Real Love Is Not Like The Poetry. It Is Not I Love You Spat Down Each Other’s Throats Or Finding A

People commend my parents by saying that I was “raised right,” when I show hyper-empathy/higher-than-average emotional intelligence in a lot of situations. No. I was emotionally abused, manipulated, silenced, and made to feel selfish my entire life, whenever I took care of myself. I never want anyone else to feel that way. I raised MYSELF, not them. I retaught and am constantly reparenting MYSELF, without their help. They deserve little to no credit on forming the person that I am becoming.

the sad thing is, is that this whole time that I’ve been missing you, I probably haven’t even crossed your mind

that doesn’t make me miss you any less (via bluerainjacket)

“You don’t let go of a bad relationship because you stop caring about them. You let go because you start caring about yourself.”

— Charles Orlando

emotional abuse is when someone does something to hurt you, and when you express your feelings, that you’re upset, they turn it around to be something you did to hurt them and they force you to apologize for it, and your feelings, like always, are rendered invalid and silenced, forever damaging the ability to trust others with your feelings because they always are used against you.

It is likely you will feel the worst of your trauma only after you’re safely away from your abusers. A lot of you need to hear this and be prepared. Even if you didn’t have a strong reaction to trauma while it was going on, even if you felt like you were fine, and even if you can manage your symptoms now, once you’re safe (as in, abusers physically can’t get to you), the absolute worst of trauma will hit you because it will be finally, for the first time in your life, safe to feel it. This can mean exhaustion like you’ve never felt before, because it’s the first time you’re allowed to rest, and you don’t have to expect a sneak attack like you normally would. It can mean more panic attacks, more breakdowns, flashbacks, nightmares, feelings of terror, re-living past, feeling frozen in trauma, paralyzing, shaking, crying, having your entire body hurt and ache, your chest feeling like it’s tearing in pieces. You might experience bursts of rage and feel so irritated and restless you’ll want to jump out of your body. Your fear of the abuser will increase thousandfold and you will feel like you’d rather die than spend one additional second in their presence after what they did to you. It will become completely insane to you that you were able to live in their presence ever before.

This post-trauma effect isn’t irrational or exaggerating, if you feel this it’s because this is how horrible the trauma really was, but your were not able to feel it in the moment for several reasons; one of them is that it was unsafe to feel those things in front of abusers, they have already taught you that you will be punished for displaying trauma symptoms in front of them. To be additionally hurt in the middle of such pain would be unsurvivable. The other is that it would have killed you to feel all that as a kid. Keeping all that repressed to feel later is your body’s strategy of survival, you can only feel it now because you’re still alive in order to do it.

What you’re going thru is extreme and something nobody on the earth should be put thru. No matter what you do, do not blame yourself for your symptoms, because it’s impossible for you to cause this to yourself. Know that whoever caused this to you did it on purpose, and is absolutely evil for it. You did not deserve this. Go easy on yourself and allow yourself more comfort, more rest, more ease than ever, you do not need any additional stress, grief or self hatred in this time of your life. It is awful, and extreme, but it will get better. It wouldn’t be happening if your body didn’t estimate that you can survive it. It will come in waves, so don’t despair if you get a little better and then worse, it’s designed to allow your body a little rest before the next wave hits it, again in order to be survivable. Trust your body to know what to do, because it already pulled you thru so much trauma alive. And do not trust anyone who doesn’t think you should be safe from people who have done this to you. And do not trust anyone who doesn’t think you should be safe from people who have done this to you.

The only reason I can find not to love you is the fact that you don’t love me. And that still doesn’t make it any goddamn easier. It still doesn’t make me any goddamn stronger.

Poetry At Most

“I want laughter at 4am and sloppy kisses between dinner dates and hands fumbling underneath the blanket because god knows there is never a minute i can go without touching you and i want silly jokes and awkward handshakes and quiet “i love you’s” over the phone and dancing a lot of dancing i want to dance with you in an aisle at the supermarket as we both try to come up with which taco shells are betterand i want to dance with you on the night we both say i do i want to hold your hand in front of my friends and kiss your cheek when my mother asks me why i am so god damn happy all the time and i want you now,and for as long as forever with you can take me.”

— A.M// i want you always,