I Don’t Go Anywhere And I Don’t Do Anything And I Don’t Have Close Friends I Can Trust With My

I want to go to sleep today. Why? Because I want to dream.

While the plot of Barbie Princess Charm School (2011) is often criticized on the seemingly ridiculous method of assigning the scholarship via lottery, this in actuality works as a larger allegory for the world of higher academia: Madame Privet states that only 27% of the “lottery girls” graduate, and Blair, who comes from a lower class background, suffers, in addition to social ostracization on account of her socio-economic background, a learning curve, as she struggles with concepts that the other girls, who were all raised to be princesses, take for granted. We can presume, then, that the other girls who graduated were very likely from socio-economic backgrounds that encouraged them to receive training ahead of time in, for example, etiquette, history, geography, etc., giving them a distinct advantage in the system while disadvantaging girls from lower class backgrounds. The only means for students such as Blair to gain social mobility is via a mentor based system, in which a teacher, such as Madame Privet, personally oversees their education. While the scholarship maintains the illusion of equality, therefore, there is no equity in the system. We might compare this to the modern American academic system, which overwhelmingly claims to be merit-based while also overwhelmingly privileging students who can, for example, pay for extensive testing or an expensive undergraduate or MA degree. Furthermore, the emphasis on letters of recommendation puts an overwhelming pressure on students to maintain a good relationship with their supervisors which can in fact hide abusive power dynamics. In this essay I will….

It's been a year since last year.

I am doing this because I can

nice

I JUST REMEMBERED THAT MY COWORKER PAT MY HEAD TODAY AND IT WAS THE CUTEST THING EVER

I have never had my head pat before, but I always found the idea endearing, and then she pat my head as she passed by and I just kind of froze and didn’t know what to do and just spluttered for a few seconds because it felt so nice and then she DID IT AGAIN and I thanked her. I sincerely hope I did not weird her out.

I cried today at work.

There was a girl who was kind of a new coworker, and I complimented her voice. She was shocked, and thanked me profusely, and told me that she is very insecure about her voice and that it meant a lot to her that I liked it. She said that just yesterday she had been feeling down because of how much she disliked it.

I didn’t cry a lot, but my eyes got watery and a few tears leaked out. I was devastated that she didn’t like her own voice, because I adored it so much and it hurt that she didn’t see the beauty in it. But mostly I cried because of how sincerely she thanked me, and it felt so good to be able to lift her spirits at least a little bit. As I walked away and continued my work, it dawned on me for the first time in my life that perhaps I really am useful, and that I am a good person.

If all I have accomplished by the end of my life is complimenting her, then her reaction alone makes my life worth it.

Me, pulling my weighted blanket back onto the bed because it had fallen off halfway through the night and suddenly feeling like an AD 30 fisherman who is not able to draw the net because Jesus filled the right side of the ship with a multitude of fishes

Another evidence to add to my list of evidences that I am, in fact, aro:

When I was younger, I thought I had a crush on a guy in my school, and one day he saw me sitting with another guy at lunch. Before our next class started, he came up to ask who the other guy was. I had wondered if he was feeling jealous, but I just said, “Oh that was my friend. Why do you ask?”

“It’s just that big brother instinct kicking in.”

And I was like “oh Okay” and it was the most hilarious thing to me that I had just gotten family-zoned. I was laughing about it all afternoon, but when I told my friends, they were all “oh no I’m so sorry!” and I was like it literally doesn’t matter?? why are you pitying me??????

When will I get to be the sexy villain that lounges on an ornate throne, smirking evilly in a way that makes the protagonist’s mouth go dry as they start to question what they’re willing to risk for a single touch, and at the end I leave my empire to be with the protagonist but I never leave my evil ways behind and they still accept me for it because I want to live in that world

I wish people would love each other. I wish so completely that people would be kind and lovely and nice. Sometimes I wonder if people can be good.

I think, if I simply grew up with a good mother, I would be able to believe in the inherent beautiful humanity of people. For now, I have to be wary of even my reflection.