Franz Wright, From God's Silence; "Why Is The Winter Light"

“Dying is an art,like everything else.

I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.”

What is a candle turned wax?

It has one fixed shape,its life has been drained and it is useless.

Nevertheless I can’t help viewing it as an object which still has much to give.

Yes,it has completed it’s life’s task;

Thus,hasn’t it been freed from the burden of needing a purpose?

Shapeless,vacuous,mutilated,yet—

free

As I sit here,staring at a newly lit candle,I can’t help seeing my life being mirrored in the flame.

It is not burning,it’s living.

Somewhat pliable,though it still holds its shape.

Much like myself,really.

I can bend myself to my own will,yet I am subject to the still air that engulfs me.

Am I living my life,or is my life living me?

Devoid of purpose,I grasp at the slightest shift taking place in my life.

My life-long friend has come to check on me.

It has never once left me,only side-stepped so as to witness how I would fare with knowing him gone.

It will forever be bound to me,and I to him.

A life-long friendship bringing excruciating pain in my bones,in my flesh,a drought that cannot be recovered from.

I am yours,and you are mine.

I regret our meeting as much as I treasure it.

Am I offering you a worthy companionship?

Drifting apart and sitting on the sidelines may be a good change.

They always say we will value the most what we had but ended up losing,don’t they?

Let’s put a seal on our friendship,celebrating our reunion and promising for it to be the last in a long time.

I need to know

"I find talking hard I find explaining impossible And I find trying arduous

It was never easy to talk It was never possible to explain And it was burdensome to try

But I realized that to comprehend I had to write I had to read and I had to know more

And for that I will always love writing for I can finally communicate I shall always love reading for I see and understand myself through the characters And I will keep trying to know for I have to try and need to know"

On Suffering

It seems evident to me that all living creatures must, in some form or another, suffer. So ubiquitous is the evidence for this, that I am forced to believe that the ability to suffer is a requirement for life. Even the most basic life forms who have no mind or complex thought to speak of are able to feel or experience discomfort. This, I presume, is a necessity to ensure the continuation of the individual and of the entirety of life. The modern scientific definition of life is quite in agreement with this, in that it recognizes that for a something to be termed alive it must respond to external stimuli, pursuing that which promotes its well being and avoiding that which has an opposite effect. 

The complexity of a species, or of a being, determines the complexity of its problems. The most basic of life also has the most basic of needs and adversities. Our species, like all others, began with the simple task of surviving, procreating, and expanding. Harsh climates forced us to create clothes, hunger transformed us into better hunters, gatherers, and eventually cultivators. We learned and adapted but our problems did not disappear, they were only replaced. As society began and grew, so too did many new issues as a result. As we learn to solve those and in so doing manage to progress our way of life, new challenges arise creating a constant need for improvement. All life follows this pattern. Certain struggles are presented and life must either adapt or perish, and, in the case of the former, what follows are brand new challenges equal in complexity to the new and improved life. Following this mode of thinking, it becomes clear that our modern way of life, indeed all of human greatness, is only a direct result of constant adversity and our attempt to overcome it. 

In this way, it may be said that all of life has been leading to us now. That many of our comforts, luxuries, and joys are the result of countless others who underwent more basic struggles than ourselves. And so we believe that suffering is a necessity for life and as such cannot be called evil or wrong in any inherent manner. If it has been through adversity that life has progressed as it has, then the true evil is found not in suffering but in suffering pointlessly. And since suffering is indispensable to life and its forward progress, then it must be that insofar as suffering may be called evil, it simultaneously represents an equal good found in the potential for improvement and the bettering of life.

"Un solo sguardo e tutto è finito lí"

~Lacrime dal Cielo

There are two thing you can't fake or hide: the look in your eyes and your heartbeat.

May it be because they are connected to your spiritual self or because of a scientifically proven phenomenon,the true you knows that they will always be true.

They are truths that do not need to be proven.

They can't be concealed and you can't stop them from being conveyed to others.

It flows through that thin connection that surrounds us all and does not pass unobserved.

This allows you to let your trust reside in someone.

To let your emotions run freely.

To give it your all.

People are not made up of only one self,unfortunately.

As much as those things are true,they reflect the true essence and feelings of only one of their selves.

Their others selves are not obliged to uphold those truths.

Believe in them and believe in yourself as well. Good will surely come from it.

2021/08/01

I can't live as I once did, telling people that I was doing fine and desperately wanting them to wade through the language and see that I was in pain.

Hanif Abdurraqib, A Little Devil in America: Notes in Praise of Black Performance

Feel fear? Feel sadness? Feel lonely or wounded? If you can turn it into rage, you can use it as fuel. Get mad and you’ll get up in the morning.

But somehow I’ve become a person who speaks sharply to everyone around her. Who wants to scream at children, then break down in tears. Whose rage is always written on her face.

You’re one of the angriest people I know.

Anger is part of the engine that makes things happen, but it’s savage and dangerous. It also burns things down.

I never meant to turn that girl into a forest fire.

— Molly McCully Brown, from “What We Are,” Places I’ve Taken My Body

In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

- Friedrich Nietzsche

“Have you ever sat there, looking into space and feeling a tight grip wrapped around your heart, it’s squeezing and squeezing not allowing you to breathe and slowly slowly you start to feel the tears fall down, and one after another the fits start to happen and you just can’t stop it. It hurts so bad it’s indescribable. People say love hurts, but that words used are so vague, “love hurts”, no love kills, and it doesn’t just take your breath away it takes away a piece of you, making you feel fragmented, shattering you into small different pieces where you can’t even get yourself back up on track again. That is what love is. Not the holding hands, forehead kisses. It’s the feeling you feel when you break down into a million pieces. It’s when you can feel your heart shatter against your rib cage. It’s murder. That is love.”

#DiaryOfAGirlMisunderstood

The Letter I was Afraid to Send

It wasn’t that the feeling for you wasn’t there. It wasn’t that the love I have for you was momentary and based on temporary stimulations - I just wasn’t ready.

Thank you for being who you are, for the man you are. I wasn’t ready for the direction you were heading in. I wasn’t ready to hold your hand and be your eyes when you lose your way. I wasn’t ready to be part of a storyline that I felt I felt I had no part in.

Parts of me were scared of you, scared of the depths that exist within you. My own biggest fear was that my own inhibitions would throw rocks on your path and slow you down from getting to your destination. I was scared my flaws hindered you from being the man you want to be. I was scared that my own shortcomings would become your shortcomings because pain has a way becoming contagious when you’re in a relationship with someone who feels as deep as you do.

At that time, I felt that I was being considerate. Now I realize how selfish I was I can admit I should’ve been better and that you definitely deserve better

03/25/2021+03/26/2021

The unconscious act of clinging to one’s tangible emotions removes all possibility of these coming into existence.

The backwards law plays a paramount role in these cases.

Trying to draw out something,which not even the owner can feel on command is foolish.

It’s like stomping on the ground and then start fishing,meanwhile believing to go home with a handful of goods.

To actually be able to accomplish what you set out to do,you have to immerse yourself in the environment and follow where the current brings you.

Then,and only then,the reward will come to you.

The focus should not be one’s own emotions,and therefore not even themselves as a person.

Shifting it on a purpose beside that which has been the constant object of such attention,would prove benefiting for the primary objective itself.

For one to receive love,they must first know how it would feel before being able to open the doors to it.

By bestowing close ones with your own small acts of love,each in their different shape,will open the one-sided path of love.

Do not covet from others what you have never given to them.