I’m Not Into Perfect Gym Butts

We should stop making kids who already struggle fixing themselves think that it is their responsibility to fix their bullies too

While I am all for recovery, and I want everyone to get well - if you can’t get better, or if you never do, it’s okay.

It’s okay if you have a chronic mental illness. It’s okay if your depression rears its head over and over. It’s okay if your trauma reactions don’t go away completely, or if you find yourself struggling over and over with mania.

It’s not okay to glorify this, or wear it like an identity - but many of us aren’t going to get completely well, our brains may just need us to manage them and care for them, warts and all. For some of us, recovery really just means we’ve learned how to manage the flair ups of our conditions, how to manage them in the long term, and sometimes even when to go to the hospital.

And that’s okay. 

I feel like often here it’s “you have to get well and never ever stumble or relapse ever” and that’s, well, usually not how it works. And that’s okay. 

“You will always be fond of me.

I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”

- Oscar Wilde

I still believe we’ll get our second chance…

“I don’t hate you. I’m not mad at you. In fact, I hardly feel anything at all. Some days are better, the days with friends and family when all there is to do is celebrate life in all it’s splendor. But on other days, those quiet, lonely days, the hole in the chamber of my heart where you once lived, feels bigger, deeper, the chill of the winds of the spring rains blows right through it. I’m not saying that I feel incomplete, because even before you came into me I never felt whole, But that place in my heart that you filled is empty now, and all I feel is hollow and cold.”

— more passing thoughts of you (5/17/17), thekaijusleeps

the most horrifying thing to hear as a person who has suffered abuse from their parents, is when people say that you resemble one of them.

i hate looking in the mirror and seeing my dads facial features. so much that i am saving up for plastic surgery, because i can only be beautiful, once people see no resemblance between my abuser and me.

Every time I see you

I think

"This is it

I could never love a person more"

And then you show me these new things

These new ways to love

New things to fall for

New ways to feel.

I don't know how you do it

But you out do yourself

Every damn time.

Anger has an important role in human beings, protection, feeling of being valuable and worthy of protection and justice. If your anger isn’t repressed and pushed back, and someone treats you like shit, your anger immediately jumps up to protect you against bullshit. If everyone around you is treated better than you for no apparent reason (nothing you did to deserve it), your anger again jumps up and demands better for you. If someone hurts you really badly, your anger is here to let them know that nobody can get away with hurting you like that, because you matter enough to be protected from harm.

 Anger can be destructive when used wrong, like controlling someone (who is not currently presenting a threat to you), taking shit out on someone who didn’t deserve it, forcing dominance over someone who can’t fight back, and as a way of avoiding being subjected to the truth/called out for abuse. That’s mostly how abusers use it,  and why a lot of victims see it as nothing but toxic, horrible, dangerous and scary thing, and recognizing anger within themselves can give them feeling of dread and like they’re becoming abusive themselves.

Anger in victims presents a problem for abusers, and a lot of victims experience helplessness and inability to be angry or feel anger, even the thought of it makes them feel dreadful and guilty, that’s because abusers make sure in one way or another, that all of victim’s anger will be punished, until they learn they’re not allowed to be angry. This causes anger to build up, now it’s not only  one time injustice and harm has been done, it’s thousands, tens  of thousands time. This is how rage generates within a person, and any further ridicule, provocation or attack from abusers end up with them feeling infuriated, because it’s been too much for a long, long time. 

Anger being built up can eat a person from inside, and it can manifest in self harm, dissociation, numbness/blankness, depression, anxiety. Directing that anger at other people who aren’t the cause of it, doesn’t help much, even in short term it will not give out any resolution. If you haven’t been able to process and feel anger normally for years, it will feel impossible and incredibly frustrating for your body if you start feeling it, and you’ll want it to stop at any price. But, after a while, a person can go back to normal processing of anger, even though, if there’s been a lot of it, it will still mean strong, extreme bursts of rage. 

People who’ve been dealing with pent up anger have already proved to have immense self control, immense survival instincts and aren’t likely to end up  hurting others the way they’ve been hurt, what’s most important is for that anger to be directed back at the cause of it - abusers. It’s vital to develop hatred of those who would dare to harm you while you were vulnerable and unprotected,  this, is exactly what hatred is for. Only expressing anger at abusers, at their actions, their personality, their weaknesses and toxic, abusive choices will erase guilt, anxiety and get you closer to healing.