Feeling Lots Of Feelings This Morning. Been Running As Fast As Possible Away From Them Through Stupid

had a dream where i texted michael and we just fought and fought lmfao. would happen if i reach out again fr

8.21.23 - Second First Day (excerpt) I wonder how life would be different if he was just a little nicer when I was a kid. I tend to think about this a lot. I wonder how he can even bear looking at me, how he does not realize the extent of his damage- how he ruined a everything for me. I wonder a lot of things about him, fully knowing that I will never get any answers.

feeling v sub-human as of late. i’m not that scary to talk to i don’t think?? i know i have a disorder. i know i’m like a pitbull and everyone seems to think i eat toddlers. but i genuinely just want to talk to humans n have real friends for once,

like i love poetry, and folk & indie music, and playing ukulele. i love my gods and i read tarot sometimes and collect cool rocks. i have the cutest cats and want people to send pictures of them to. my favorite color is a muted tone of forest green.

i’m a pitbull, but i think i am a little human sometimes too. i promise the genes don’t make me a completely bad dog. someone just take a chance on me, im begging,

i also miss this girl who i loved with my absolute everything i had in me but i can’t ever write about her, the loss is too much, the gap between us feels too big,, i don’t know where to start with her- i never did. but Gods above that doesn’t mean that i don’t miss her often. i tried reaching out first but idk, don’t have the confidence to try again. i got angry with her recently due to my idiot boyfriend not explaining a situation well, and i always having a worse bark than my bite.

she was more than all the moons and stars in the universe, how could i ever not miss her? my absolute other half, twin flame, soulmate, my person.

there’s a lot of things that i wish people saw about me but don’t. i wish people saw past my few episodes where i succumb to my symptoms. i wish people saw just how much i want to be good, to not be the way i feel i was cursed to be. i wish people saw that i pray for random people on tiktok going through hard things, and bawl my eyes out every time something sad hits my fyp. i wish people saw that i love stories and storytelling to get me through all that i’ve gone through. i wish people saw me as kind and caring and gentle and beautiful. i wish people saw how hard i try, in all aspects of my life. i wish people saw me in any way other than this horrible, mentally ill, unfeeling monster. i wish i wish i wish.

“‘She loves me like a dog’ but not in the soft, blindly loyal puppy way. She loves like a stray, mangy and flea ridden, hiding in the back of an alleyway or under the porch of the abandoned house next door.

She loves violently and ferally and wildly protective because she knows how it feels to be alone during the winter and she can’t go back to that, she can’t.

She loves with teeth and claws because those are the only body parts that have ever saved her, and she mistakes every hug for a chokehold.

She loves in a way that looks an awful lot like violence and feels an awful lot like desperation.”

-some random guy on my tiktok fyp at 3pm on a sunday

strawberry smoke, watching hockey, reading good books, ice skating, the best dessert i’ve ever had in my entire life- life is so wonderful with him <3

i wish the gods could fix me. i hate being this way.

call me crazy but i think nightly hypnotherapy might actually be helping?? like i notice i just wake up sm more pleasant when i do it vs when i don’t?? do i actually go find a real hypnotherapist now??

oh my god and don’t even get me started on this OTHER girl who was my other soulmate on earth. from halloweens, to fake dating, and ice skating lessons after sleepy breakfasts.

i miss her, i hate that i threw up distance because she was leaving me and i hated her for it. i wish we could have had more time together, i wish distance didn’t force us apart.