament // aaron o’hanlon // georges bataille // natalie wee “least of all” // @fridayiminlovemp3 // maria petrovykh “love me. i am pitch black” // “the seven husbands of evelyn hugo” // sylvia plath “johnny panic & the bible of dreams” // mary oliver “wild geese” // sue zhao // virginia woolf from a letter to katherine mansfield // trista mateer

I learned recently, while researching gaslighting, that there is a second type called ‘Emotional gaslighting’. This is when your abusers deny the reality of your feelings. 'You’re too sensitive’, 'It wasn’t that bad’, 'You’re just faking it for attention’, 'Stop acting like you’re hurt’ 'Come on, it didn’t hurt you’ 'You’re overreacting!’ 'You’re fine, stop exaggerating’, these phrases deny your own feelings to you. They communicate to you that not only the abuser doesn’t believe you’re experiencing pain, they’re demanding you to pretend that you aren’t. They’re asking you to deny your reality and to pretend it’s not real.

This will make you feel like you’re not allowed to feel your own emotions, and you’ll end up questioning if any of your emotion is real or are you faking it? Are you justified in feeling what you do? Are your feelings of pain and terror really just an exaggeration that doesn’t have a basis in reality? Are you making up your own suffering? Is all this pain in your head only?

This, again, will cause you to feel like you’re going insane, and doubt your every reaction to any event, you’ll try to see if thru someone else’s eyes you would be perceived as 'reasonable’ for having a reaction that you do, and it will drive you insane trying to figure out what are the 'correct’ responses while all you feel is shame, anxiety, pain and desperation.

This illusion falls apart when you realize that all 'correct’ responses are only those convenient to your abuser, and that somehow, your every positive and obedient reaction to them is 'correct’, while justified upset and pain at their abuse is 'wrong and forbidden’. So somehow you’ve been reacting to everything right, except the abuse. Somehow, your every thought and feeling needs to be convenient to them or it’s wrong. That’s how you know it’s only a self-serving game they’re playing, and all your emotions were correct all along, as there’s no way for you to 'feel’ wrong. All your pain is still their fault, and not your fault for 'feeling it’, and things are exactly as bad as you feel them. Your feelings are a reflection of reality that is happening to you, if there was no cause of you feeling upset and pained, you would not be feeling it.  

help lmao

Richard Siken / Anne Sexton

they arent a rarepair in my heart bc i think about them constantly and it needs to stop and also ive gotta finish my physics hw

"Maybe I crave your attention, maybe I just want you to be creepy and weird with me, maybe I want to make you happy and hear you laugh. And maybe, just maybe, there is a part of me that wants to hug you, run my fingers through your hair, read you books so you fall asleep easily, make breakfast and black coffee for you, hold your hand and watch you sleep early in the morning, give you little kisses on tip of your nose because it tickles funny and I'd love to hear you giggle, watch you draw, bring your favourite treats back home, watch you dress up in the morning and put your make up on, and let you sit on my lap while putting on mine, lighting a candle for our TV dinner because it is special when it's with you."

- my diary entry, 11.11.2020

wanted to play the Last Line Game i've seen floating around, so had to take it into my own hands and tag myself lmao, bc i have no friends here (yet!)

currently writing chapter 4 of my 6th year Dron fic, Inspiral!!

(ask me literally anything abt it pls pls i will rant abt them forever)