“I Think Our Souls Tried Reconnecting Last Night In A Dream I Hope We Both Dreamed.”

You know what’s the worst thing about abuse?

You think everyone is gonna hurt you like your abuser.

Everyone is gonna hit you like your abuser.

Everyone is gonna belittle you like your abuser.

Everyone thinks you’re a burden like your abuser.

Everyone is gonna yell at you like your abuser.

And that’s why you still flinch when someone raises their hand.

Overthink when someone doesn’t reply to you.

Panic when someone’s voice tone changes.

You see your abuser is everyone’s eyes.

They’re not your family.

If they abuse you they’re not your family.

If they neglect your needs they’re not your family.

If they make you feel worthless they’re not your family.

If they hit you they’re not your family.

If they don’t show you love, care and affection they’re not your family.

If they hurt you in anyway they’re not your family.

Don’t let anyone tell you “but they’re your family!”

You have the right to be angry and cut them off, to hate them and to never forgive them. You have the right to fight them. You have the right to defend yourself.

You aren’t obligated to love someone you never chose to be a part of your life.

“I’m not in a good place, I haven’t been in awhile, I surround myself with people because for a small moment I’m okay. However, as soon as they are gone, the voices come back to play. I use to drive home from town wishing I don’t make it. Now everyone seems to tell me to drive safe, to get home, to text them when I get home. Now I have to, I have to get home, I have to be able to text them, I can’t let them down, I can’t disappoint them, I can’t be selfish. So I get home, I sit in my room, letting the demons tell me I'm worthless. I know you want me home, I know you want me safe, I know you want me here the next day, but these voices are making it harder to keep my promises. They are making it harder to stay alive.”

— p.s.w // excerpt from a book i’ll never write #275

“Your trauma is valid. Even if other people have experienced “worse”. Even if someone else who went through the same experience doesn’t feel debilitated by it. Even if it “could have been avoided”. Even if it happened a long time ago. Even if no one knows. Your trauma is real and valid and you deserve a space to talk about it. It isn’t desperate or pathetic or attention-seeking. It’s self-care. It’s inconceivably brave. And regardless of the magnitude of your struggle, you’re allowed to take care of yourself by processing and unloading some of the pain you carry. Your pain matters. Your experience matters. And your healing matters. Nothing and no one can take that away.”

— Daniell Koepke

eating isn’t shameful. you aren’t ugly just because you’ve gained weight. calories are necessary. treating yourself is okay. please take care of yourself. your body loves you and depends on you to help it function properly.

Crushing Mistake

I liked you 

That was my first mistake

I let you come over

That was my second

I let you kiss me

That was my third

My biggest mistake

Was allowing you to make me feel insane

Was letting you make my self-worth waiver 

Was letting you make me question if I was worthy 

You are not the one for me

Because

I tried so hard to make it work 

I had to question what  you told me 

Because

Your actions always shouted the exact opposite

Im still hoping its you and me in the end.

(via little-random-thoughts)

Am I being sexually groomed? Checklist

Bold the items that happened to you, italicize if you’re unsure. This checklist covers sexual grooming only, it is usually done on top of regular grooming, for which you can find checklist here. You can be sexually groomed by your family and relatives, by your peers and people your own age, even if you’re both children. It can also be done by strangers. Trigger warning for mentions of sexual abuse. This checklist covers child grooming, but all other categories can apply to adults as well.

Illusion of pure intentions

This person goes far out of their way to not judge me and seems to approve of everything I do and think, making me feel very comfortable to tell them private things about me

This person got me to confide my sexual trauma in them, and they seem like someone who understands and wouldn’t use it against me

I initially felt this person migh have sexual intentions with me but they reassured me they only wanted to be friends/have a professional relationship with me

This person shows curiosity in my sexuality and my sexual thoughts and habits

This person often turns the conversation sexual, even when it wasn’t in the start

This person keeps finding a way to talk to me in private, even when it feels inappropriate

This person claims they only want to be intimate with me because of how much they love me

