“I Can’t Make Them Love Me. Nobody Can Force Love. It Just Can’t Be Helped If They Don’t Love

Me: I really miss my FP

BPD: your FP hates you.

Me: what? no, that's not true

BPD: you miss them. you keep texting, begging for validation, which they provide. you aren't satisfied, you text again. you text some more. you apologize. you're overbearing, annoying. you ask if you're being annoying, which is, in itself, annoying. they hate you.

Me: holy shit you're right im so sorry

BPD: don't apologize that's manipulative

Im still hoping its you and me in the end.

(via little-random-thoughts)

“Don’t use your mental illness as an excuse” means “Change your behavior, apologize, and do better next time.” 

“Don’t use your mental illness as an excuse” DOES NOT mean “Your symptoms are your fault, your disorder is not even an explanation, and you are a bad person if you behave less than neurotypical”

Abusive parents will sometimes straight up accuse you of abusing them. Suddenly, you not being ‘nice enough’ is abuse, or you yelling back at them, or calling them out, or refusing to see and talk to them, or being angry and upset at the shit they do to you.  Your every reaction or feeling that they don’t like can be called abuse, they will shamelessly play at your guilt and convince you that you, in fact, have the power to abuse them, and are doing so every second you’re not doing and feeling exactly as you’re told.

This is nonsense, because between parent and a child, parent holds all the power. Parent decided weather the kid eats and sleeps that night, they decide what the child can own and what resources they can have, parent decides where the child lives and in what conditions, weather the child is loved or exposed to pain and abuse constantly, they can take away anything from the kid and often give themselves rights to order the kid around, just what power does the kid have? To mildly annoy the parent. While risking being abused and yelled at. Some kids might risk publicly embarrassing parents but even that only in situations where they wouldn’t be tortured for it back at home. Children don’t have absolutely anything except their ability to react, to feel pain, to be angry at injustice, to listen to instincts when they suggest that the parent is harmful and not to be trusted.

Refusing to talk to your parent is not abuse. Wanting to keep distance, yelling at them for disrespecting and hurting you, is not abuse. Calling them out, not liking or loving them, refusing to do as you’re told, having your own feelings and reactions that parents don’t like, is not abuse. It’s being a human being, and naturally struggling with the fact that your family member, who is responsible for you, who can decide everything in your life, doesn’t love or care for you. It’s devastating and if you deal with that by yelling and wanting them out of your sight, you have the right to that much. You have the right to more.

You’d only be able to abuse your parent in a situation where you own their place, all of their stuff, have control over their finances, can kick them out on the street or control their living situation, and you’re physically stronger than them and don’t care how much you hurt them. The exact opposite of that is true, for the vast majority of children, and even adults. Only abusive parents ever accuse their children of abusing them. Any normal, decent parent would never try to pass such utter nonsense to make you feel as if you’re doing to them what they’re doing to you, to make you feel guilty and confused and more easily controlled by them. You’re guilty of nothing.

“It was the way you held my hand; how you could make such a simple gesture so intimate, so special.It were the times you looked into my eyes and let my heart sway in the lingering, low hum of your breath finding the familiar comfort in mine. It was the way your words soothed any hurricane or storm brewing within me; I never could figure how the gentle tone of your voice could comfort me any more than your fingers caressing my skin in the darkest of nights. And then, slowly, holding hands became just… holding hands. The complete element of intimacy was former, as it had wandered away from even the slightest touch, and then I realized I was only sharing mere, physical contact with a stranger once again. You looked into my eyes only to see the reflection of your own, claiming that ‘There aren’t any more fireworks.“ You decided gazing into the same eyes every day was simple and you longed for something new; but on the other hand, I had learned something new every time I even glanced into yours. Someday I hope you realize that the fireworks only cease until you light some more. … And then came the day when your voice sounded like any other voice; the day I heard ‘Hello, beautiful’ and my heart sank as each letter stayed sitting on the edge of your tongue, unwilling to fully leave your lips because it no longer felt, in its entirety, at home with me. At the end of it all, I still wonder how you managed to make every intimate thing we had feel simple again.”

— E.G. Falling out of love

“I’m a mess. That don’t rhyme with shit it’s just true.”

— Childish Gambino // L.E.S

Dating when you’re borderline is like going through 8 breakups in one day and the other person doesn’t even know

When I was training to be a battered women’s advocate, my supervisor said something that really blew my mind:

“You can always assume one thing about your clients; and that is that they are doing their best. Always assume everyone is doing their best. And if they’re having a day where their best just isn’t that great, or their best doesn’t look like your best, you have to be okay with that.”

Any now whenever anyone in my life, either a friend or a client, frustrates me, disappoints me, or pisses me off, I just tell myself They are doing their best. Their best isn’t that great today, but I have days where my best isn’t that great either. 

symptoms of trauma are proof of abuse. if you’re struggling with anxiety, self doubt, self hate, low confidence, trauma symptoms, flashbacks, nightmares, paranoia, panic and severe emotional injuries, those are proof enough that you’ve been subjected to torture. your feelings aren’t fooling you, they’re consequences of abuse.

We were young when we fell in love, I didn’t know how to love you the way you should of been, I was a storm and it destroyed you in the process, and I’m very sorry that I did. The years went by and you’re still on my mind, me that used to be a storm subsided, and I wish now I could give you the love you deserve.