I Know The Reason Why You Left…I Just Don’t Know Her Name.

“I’ve come to the realization that our relationship failed not because I didn’t love you, but because I didn’t love myself.”

— m.g.

i.

The light in your eyes is not the street lamp that will guide me home. All of my friends tell me I make decisions too quickly for my own good, leave people too soon, but I’ve always believed love isn’t a sensation you can think through. You only feel it or you don’t. It’s either there or it’s not, it either exists like a fire in the darkest night your eyes have ever seen or never alighted at all. I’ve tried to run from that truth, I’ve tried to bury myself in arms that felt more like coffins than they did bedsheets. I tried to suffocate so you can breathe, I tried to drown myself because the you wanted me to become a part of your ocean so badly and I could never tell you “no”. I tried. And I tried. And I tried. But everything inside of me yearns for something more. Maybe there is so much darkness inside of me that I crave for the brightest of fires, something that will tear the fabric of my soul apart, but deep down I know you never managed as more than a flicker within me— not because you weren’t enough, but because you believed loving me was a habit instead of a revolution.

ii.

I am so much more than a “good morning” text or compliments I could find on Instagram posts. I am so much more than what you thought I needed to remain comfortable. Fuck, love is so much more than remaining comfortable. To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what love is supposed to feel like, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like being trapped. Deep down, I know I am meant for something greater than affection that reeks of routine and the fear that I’ll never find anything better. Love isn’t supposed to be a chore. Love isn’t supposed to feel like passing the time. Love isn’t supposed to be mediocre. Life is too short, too full, too beautiful to be populated by regular love and lovers who cannot understand that affection is more of a revolution than an emotion. I am sorry if I am asking for too much, but I would kill myself before I allow the fires that reside within me to slowly dim in light of an affection that never burned bright enough. I’m sorry women like me don’t come with warning signs, but I pray someday someone will fall in love with me due to the flames alone.

— ap (12.18) loving me was a revolution but you never learned how to handle fire

“I think our souls tried reconnecting last night in a dream I hope we both dreamed.”

— dream walking | Patreon | Instagram 

Sometimes I need everyone around me to validate that what I went through was in fact traumatic because I might feel like it wasn’t bad enough to still be so affected by it.

And that’s really fucked up.

“How to tell if somebody is genuinely interested in you: If you removed all of your effort from the equation would any communication remain between you? If not, there is nothing there and you deserve better.”

— Beau Taplin

Friend break up...

Friend break ups are worse than breaking up with someone that you were in a relationship with. This break up was like you are all ok one day and then there becomes this tension between the 2 of you, and then the other party just stops talking and becomes savage towards you. And so they eventually stop talking and it just kind of takes that part of your heart and makes it like it never existed in the first place. You know exactly why you ache, but also know that there will be no way of getting that piece of your heart back. Those are the worst kind of break ups.

Another night on my own, and you’d think after 6 years I’d be used to sleeping alone, but when I lay down my head, this house still feels like an empty home.

Poetry At Most

Growing up I was constantly invalidated/told I was wrong or bad/in trouble for the smallest things.

As a result I’m constantly apologising and afraid I’ve done something wrong.

I think the most surreal thing I’ve ever experienced is my abuser actually becoming pretty normal. It’s the weirdest thing.

On one hand, you’re happy that they won’t hurt people. You’re happy that they’ve learnt to manage their emotions. You’re happy that some of the fear of seeing them is lifted off your shoulders. But at the same time, you are so angry. You are traumatized already. It’s just more proof they they can move on while you’re stuck here. The have DESTROYED you, and now you don’t even have someone to be mad at. Or at least you’ll always feel a little guilty that you resent them. They might not yell at you, or call you fat, stupid, worthless, manipulate you, threaten you… but everyday they’re hurting you. And they always will be.

But they get to be recover. They get to be forgiven -And they genuinely have changed… maybe they’re even sorry for how they treated you. But they can form normal relationships. They can cope. They can move on.

But it’s so much harder for you.