This person convinces me sexual conversations or sexual touch holds deep emotional meaning for them and they’re only asking for it out of care and desire for me

This person talks very passionately about sex-related concepts and ideas, it’s obvious from the way they talk they’re very excited about it and it would make them happy if I participated in it with them

This person equates me with a fantasy of the perfect sexual partner they want, and they want me to play the part for them

This person compares me to their ideal sexual partners in media (fictional characters, anime characters, book characters) and call me their names to convince me to play the part

My instincts are telling me this person’s behaviour is off, and the way they look at me makes me feel unsafe

 Exploitation of children’s inexperience

This person insists on me watching sexually themed media (lolicon-type anime, sexually themed movies or cartoons, soft or explicit pornography, fetish games, bdsm content, ddlg content, no matter how soft)

This person convinced me that children can consent to sex, and that it’s okay and acceptable to indulge them in it

This person seems to want to teach me about how sex works and touches me to demonstrate it

This person ensures me that them touching me sexually is okay because they’re only trying to teach me

This person doesn’t think child marriages, practices of sexual slavery of children or pedophilia are wrong, and convinces me that these are just misconceptions, where in other areas of the world this is acceptable and normal

This person loves pointing out to me how horribly and brutally other children are tortured and raped, compares it with how they treat me, expecting me to be grateful

This person comments and sexualizes my body, even when I’m underage

This person praises my maturity and claim they’re drawn to me for my intelligence

This person sees me as an equal adult, capable of indulging and consenting to sexual activities even when I’m underage

This person insists on watching me doing my private activities, like showering, changing clothes, masturbating, and says that it’s normal, or that I’m being unreasonable and withholding if I prefer privacy

This person convinces me that if I don’t want to be seen naked, or have sexual contact with them, it’s because I’m shy, or ashamed of my own body, and they encourage me to stop being like that

This person says it’s okay to touch me just because it’s them, it would be wrong for someone else to do it

This person made it seem like being sexually abused was something completely normal, something I wouldn’t even think to object or fight against

This person made naked/sexual images of me, or manipulate me into making them

This person started touching me sexually at very young age, I had no idea what was going on

This person made me say that I want to do sexual things, or to have sexual things done to them before they did it, so I feel like responsibility is completely on me

This person claimed sexual things we did were just a game and to not take it seriously, I don’t feel like I have the right to be traumatized since I didn’t feel hurt or resist at the moment it was happening

This person had me used to the idea of people being sexually touched as a joke or a game, long before they started doing it, so I wasn’t able to figure out it’s abuse or defend myself 

This person explained to me that all of my friends/peers are also doing the same kind of sexual things, and told me I would be the only “coward” who didn’t do it

This person convinced me that everyone else my age who had this done to them had good reactions and loved it, and I was stupid for not wanting to do it

This person had me used to the idea of people being sexually touched as a joke or a game, long before they started doing it, so I wasn’t able to figure out it’s abuse or defend myself 

Minimizing/denying the abuse

This person continually tries to convince me that acts that feel sexual to me are not sexual (they reduce the meaning of sexual touch to “massage” even if it involves sexual areas)

If I try resist the sexual touching, this person minimizes it and says it’s not a big deal, only playing/tickling/petting, even if they’re touching places I feel uncomfortable being touched, or my private areas

If I ever try to call out the sexual abuse, they insists it’s not “rape” or there wasn’t penetration so I have nothing to complain about

This person insists the sexual acts they’re doing to me can’t be abuse because they got me to say it “felt good” at some point and I’m not allowed to change my mind anymore

This person talks as if any victim of sexual abuse is only reacting badly, and abuse itself is just a game or not a big deal

This person equates sexual practices with love, and insists they only do it to me because they love me

Psychological manipulation

This person gives me a lot of approval, praise and adoration if I indulge in sexual behaviour with them, but if I reject it, they immediately turn to insulting or ignoring me, making me feel guilty

This person exposed me to a whole community of people who agree with their sexual ideas and practices, and I will be rejected from it if I try to express it’s wrong or that it makes me feel uncomfortable

