We Should Stop Making Kids Who Already Struggle Fixing Themselves Think That It Is Their Responsibility

abusers be like “if you loved me you’d let me invade your boundaries and make you feel like shit if that makes me happy”

You might miss them right now, but I promise one day you are going to meet someone far better. Someone who fills your heart full of a light you couldn’t find anywhere else. It will all be clear as to why this had to work out the way it has.

I keep thinking that maybe someday you’ll fall in love with me. That maybe I’ll say or do something that suddenly makes you realise that you’ve always loved me. It’s stupid. I should know better by now. Yet I keep hoping for a fairy tale ending anyway.

if only my brain is louder than my heart (2)  (via unconventionalbuthappy)

Anger has an important role in human beings, protection, feeling of being valuable and worthy of protection and justice. If your anger isn’t repressed and pushed back, and someone treats you like shit, your anger immediately jumps up to protect you against bullshit. If everyone around you is treated better than you for no apparent reason (nothing you did to deserve it), your anger again jumps up and demands better for you. If someone hurts you really badly, your anger is here to let them know that nobody can get away with hurting you like that, because you matter enough to be protected from harm.

 Anger can be destructive when used wrong, like controlling someone (who is not currently presenting a threat to you), taking shit out on someone who didn’t deserve it, forcing dominance over someone who can’t fight back, and as a way of avoiding being subjected to the truth/called out for abuse. That’s mostly how abusers use it,  and why a lot of victims see it as nothing but toxic, horrible, dangerous and scary thing, and recognizing anger within themselves can give them feeling of dread and like they’re becoming abusive themselves.

Anger in victims presents a problem for abusers, and a lot of victims experience helplessness and inability to be angry or feel anger, even the thought of it makes them feel dreadful and guilty, that’s because abusers make sure in one way or another, that all of victim’s anger will be punished, until they learn they’re not allowed to be angry. This causes anger to build up, now it’s not only  one time injustice and harm has been done, it’s thousands, tens  of thousands time. This is how rage generates within a person, and any further ridicule, provocation or attack from abusers end up with them feeling infuriated, because it’s been too much for a long, long time. 

Anger being built up can eat a person from inside, and it can manifest in self harm, dissociation, numbness/blankness, depression, anxiety. Directing that anger at other people who aren’t the cause of it, doesn’t help much, even in short term it will not give out any resolution. If you haven’t been able to process and feel anger normally for years, it will feel impossible and incredibly frustrating for your body if you start feeling it, and you’ll want it to stop at any price. But, after a while, a person can go back to normal processing of anger, even though, if there’s been a lot of it, it will still mean strong, extreme bursts of rage. 

People who’ve been dealing with pent up anger have already proved to have immense self control, immense survival instincts and aren’t likely to end up  hurting others the way they’ve been hurt, what’s most important is for that anger to be directed back at the cause of it - abusers. It’s vital to develop hatred of those who would dare to harm you while you were vulnerable and unprotected,  this, is exactly what hatred is for. Only expressing anger at abusers, at their actions, their personality, their weaknesses and toxic, abusive choices will erase guilt, anxiety and get you closer to healing. 

My depression, eating disorder, and addiction fighting over who gets to trigger me first:

Hey, guess what?

If you have a shitty father, you’re allowed to be angry about it.

If you have a shitty father, you don’t have to love them.

If you have a shitty father, you don’t have to feel bad or guilty about being angry and not loving them.

Your feelings are VALID.

They had no right to treat you like that.

Do something nice for yourself today; you earned it.

one of the weirdest things about bpd is having extreme abandonment issues but having the urge to abandon everyone you know

Even in the same town, the same house, the same bed- we were always going to be in different places.

Poetry At Most

hey guess what…..even if you’re at a “normal” bmi….you might need to ask yourself….”can i maintain this weight without any disordered behavior?” if the answer is no….that’s not your body’s set point..!! and you will function 8 million times better once you let your body settle where it feels most comfortable. it is okay to gain weight.