I Have Cried More Than A Few Times Today And We Both Ask Myself, What Is Wrong?

“But just because you’re strong and resilient doesn’t mean you never need someone to be there for you, to take care of you.”

— Tammara Webber

“Nobody knows as yet what is normal. We only know what is customary.”

- Dr. Harry Benjamin

Spoiler alert: there IS no “normal.” There is: common, typical, etc. Normal is a judgment and a social control mechanism. 

““When I ask you about your first love I am always secretly hoping that you will say your own name. Now, wouldn’t that be beautiful – to above else have a heart that was proud of itself.” - Bianca Sparacino”

—

Feeble though sweet

light pours

over the immense meadow

expanding in my eyes,

unmoved by the night sky

thundering upon it.

The moon is to follow its own instincts

navigating the ocean of endlessness

not hiding in itself,

but with a open-heart

bleeding and scarred

and cold.

It is not a bringer of sadness.

It is a reflection of reality.

Not the one we’re living in,

yet both our senses

and mind

are touched by it,

as if it were no more a caress

than it is a warning.

Lonely moon,

and lonely woman,

not to be found in rationality

but in the inexistence of both

the self and the ego.

“I’ve got nothing to say but it’s okay.”

— The Beatles, Good Morning, Good Morning

She

I used to hate that word

Something alien would gripe at my throat.

I would choke on it, eyes burning

Now

that I think of it, I am not as bitter.

She

Is a world away from myself and

I get dizzy sometimes,

Looking at my feet.

I am at peace with her, and I feel

A familiar bond

She was me for a while, after all.

She

And I are friends

I am walking on a road

I made for myself

And she holds my hand, a comforting presence.

She

Will always be there

And now, I understand myself better.

I will never be her

Yet I feel no pain for having been mistaken,

For she is my better friend

- She, M

Why do humans need companionship?

Why can't be satisfied by being alone with ourselves?

Humans are known to be social beings,and no matter how much we may love our alone-time,we will always choose,with such alacrity even,to spend some of our time with someone whom we deem worthy of being around us.

It is an inexorable truth,which no matter how strongly you are opposed to,will show itself to you some time or another.

It is surely up to you whether to understand it or not,but there will come a time when your good intentions aimed at protecting yourself will backlash.

At that point in time there will be no one to turn to,all your choices will pour down on you and you will see no path ahead of you.

After realizing what companionship means to you,everything will become undeniably stressful.

Is it because of fear?Do you just not know how human interactions unravel anymore?Or what is it?

Usually it would be wise to let go of such feelings by interrupting the friendship causing them,however that is not the case in such a context.

At this point in time you only have one option:try not putting this companionship ahead of everything else,instead just hold it dear to you.Hopefully everything will be set in motion once again.

"I had a room to myself as a kid, but my mother was always quick to point out that it wasn't my room, it was her room and I was merely permitted to occupy it. Her point, of course, was that my parents had earned everything and I was merely borrowing the space, and while this is technically true I cannot help but marvel at the singular damage of this dark idea: That my existence as a child was a kind of debt and nothing, no matter how small, was mine. That no space was truly private; anything of mine could be forfeited at someone else's whim."

Carmen Maria Machado, from In the Dream House

Franz Wright, from God's Silence; "Why Is the Winter Light"

[Text ID: Empty me of the bitterness and disappointment of being nothing but myself]

~Some Thoughts on Fantasy, Music, and Resonation~

I was recently listening to a friend talk about why philosophy was pointless, the idea that it was just discussion and no real change came of it. Unreal, impractical, useless. Overall, his reasons were undeveloped, underthought, and devoid of any real conviction and it seemed to me that he was far more confused as to why it was a source of study and the purpose it served than he was actually critical of the practice as a whole. But it got me thinking about the "unreal" and the impossible.

And it caused 2 thoughts to spring into my mind. First, fantasy at its core is the unreal. It is so magnificent because it simply cannot be. We explore the worlds made of a different yarn than our world. There are similarities, some things that are shared, but the rules of nature itself is the difference. A new world is made by using the mysterious pieces of our own world. Yet, the interesting thing about this phenomenon isn't the created thing, but rather the reaction to it. People love it, obsess over it, delve deeper into the lore and history of these unreal worlds. The feeling of exploration and the other feelings that those worlds inspire, the auras, the "vibes" are what pull people in.

Which brings me to my second thought, which is what those vibes invoke in me from other forms and mediums. Music, for instance.

Most people who I have spoken to listening to music are far more drawn to the lyrics of the song, than its ambiance, or its emotion in the music. Music draws forth an emotion in it's own right, which the lyrics add voice and thought to. Both are of immense importance to a song's creation, and neither can be of lesser value. Yet, those emotions which are incited by the music still exist, even if unrecognized. Thus, the musical vibe and the lyrical emotions are not only separate, but also shift how we resonate with the songs themselves.

All of this brings me to 2 unanswerable questions.

1. Does fantasy invoke the emotional response of a uniquely philosophical need for limitless potential?

And by that, I mean that as fantasy is outside of the realm of possibility, is it due to our natural inclination of creation? Or our need to explore the unknowns? The exploration of a new limitless-ness, rather than the confines of our universe?

2. Does our individual resonation with music reflect our adherence or non-adherence to artistic intentions? (In other words, is the way we enjoy the song predicated on how the author wanted us to interpret the song?)