Gaps In Memory.

PSA

telling your neurodivergent/mentally ill kid:

“you can’t do anything right without your meds”

“you’ll never amount to anything without your meds”

“i like you better on your meds”

“you’re stupid without your meds”

“you embarass me off your meds”

“you’re too embarassing to be seen in public without your meds"

“no one could ever want to be your friend without your meds”

“the meds must be working because you accomplished something”

“the meds are working because you’re quieter”

is EXACTLY THE SAME as telling them:

“you can’t do anything right”

“you’ll never amount to anything”

“i don’t like you”

“you’re stupid”

“i’m ashamed of you”

“you’re too embarrassing to be in public, i’m embarassed to be seen with you”

“no one could ever want to be your friend”

“you didn’t earn your accomplishments”

and “i wish you didn’t exist, so at least be quiet so i can pretend you don’t"

PASS IT ON

(this is not directed at anyone who chooses to take medication, this is about parents/siblings/ect. who talk to ppl this way)

when hayao miyazaki said that true love was two people inspiring each other to live…recognizing just how hard living is, putting one foot in front of the other every day, how easy it is to lose our passion for it…… that’s the real shit

It’s my fault I’m traumatized? Do you realize just how much work goes into traumatizing a person to this level? Can you imagine how much lies and gaslighting it took for me to start doubting my memory and start asking myself if I was insane? Do you understand what amount of violence it took to make me flinch at every movement, expecting a blow? Do you get how many insults and screaming it took to make me believe that everything was my fault, that I was less than a human being, irredeemable and worthless to the core? Do you understand how much humiliation, hatred and threats it takes to make someone this terrified and isolated? This was years and years of hard work! I could never take the credit, for once I lack the dedication, I would yell at myself maybe once and then go “meh lets leave it at that”. I would never have the energy to do this to myself! All the credit goes to my parents, they fought tirelessly to make me this exhausted, terrified, panicked mess overridden with grief and rage, they really put in the effort, and made it all possible.

“you fall in love too quickly and with the wrong people”

—

“i feel like i talk about you so much to my friends that they’re slowly getting sick of me with having your name coming out of my mouth all the time.”

— perhaps.

“I don’t know where stand with you. And I don’t know what I mean to you. All I know is every time I think of you, I want to be with you.”

—

Okay controversy will come from this, but don’t tell your kids that they are eating too much unless they have to restrict their intake for some medical reason.

A kid will go back to refil their dinner plate and I’ll hear parents say “don’t you think that’s enough dinner for tonight?” Or “you shouldn’t eat that much food.”

Telling your kid that they’ve had too much food, or they shouldn’t eat that much can contribute to an eating disorder later in life.

Kids don’t go to refill their plates for fun, they do it because they are still hungry. They’re growing people! They need lots of food!

You have to understand that when I’m attached to you, it is not the same as you saying that you like someone. Being attached means that I need you. Being attached means that I think about you, way more often that I should. Being attached means that I look at the clock and immediately thinking what you could be doing. Being attached means that I’m doing something and wishing you were with me. Being attached means that I’m doing something and I’m thinking of your reaction if you were  with me. Being attached means that I care. I genuinely care about you. Being attached means that I overthink of our conversations. Being attached means that I’m constantly worried if you are okay. Being attached means that I want you to be proud of me

Being attached sets me up for disaster. Being attached means that I’m constantly anxious. Being attached means that I want to talk to you constantly Being attached means that I need your undivided attention. Being attached means that I become needy and clingy and possibly annoying. Being attached means that I’m calculating the days and hours till i next see you. Being attached means that I burst into tears the minute I leave. Being attached means that I CAN’T BREATHE. Being attached means that I-AM-SCARED.

I am scared that i’m boring and not good enough. I am scared that you will find me uninteresting I am scared that you will forget me the hours that we don’t talk or see each other. I am scared that I will unintentionally say something that will offend you. I am scared that you will leave, like everyone else. And instead of waiting for you to walk out of my life, for whatever reason, I prefer to leave first. Whatever that takes. Even if this means that I should take my life just so I won’t see you or hear your voice again. Just so you won’t hurt me or cause me pain and suffering when you leave.

*Being attached (or having a favorite person, fp.) doesn’t means that you are in love with the person or you are attracted sexually to them. The person could be anyone, even a stranger.

“I’m trying really hard to be this person that has her shit together, that has some form of fucking control over anything that has to do with my life. I’m trying really hard not to be so god damn fucking angry at everything. At the world, at myself, at people in my life. I’m trying to mask it all with some point or validation or giving it a mean by saying “this has to happen for a reason. It had to.” But maybe that’s just it, that’s what’s driving me crazy. Maybe there is no reason why bad things happen or good things happen. Maybe there is no reason and it’s just that, a thing that happened. It’s just the universe being cruel and the universe giving you a break once in a while because if we’re being honest there is ALWAYS something. There will always be a time in your life where it feels like bricks are sitting on your chest and there will always be a time after the bricks when the light peaks through one small crack and you have that moment where you don’t feel like you’re drowning and you think “This is it, this is where things get better. This is where I get better.” And it’s true you do get better. You get better every time, but there will never not be a time when there isn’t bricks sitting on your chest and that is what is so goddamn heartbreaking to me. We are born and we suffer and we live and we are happy and sad and everything in between and then we just die. Our bodies go into the ground or get spread out somewhere that was once meaningful to you if your family or friends know you, if you’re lucky. If you’re lucky you might also find love. I’m trying, I’m really trying to find the goddamn crack in the pile of bricks but fuck. What’s the point? What is the god damn point.”

— Wednesday, March 25th, 2020 11:33 pm