The Only Reason I Can Find Not To Love You Is The Fact That You Don’t Love Me. And That Still Doesn’t

I want you to understand how chaotic, loud and inhuman my brain is,

But my darling, I wouldn't want to make you feel so insane.

i don’t know why i drink vodka. i dont particularly like how it tastes or the smell it leaves behind or how it burns in my throat. but i like that it makes me feel lost in time and imagination. i like how after four shots, i can imagine you holding my hand ten years later and imagine us buying an apartment together somewhere with a garden and growing old together so i can make fun of you when you have belly fat and wrinkles. i like how after four shots, i can forget how time binds our relationship and how after another ten months you’ll get bored of me and my silly jokes and move on to someone better. i can forget about the other girls whose lips are bound in time to kiss yours and i can continuously imagine how you always find your way back to me despite it all. i dont know why i drink vodka but it definately has something to do with you, my love.

vodka//nikitaguptaa

love is not rational and it isn’t supposed to be. it’s okay to fall in love with the boy everyone wants. it’s okay to fall in love with the boy who lives on the other side of the world. it’s okay to miss someone you just met. it’s okay to fall in love fast. because love is not rational. love is hearing their voice for the first time and knowing that you want to hear it say i love you every night before bed for the rest of your life. love is thinking of them every second you aren’t speaking. love isn’t supposed to make sense. it’s supposed to make you do things you never thought you would. it’s supposed to be a whirlwind, a hurricane, that’s what makes it so amazing.

4am

Can parents stop acting like providing a child’s basic needs is something to be earned? So many kids grow up traumatised because they were made to feel guilty about the existence they never asked for

Loving someone with abandonment issues isn’t easy. Being in a relationship with someone who has abandonment issues isn’t easy. Be prepared for a lil confusion and heart break. Be prepared to put in hard work, have understanding and patience.

Relationships to people with abandonment issues commonly result these three ways:

- person with abandonment issues will either runaway/cut people off just as they start becoming attracted/attached to someone

- person with abandonment issues becomes too attached too quickly to people

- person with abandonment issues sabotages relationships even when it seems to be going well 

It’s common for people with abandonment issues to live in constant excruciating fear and anxiety about being with someone or not being with some (sometimes it can be both at the same time).

The core reason people with abandonment issues behave the way they do is an intense fear of rejection (which can be caused by multiple situations the person endured). 

***a lot of these behaviours are done through subconscious train of thought, it can be difficult to recognise you actually fear abandonment.***

We look at people who leave relationships like they’re monsters like how could you just decide you don’t want someone anymore when they treat you well and maybe they gave up a job for you or moved, whatever. But really we’re allowed at any time to decide ‘I don’t want to do this anymore’ no matter what someone has done for us. Why should I have to stay unhappy just because you treat me well? And okay, maybe I have no reason to be unhappy in the first place if you treat me so well, but that’s a separate issue. Because what it comes down to is it doesn’t matter why I feel this way, just that I do. And that’s allowed. And it doesn’t matter how great you are or what you’re willing to do for me because sometimes it’s just not going to be the right path for me no matter how smooth you pave it.

“It’s like when you read a novel and you’re so captivated by it that you don’t even realize you’re approaching the end of it until there are no more pages to turn. You’re left with this dreadful emptiness and aren’t quite sure what to do with yourself because while the book is finished, the story is living on inside of you.”

— This is what breaking up feels like - Jess Amelia 

Important reminders: 

You don’t have to make amends with people who hurt you or abused you.

You don’t have to forgive them.

You don’t owe them an apology.

You don’t have to forget what they did.

You don’t have to have a relationship with them in any capacity!

You’re allowed to grieve and be angry and yell and question things.

You’re allowed to grow and heal without them.

You don’t have to seek “closure” from them. Closure can come in many different forms and ways that don’t require that person or people.

You don’t owe your abuser(s) anything. Not your money, not your time, not your energy, not your love, not your forgiveness, not your blessing. Nothing. You owe them nothing.

tfw your mom tells about how her mom fucked her up and you’re like lol same

“Nothing is harder than trying to find a reasonable answer to why my grades are falling. Nothing has been harder to me than trying to find a way to explain why I have no motivation. Don’t talk to me about challenging until you can sit in your room with everything you need to succeed but not feel the motivation to do any of it. I feel nothing and I don’t know how to stop it. Nothing has been harder for me than trying to force myself to care. I don’t know how to be what you want. I’m just trying to get through one day at a time. I can’t just change how I feel. I can’t just make it go away. It’s always going to be there. So I’m sorry I’m not succeeding. I’m sorry I’m not good enough. But you know what? I don’t think i ever will be. Because what you want is someone without scars and without pain. You want a daughter who doesn’t struggle and just does the right thing. That’s not me. I can’t just be perfect. I’m fighting this battle everyday to not put a blade to my skin, to not crash the car, to keep on living. But it’s not getting better and I dont know how to tell you in a way that you will understand”

— A second letter to my mom for the reasons why