You Break My Heart   Not Because You Don’t Love Me  But Because You Don’t Love Yourself

The darkness in my head thick viscid pulling me under

I once thought you had come to banish the darkness It turns out you only came to snuff out my remaining light

I pray one day you will drunk text me So you can finally find the freedom to express all those things you’ve locked up deep down

Please don't remember me fondly

Remember me as the one who held your heart so softly, the one who loved you without restraint even when your love for me was a tangled mess which took years to unravel

Remember my patience and devotion as I sat at your feet, then how you crushed them under your heel

Remember me with pangs of guilt and regret when you think on your habit of assuring me I was safe with you then abandoning me once again

Don't remember me fondly, remember you killed me

When you avoid your feelings, you bury your passion

What is life without passion?

Some Days

Some days I love myself.  Overjoyed to help others feel useful A treasure whose bliss is creating bliss Worthy. Loveable. Hopeful.

Other days I hate myself. Overwhelmed with feeling useless A burden and toxic to everything I touch Unworthy. Unloveable. Hopeless.

Some days I wonder if I will ever get back to some days.

How can you let doubt lead you the way you do?

How can a man so spectacular in so many ways feel so inadequate?

I know my attempts to enlighten you to your own greatness fall on deaf ears

I know you believe I see you through love’s eye so my view is skewed You forget that I haven’t always loved you, But I have always thought you a great man

You’ve broken my heart into a thousand different pieces, in a thousand different ways Each time I wonder if this will be the last It isn’t; Somehow I always manage to forgive you

I want...

I want to rail. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to yell out horrible things about him and make him feel as useless and broken as I do.

I want his arms around me. I want him to stroke my hair and tell me it will be okay. I want to believe it will be okay. I want to be safe. And secure.

But no one hears my wants as they fall directly into the blackness which was once my heart.

Time again to box it all up. Put it away. Pretend I don’t feel. Time to lose myself in mundanity. Hide from passion. Give up on hope.