I Signed Up For An Ao3 Invite To Incentivize Myself To Not Be Afraid In Continuing My Fanfic-writing

"Make Wyll worse. Make him turn evil. Make him want revenge or to hurt other people, just like the other characters. That would fix him. That would make him interesting."

Wrong. Wrong. Very wrong.

Make Wyll worse. Make him continually sacrifice his comfort for the safety of others. Let him constantly put himself last in his goal to make the world a better place. Watch him erase his sense of self for a heroic mask that exists to make others feel comfortable and at ease around him. Have Wyll grind away at himself day after day after day until there is nothing left for him to give. The only worse Wyll I want to see is one who continually sets himself on fire to keep others warm.

I cannot fucking wait until this idea that just because someone is good/kind/helpful then they must be infantile/naive/boring dies. No, being a nihilistic pessimist is not more interesting or whatever, especially when there are already characters in BG3 that fulfill that role.

Ways I Show a Character Is Secretly Lonely (Even When Surrounded by People)

I love writing characters who insist they’re “fine” while clearly radiating the desperate energy of a dog left home alone for eight hours with no enrichment activities.

They laugh too loud at jokes that aren’t funny. And not just a chuckle—like full-blown sitcom audience laughter. Because if they laugh hard enough, maybe no one will notice the hollow echo inside.

They overshare weirdly fast. First conversation? Congrats, you now know about their third-grade trauma and their mom’s weird obsession with Tupperware. It’s like emotional diarrhea: uncontrollable, messy, and a cry for connection they don’t even realize they’re making.

They get way too invested in minor social interactions. The barista remembered their name? That’s the emotional highlight of their month now. They’re writing about it in their journal tonight.

They cling to any group or friend who gives them an ounce of attention. Book club? Bowling league? Interpretive dance class for introverts? They’re signing up just to hear someone say, “See you next week.”

They’re the ultimate “life of the party” but go home feeling like they were never actually seen. Because if you're entertaining enough, nobody looks too closely at the emptiness.

Their texts are weirdly enthusiastic at 2 a.m. "OMG WE HAVE TO HANG OUT!!!!" followed by weeks of silence. It’s not flakiness, it’s a tidal wave of loneliness crashing into a wall of shame.

They constantly post selfies, group photos, “Having so much fun!!” posts… and yet, somehow, you can smell the loneliness through the screen. (If you could bottle that vibe, it would smell like stale wine and unsent texts.)

They stay in bad relationships just to not feel alone. Red flags? They’ve knitted a full quilt out of them. Because someone is better than no one, right? (It’s not.)

They sabotage good relationships because vulnerability is scarier than loneliness. "If I push them away first, they can’t hurt me!" - them, crying alone on a Friday night, claiming they're just "enjoying some me-time."

They have this glazed look when people talk about “close friends.” Like they know what it’s supposed to feel like, but they’re running on Google Image results and secondhand memories from coming-of-age movies.

I don't claim to know how studios or developers work, but it really is disappointing to see how obviously Wyll always gets the short end of the stick. I didn't know about those changes in earlier patches for other characters, but the Astarion one really bugs me if that's true. I loved Wyll from the beginning of my first playthrough, but even without knowing the meta stuff going on with his content having to be cut/rewritten, it did feel like he was not getting as much attention as other characters and that was sad to see.

With Wyll being the only Black character in the main cast, it's absolutely worth talking about that he just so happens to also be the one neglected the most. There are lots of people more qualified than me to talk about this (and who have been talking about this, for a while, and providing some very important criticisms) but it rubs me the wrong way to see people completely dismissing the possibility of racism entirely just because they love the game. You can love the game and the artists behind it, while also being critical and calling things out. I love the game, but the entire situation with Wyll does bother me and it's worth talking about. I really love Wyll as a character and wish people gave him more love, even if Larian doesn't.

Also Theo Solomon did a fantastic job with the character, and I loved him in the D&D live session. I'd love to see him do more projects!

As patch 8 is going to be released, we are going to see new features and changes.

The declaration of an end of an era.

But Larian Studios still won’t give Wyll any content.

Larian knows people want Wyll to have more content they have seen comments from them but they’re actively ignoring them while liking people’s demands of having a Gortash romance.

Before anyone says “complaining won’t do anything”, it does anything.

For examples:

• Ascended!Astarion fans complaining about their Tav being afraid when Astarion kisses them. Larian changed Ascended!Astarion’s kiss to have Tav smiling after being treated like they were nothing.

Basically Larian threw out the whole entire point that Astarion is continuing the cycle of abuse that Cazador placed him through. Because they wanted to placate the Ascended!Astarion fans.

