Who Was The Fool Who Was Tasked With Naming The Galaxy And The Only Adjective They Could Think Of Was

Me: Can I get you anything else?

Customer: Yeah, a smile would be nice

Me:

People keep posting ‘what’s REALLY in your food’ articles like I’m gonna stop eating whatever it’s about lmao Listen, death is coming. Death is coming. Pass me a hot dog.

things i say that confuse and worry my coworkers:

“happy birthday” every time i hand them something

“well, that’s not ideal” whenever something is going wrong

“we are in the timeline that god abandoned” whenever i’m mildly inconvenienced

“can’t you see that your fighting is tearing this family apart?” whenever two or more coworkers are arguing

referring to taking medication as “eating medicine”

“time to go back to prison!” when putting animals back in their cages

referring to inanimate objects as (s)he, particularly when i break something and say “oh no, he’s dead.” this concerns them especially when i follow it up with “that’s not ideal”

“what are they gonna do, fire me?”

I present to you Old Direction.

joss whedon gathered “some people” to talk about why you shouldn’t vote for trump and it’s honestly the best fucking thing i have ever seen

my law teacher built a ten foot fence because he hated his neighbour, but the city made him take it down because theres a five foot limit on fences, so he poured five feet of concrete on the ground and then built a five foot fence on top of that and the city tried suing him because it was ten feet but they lost because the actual fence was only five

i saw goody proctor cracking open a cold one with the devil