Really Sorry To Have A Mildly Nsfw/nsft Rant On An Otherwise Completely Sfw Blog, But I Had To Get This

Even ignoring my dysphoria, mental illness, and the general state of the world and society, you know what really makes me want to end it all?

My memory loss due to depression. One of the main functions of our brain and it just doesn't work. Some of my core memories are gone or severely altered. My short term memory is absolute shit. And this is all permanent.

I'm about to turn 20, only 20, and I already have a massive setback compared to my peers. All due to being born into incredibly shitty circumstances that I never stood a chance against. *that* is what makes me really want to end it all. To physically feel my mind, and to extend, body deteriorating. Being suicidal, and by extension, if I actually were to do it.. it is absolutely not a choice. I don't want to die, especially not this young. I'm supposed to have an entire life ahead of me.

Except, I kinda don't. And either way I don't want it with this body and mind.

Feeling like killing myself later tonight. The dysphoria and it's consequences are too much. Don't bother telling me to please not do it, or tell me it will get better. because 1. Nobody truly cared before and 2. no it will not, I'm certain of that right now.

And I know nobody cares for me, not on a personal level, and not a broader scale. So I'm finally ready to do "it" I suppose. Hopefully it will be more peaceful there.

true except for bottom surgery.

Nothing can make up for 2+ decades dickless and that's *if* I even make it to that point(or even ever get it at all)

From one Gen-Z to another, let’s continue to deprogram ourselves from the idea that 30 is old and you need to have your shit together before 30.

You can go back to school after age 30!

You can fall in love after age 30!

You can find a best friend after age 30!

You can find a passion after age 30!

You can find a job you love after age 30!

You can recover from an addiction after the age 30!

You can pursue a large goal after age 30!

You can travel the world after age 30!

You can move after age 30!

You can change your appearance after age 30!

You can ask for help after age 30!

You can make discoveries about yourself after age 30!

You can come out after age 30!

You can fix your finances after age 30!

You can be attractive after age 30!

You can fix your life after age 30!

You can do anything after age 30!

Idk what so specifically about the number 30 has bewitched so many of us into believing that means your life is over, but it’s just so far from the truth!

You have so much more time after 30 to accomplish all that you want to do.

Your life isn’t over until it quite literally is over. Stop giving yourself a deadline that doesn’t exist!

Not your boomer family getting mad at you for messing up your medication's concentration and hurting yourself ONCE as if they didn't drink margaritas for pregnancy pain and smoked cigarettes against asthma.

"good morning" - wrong because if it were a good morning i wouldnt have woken up

quick rant, cw for slight nsfw but nothing graphic or overly explicit, just mentions of nsfw stuff. but WHY THE FUCK do I keep getting people saying that they have "species dysphoria" over not getting to be a dragon or some other animal or creature, and not only that, but then EQUATE IT TO ME FEELING GENDER DYSPHORIA??? AND SOMEHOW IMPLYING WE'RE EQUALS???

Hell naw. Your ass did not cry yourself to sleep every night at 13 because you didn't have a tail, or because you had skin instead of scales. You didn't spend your entire adolescence suicidal because you have human genitals that match your agab instead of whatever fantasy cock you want to have.

I know this will come across as incredible rude, and people will feel invalidated. I'm not saying you're a bad person for wanting to be another species, or being a furry, or anything of the sorts... but don't equate it to gender dysphoria, and don't try to imply that we're equal in terms of dysphoria or feeling that your body doesn't match.

also on an ending note: why is wanting to be a dragon or a wolf or whatever with a cock the length of your torso considered "dysphoria" or something that actually causes you to suffer, but I get reprimanded for wishing I was just a cis straight dude and could fuck a girl every now and then. Like somehow I'm the bad guy for wanting that but people can say they wish they were a werewolf with a 20" inch and claim they feel the same dysphoria as I do over that.

"it will get better"

"it will get better" they told me, aged 11, when puberty really kicked in and felt extremely dysphoric about my body, but didn't know what it was yet, and also got bullied for not being truly either gender.

"it will get better" they told 13 year old me, now aware of what dysphoria was, but still suicidal because of it, and felt terrible for not being accepted as a real boy.

"it will get better" they told 15 year me, who just got sexually assaulted for being trans, as well as missing lots of school(and social development) for being constantly in the hospital to navigate the medical gatekeeping for being trans.

"it will get better" they told 16 year me, still freshly traumatized from being sexually assaulted, and now disabled due to medical abuse and neglect from doctors, as well as failing school due to said disability.

"it will get better" they told 17 year old me, who was getting abused at home, while going to school and working my ass off at a minimum wage job, trying to save whatever I could while also trying to sustain myself.

"it will get better" they told 18 year me, still being abused and barely graduating high school, while fighting with my mom to let me attend the college I want, while still not having fully recovered from being temporarily disabled.

"it will get better" they told 19 year old me, now living on college campus, stuck doing a degree I don't truly want, but my parents won't let me chance. I'm succumbing to depression, adhd, and anxiety, but who cares. My body has most of its functions back but will never be the same. Still dysphoric and suicidal every day despite transitioning.

It will get better. When, my love, when? It's almost been a decade of being suicidal every single day, as well as being abused and to a degree, disabled. Some people's foundation for life crumbles, I didn't have one to begin with.

on top of that, a decade is a pretty long time. Would you expect a person to undergo cancer treatment for 10 years, only for it to not be solved? You'd feel sympathetic, right? Maybe even feel bad for them? You wish their suffering would just be over.. Why is this any different? Why am I suddenly "just not strong enough" or "just try harder"?

I'm genuinely convinced it'll never get better. I don't really have any (easy) method of... you know what, but I still want to "commit" every single day. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, believe it will never get better.

Something that's severely undertalked about it the loneliness and lack of real friends that come with being disabled, both mentally and physically. I especially don't see physically mentioned a lot.

But how tf am I supposed to have close friends when I'm constantly sleep deprived? If my general physical strength and endurance are severely limited?

I remember my testosterone information thingy said "may cause you to be angry or more irratable, as well as mood swings" bitch you mean puberty? You mean experiencing human emotions??? Wtf

the idea that testosterone is a dangerous hormone that inherently makes someone domineering and difficult to be around is transphobic all round, leaning on bioessentialism.

for trans men and transmascs, we are warned against medical transition for fear that we may lose our agreeableness and perceived passivity. we are seen as potential aggressors after going on it.

trans woman and transfems have any testosterone in their system, whether on hrt or not, held over them like an original sin that can not be escaped that positions them as more aggressive and dangerous. it is seen as something that threatens their womanhood and can be brought up against them at any time to revoke it.

testosterone is not an evil hormone. it does not change your moral character. it does good for some and bad for others, like any other hormone.

your mental health will take everything from your life until it eventually takes your life