• Fans complaining about how Lae’zel is “too mean” when you first meet her after escaping the ship. Larian changed that to have her a bit nicer.

If there’s more let me know.

Larian has shown time and time again how little they care about Wyll and his story, heck! He’s the most integral piece of the story since he’s literally the son of Uldr Ravenguard, the grand Duke of Baldur’s Gate, but they don’t bother to give him content or fix the bugs that he has.

They don’t even bother to give Wyll a page that talks about him only without putting Mizora in it. Just put his enslaver with him instead of giving him his own page.

Larian can do better and they should be actively better but they chose not to do better since they would rather listen to other fans instead of Wyll fans that want him to have more content.

I honestly feel bad for Theo Solomon, Wyll’s VA, for getting the short hand of not getting anymore voice lines or content for Wyll, because Larian gave up on Wyll. He does an amazing job as Wyll and he’s entirely a sweet guy.

Me while writing: oh hell yes this is such a good sentence I'm the master of poetic imagery

The writing when I go back to edit:

Etriel Analelle Ancunin and the young Astarion Ancunin

my ko-fi

I was asked if I had any thoughts on Astarion's character development in terms of taking responsibility and making choices. And him coming to terms with that part of his past he's ashamed of. In the past I didn't dwell on it in detail, normally I write down on the keyboard what spontaneously passes through my brain. But I think they are excellent food for thought, so I will try to express what I think about it.

Here’s a little ramble, just because I love psychology and think it’s something to always keep in mind when discussing Astarion. If you’re not interested, feel free to skip ahead!

(Let’s talk a bit about the self.

The self is quite a complex concept with many facets. Briefly put, it’s shaped by various internal and external factors and reflects a conscious image of "me." In psychology, it’s key to building the Ego of an individual—the capacity to act, understand, organize, and interpret experiences. The Ego provides a sense of uniqueness, coherence, and personal continuity since the self encompasses many "faces." All this forms the personality of an individual, which naturally develops (and changes) throughout life.

Particular attention in the formation of the self is given to sensitive periods, such as early childhood. The self determines the level of self-esteem based on an individual’s assessment of their worth and competence in the characteristics they attribute to themselves (Real Self), their future aspirations (Ideal Self), and what they want to avoid (Feared Selves). The greater the discrepancy between these aspects, the lower the level of self-esteem. Social support and approval, as well as competence in domains deemed important to the self, obviously contribute to perceiving oneself as a person of value.

I’ll stop here, or this will turn into a full-blown psychology lecture, diving into every possible personality disorder! xD)

Astarion, as we know, has had his sense of self fundamentally undermined. For him, the world is divided between those who have power and those who don’t, with the former always being the "winners" in his eyes. The magistrate he once was is long dead, along with his moral compass and the life he used to live—especially after 200 years of servitude to Cazador.

As vampire spawn, akin to a newborn in some respects, Astarion learned to exist solely within Cazador’s world, revolving around Cazador, for Cazador. He was the domineering father figure, and vampire society functions under strict rules handed down by vampire lords. In this hostile context, without any room for self-expression or choice, Astarion developed a fragmented and damaged self-image. Constantly belittled by Cazador as an individual (small, weak, useless, incapable, all words he uses in the game), always pitted against his brothers and sisters, and degraded from a magistrate to a prostitute (this is important because it’s the only skill—or "talent," as he calls it himself—that Astarion believes gives him any value or power, forming the basis for his self-image). It’s easy to imagine just how high his self-esteem must be, right? Most importantly, he never developed the skills to navigate life as a free individual—at least not in a healthy way.

This is why, even if reluctantly (and despite his fear), he ends up leaning on Tav/Durge. Astarion is a follower, not a leader—not yet, at least. He needs a guiding figure to help him figure out what to do because making decisions and acting independently don’t come naturally to him; they terrify him. Especially outside of his talents, sex and survival. He needs to be rehabilitated, re-educated, and to achieve this, he requires a safe and healthy environment where he can experiment and grow, perhaps developing other faces of the self on which to base a new evaluation. Like, I'm not just a slave or a whore: but I'm also a companion, a friend, a lover, a hero and I'm able to listen, to help, to learn, to collaborate, etc. For instance, I think his lack of attention to detail reflects this to some extent—not just his tendency to be dismissive or distracted. In fact, Astarion isn’t stupid at all; his intelligence and wisdom stats in D&D terms are above average. He knows how to move in the shadows, remain unnoticed, and is highly skilled with his hands. Additionally, we shouldn’t forget that Astarion is an excellent observer of bodies, particularly body language. This is especially common when someone has lived in a stressful environment with abusive parents or partners. Recognizing the early signs of what they fear most—abuse—is crucial for trying to avoid getting hurt. The inflection of a tone, the light in someone’s eyes, the posture of their shoulders, arms, torso, etc. Body language is the most direct and primal form of communication and reveals intentions.