This person makes me feel like I’m denying them something they have every right to, if I reject their sexual advances, they call me cruel and manipulative and make me feel awful

This person takes my refusal of sexual acts as “disrespect” and actual offense against them, they feel justified in punishing me for it

This person accuses me of not loving them if I refuse to give them sexual access to my body, or refuse anything sexual they want to do to me

This person will withhold care, attention, resources and support if I try to resist them and want privacy and to not be touched or exposed to sexual material anymore

This person told me in detail about sexual trauma they went thru, and they seem to want me to help them heal by taking control of my sexuality

This person confined their deepest traumas to me, and I feel obliged to give them anything to make life better for them

I feel if I refuse sexual contact with this person, I will become worthless in their eyes

Forceful destruction of privacy and sexual boundaries

This person insists on talking about sexual things, even if I’m embarrassed and uncomfortable

This person insists on continuing sexual conversations even after I let them know I’m not comfortable with it

This person gives me a feeling like they expect me to eventually become sexual with them and I’m not given much of a choice in that

This person uses slurs, degradation, and sex-based insults for anyone they disapprove of

This person starts touching me in non-sexual ways which I don’t resist, but they end up turning into sexual

This person talks to me about sexual practices in detail, and they keep encouraging me to try them, even when I’m obviously reluctant and uncomfortable about it

This person kept wearing me down no matter how many times I said no, until I would get too tired from fighting them and allow them to do what they wanted

This person convinces me to touch them non-sexually, only to push further and make it sexual without my consent

I don’t feel safe physically fighting this person off of me, and even when I try they keep insisting and convincing me to not resist them, and that they’re right in what they want to do to me and I’m being unreasonable

I rely on this person for care/caretaking/necessities but they will only interact with me if I keep indulging in their sexual conversation/contact/participate in watching sexual media

If I resist this person, their behaviour escalates into anger, neglect, hatred, insults, threats, blackmail or violence

If I resist this person, I fear they might get me fired, kicked out of my home or even imprisoned

Sabotage of support or escape

This person made sure I have nobody to tell about the abuse

I think if I told my friends/family about this, they would freak out and claim I’m being sexually abused

This person insists on keeping our sexual encounters secret from anyone else, they’re worried of what people might think if they find out, but they mask it as “our secret”

This person told me if I tell someone, or resist them, they would hurt me, or hurt themselves

This person convinced me that even if I told someone, nobody would believe me

I feel incredibly ashamed and guilty about things I’ve been manipulated to do to this person in the past, I can’t bear someone knowing or humiliating me for it

I feel guilty because some parts of sexual contact felt good for me and I initiated some, I feel like I am at fault for everything that’s happened

I’m scared I’ll be exposed as someone who willingly sought out sexual experiences and will be humiliated and abandoned by the society for it, if someone finds out

I’m scared of what this person might do to me if I tell someone

I’m scared I’ll lose my family/job/friends/safety if someone finds out

I don’t have anyone else I can rely on, so I have to give this person whatever they want of me

Whenever I gather courage to break it off, this person does something crazy or dangerous to stop me

I don’t feel that anyone else could ever want me, all I have is this person, even if they hurt me sometimes I can’t cut them off

I feel dirty and like “damaged goods”, I don’t think anyone will ever want me after what I allowed this person to do to me

I wish none of the sexual encounters ever happened and I feel intense self hatred for not fighting back more, for not resisting more

If you bolded and italicized 5 or more items on the list, you’ve been exposed to sexual grooming. Whoever did this to you had no right, it was wrong and you take no blame in it. Sexual grooming and sexual abuse will leave a heavy mark on your life, and regardless of how far the sexual abuse went, even if it didn’t get to explicit sexual acts, you have been harmed, your sexuality and perception of intimacy have been harmed. These are one of the most serious types of abuse. If you’ve been groomed in this way, it’s likely you’ve experienced other types of abuse and neglect as well, so whoever would, on top of all your suffering decide to abuse you sexually as well, is a monster.

"I wonder how biology can explain the physical pain you feel in your chest when all you want to do is be with someone."

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