While I Am All For Recovery, And I Want Everyone To Get Well - If You Can’t Get Better, Or If You Never

Me: I miss my friends

My brain: blow up their phone.

Also my brain: you’re so inconsiderate and selfish, you victimize yourself even though you’re the only one in the wrong. This is why no one talks to you. Everyone has a life, look how you’re acting. You’re ridiculous and annoying.

Abuser: Yells at me about how I’m immature or “too old” to be doing x thing

Me: But it’s okay for you, a grown adult, to throw tantrums, slam things, and yell at me about stupid and miniscule bullshit?

“It’s like when you read a novel and you’re so captivated by it that you don’t even realize you’re approaching the end of it until there are no more pages to turn. You’re left with this dreadful emptiness and aren’t quite sure what to do with yourself because while the book is finished, the story is living on inside of you.”

— This is what breaking up feels like - Jess Amelia 

Friendly reminder: when people say ‘as long as you tried your best’ it doesn’t mean ‘the best you could possibly have done ever’ it means ‘the best you were capable of at the time.’ Sometimes ‘trying your best’ is just getting out of bed in the morning. Just because you weren’t working yourself to the bone doesn’t mean you weren’t trying your best. 

Sometimes self sabotage and suicidal tendencies are loud, cutting and burning and swallowing pills. But sometimes they’re quiet. Not buckling your seat belt and driving a little too fast. Drinking caffeine and alcohol knowing it’ll hurt in the long run. Not putting on sunscreen hoping for burns and skin cancer. Sleeping with people you don’t love or staying with someone you hate. Not wearing a coat to make sure you’re cold, scalding water in the shower. Putting yourself in situations that make you anxious and uncomfortable. Starting fights and pushing people away.

So don’t just worry about the loud signs. Notice the quiet ones too. Because they’re just as deadly

“WHEN YOU’RE FALLING OUT OF LOVE: 1. his smile used to drip honey but now it is all chipped iceberg teeth in a sea of red. 2. the butterflies try their best to escape but they just drop dead in the pit of your stomach every time he touches your hand. 3. you’ll find yourself forcing laughter through a closed mouth. 4. you’ll find a new home on the shoulder of the boy who sits next to you in class. you’ll spend the hours studying the softness of his hands instead, imagining how they might feel in your hair. 5. he is no longer what you search for in the spaces between the masses of people around. you just keep walking as tall as you possibly can. 6. you see his laid back nature as laziness and his jokes as misogynistic and you can’t believe you’ve been living with rose-tinted glasses this whole time. 7. catching his eye feels all types of guilty because you can’t love him the way he wants you to anymore. 8. your cheeks will flush with poppies when the boy that sits next to you in class whispers your name. you’ll feel hurricanes ripping through your insides, blowing away all the dust that settled on your heart. 9. all the sheets of paper you filled with poetry about him you’ll want to burn because it doesn’t make sense anymore; it doesn’t feel real anymore. 10. you always said forever but sometimes forever can seem so short that before you know it, you’ve already forgotten what his name feels like when you hold it on your tongue.”

— THIS IS THE LAST ONE ABOUT YOU

A note to my body

I am sorry.

I have cut you, hit you, and burnt you. I have shoved more food into you than you can handle, jammed my fingers down your throat, and starved you for days until all you can see is stars.

I’ve consumed too much alcohol, too many substances, and exercised you into the ground.

But what I am the most sorry for is that I can’t seem to stop… no matter how much I want to be better for you, I don’t know how to stop this self destruction.

And for that, I am truly sorry

“Trauma is a wound. Complex trauma is thousands of wounds inflicted on already existing ones. You’re not weak. You’re made out of wounds. You deserve to retreat. You deserve to rest. Just existing with so many wounds is exhausting and a torture.”

— you don’t have to explain to anyone why you can’t get out of bed today. (via furiousgoldfish)

Hey, it’s okay to love the parts of your abuser that were kind and good. It’s okay to miss those parts. It’s okay to miss or cherish those memories. It doesn’t invalidate your experience as a victim of abuse.