This is a skill Astarion has naturally refined, not only through survival but also by interacting with countless partners. It inevitably helps him sense certain things before others do, often saving him from trouble. So, he’s far from just some clueless fool, no matter how frivolous he might seem at times.

Sure, stress kills neurons, but the issue is deeper than intellect. To execute a plan, one needs to make decisions and lead a group—something he simply isn’t equipped to do yet. This also ties to accountability, an inherent part of decision-making—especially when others are involved.

Throughout the game, Astarion grows and begins to reclaim his rights as an individual. He realizes he’s more than an object to be used (he is no longer small, weak, useless, incapable), and he starts to establish boundaries and discover what he truly wants or doesn’t want to do, always alongside Tav/Durge. By the good ending, he even states that with Cazador gone, he can finally find out who he really is and what he wants from the life he’s regained. He’s still afraid—the road to healing is long, and the trauma is deep—but he’s willing to work on himself, which he couldn’t or wouldn’t do before.

A significant part of Astarion’s defense mechanism is dissociation, the ability to separate himself from the terrible things that have happened to him—or that he has done.

This, in my opinion, is how he managed to survive without completely losing his mind. In the game, there’s even a dialogue choice that highlights how Astarion simply repressed everything inside and kept going—a deeply unhealthy way of coping. And rightly so, the vampiric spawn retorts that it’s easy to judge when you haven’t lived through such a situation.

However, when Astarion comes face to face with his victims, that mechanism begins to falter. This time, he’s forced to confront what he has done directly, with all the consequences it entails. He has to look them in the eye, listen to their harsh words, and endure both their pain and his own—without filters, without excuses. The sequence is heart-wrenching, as we all know, but what I particularly love is Astarion’s comment about the Gur children and how, when he delivered them to Cazador, he felt nothing. I love it because it’s followed by an “oh” that speaks volumes more than all the discussions about ascension up until that moment. That “oh” seems to say, “How the hell is that even possible?!”

Astarion is surprised, first and foremost, because what he felt then isn’t what he’s feeling now. Before, he was numb, alienated—a ghost wandering the streets. But now, he’s not. He’s more awake and lucid than he’s been in the last 200 years. This concept is crystal clear when, upon setting foot inside Cazador’s palace, the vampiric spawn states that everything feels different, even though the place hasn’t changed. It’s not the palace that’s different; it’s Astarion!

And at this point, after speaking with Sebastian and Chessa, Astarion is torn.

On one side, there’s ascension, with all the rational explanations—or justifications for Tav/Durge and himself—about why it must be done. The vampire spawn are too many and too hungry; they’ll cause a massacre, etc., etc. On another side, there’s the need to erase the evidence of what he was, of what Astarion endured, and what he inflicted upon others—what these wretches represent as a mirror reflecting his own helplessness and pathetic state. A victim, essentially. And that, for him, is humiliating because he was, in fact, humiliated for 200 years. He’s deeply ashamed of it.

But yet another part of him holds the desire to do the right thing.

In fact, if asked about the prisoners and what he intends to do, Astarion will say he’s weighing his options. Not only that, but Astarion also gives his approval when Tav/Durge tells Sebastian that their freedom depends on whether or not they know how to control hunger. Adding immediately after that they can succeed. Anyway, at this moment, for the first time, the choice and the responsibility are entirely on Astarion's shoulders—and on his conscience. There are no orders from Cazador to carry out, no Tav/Durge acting on his behalf. The most Tav/Durge can do is help him think clearly in a moment when, between fear, the scent of blood in the air, and power within reach, Astarion might not be the most clear-headed being on the planet. But ultimately, the decision is his to make. The first of many more to come.

However, I believe Astarion truly takes responsibility for his actions when, after freeing the vampire spawn, he becomes the leader of the coven in the Underdark in the ending. In this particular case, the transformation is complete—Astarion is a leader who plans, makes tough decisions every day, manages resources, takes care of his people (his old victims, let's not forget), and continually grows in his independence.

Naturally, returning to the concept of the self, each of the endings—whether he travels across Faerûn with Tav/Durge, becomes a nocturnal vigilante in Baldur’s Gate, or even ascends—offers a perspective on how Astarion has changed and how new experiences have added positive aspects to his self-concept. These enable him to increasingly perceive himself as competent and valuable. At this point, I’m afraid I might have gotten lost in the flood of words, and I’m not sure if I’ve managed to address the proposed topics thoroughly. My apologies—I tend to lose myself in my thoughts and ramble on freely! If needed, feel free to let me know, and I’ll add a follow-up! xD Anyone who made it this far is a true hero, just so you know!

I've already spent too much time messing around in photo mode. I'm not very good at it but here are some of my favorite shots of Astarion and my Tav (River) getting to just relax and have a wholesome time for once. It's making me want to write about them.

To be fair, you have to have an extremely high level of mental illness to understand Disco Elysium

I can't believe I feel like I need to say this, but Wyll's writer doesn't deserve as much hate as they've been getting.

They're not in charge of making literally every single creative decision for Wyll.

It was not just Wyll's writer who decided to rewrite Wyll from the Early Access Wyll Eltan into Wyll Ravengard.

It's not Wyll's writer who gave Wyll the standard Warlock outfit instead of a custom starting outfit like every other origin character gets.

It's not Wyll's writer who gave Wyll one of the standard hairstyles, instead of a custom one. And it's not Wyll's writer who made Wyll's hair with that very poorly done and inaccurate hair texture.

It's not Wyll's writer who decided to barely put Wyll in the art book.

It's not just Wyll's writer who decided he wasn't getting a sex scene like every other origin character gets.

It's not Wyll's writer who cut the Upper city, where (allegedly) a lot of Wyll's arc was supposed to happen, causing Wyll to (allegedly) be hastily heavily rewritten again.

Wyll was not written in a vacuum. A video game is not made by just one person calling the shots—these decisions would have been made by the creative team at large. As a whole Larian Studios did not put as much time/money/effort into Wyll as they put into the other Origin characters.

And look, I know this is purely conjecture, but if I were Wyll's writer and had an entire story planned and already largely written and ready to go (e.g. EA Wyll) only to be told that I needed go back and entirely rewrite that character, I would lose a lot of love for that character. If I were then told I needed to go back again, and hastily re-write that character's main Arc so it could fit into a different area of the story, I'd be fucking livid (e.g. cutting the Upper City). This doesn't excuse Wyll's writer, but it does explain.

All I'm saying is, if you're going to blame Wyll's writer, blame them for the thing they actually had control over: Wyll's writing!

And guys, c'mon, at least act better than crabs in a bucket. Stop saying that Character X's content should be cut because it's unfair that Wyll got so little. Stop attacking fans of other characters. Dragging other people down isn't going to help any of us get out of this bucket.

Astarion’s Story: A Closure

Going through the finale of Astarion’s personal quest wasn’t exactly easy for me. I got overwhelmed by a vast array of difficult emotions – the oppressive atmosphere of the lavish halls of Cazador’s palace was obvious to me from the very moment my party stepped in. Talking with Godey, Astarion’s various commentary, seeing Victoria’s body, confronting the victims – it’s one thing to know what the pale elf’s past was like, it’s another to stand face to face with the reality of it.

But that’s not what this post is going to be about. After I sorted through all of this, I decided to write down the most important thing: what brought me a sense of closure after finishing the quest. 

(For the record, this was my first playthrough and I went the spawn route.)

In the end, Astarion’s story arc proved deeply rewarding to me. Almost every sentence he says afterwards is perfectly quotable – as evidenced by how many people repost their favourite words as screenshots, gifs or captions to artwork. The dialogues, the cemetery cutscene – all are immensely powerful. And still, it was something else that drew my attention.

What brought me real closure was watching Astarion himself. The way he changed. It’s subtle, and yet immediately evident: his features are somehow smoother, his tone of voice lighter. He smiles a lot in a much more genuine way and talks so animatedly (even though he’s always been very expressive). There’s something… softer about him. I don’t want to sound cheesy, but I’ll risk it: he’s radiant. Like he had become a tiny ray of sunshine himself.

I stared at the screen and was tempted to tease: who are you and what have you done to Astarion?

The change in his demeanor made me acutely aware of just how heavy was the burden he carried through Acts I and II, and the start of Act III. Again, I knew it in theory. And again, it’s one thing to know, and another to see it with your own eyes: the contrast between Astarion at the beginning of the journey and near the end of it. The burden is no more. He’s free. And very much alive.

All of this made me briefly forget I haven’t actually finished the game yet. There’s still more to do: more quests to complete, a Netherbrain to tackle. And yet, for a moment it felt like I have finished it. But that's the power of well-written stories – sometimes saving the world comes second to making a cherished companion happy.