Even Ignoring My Dysphoria, Mental Illness, And The General State Of The World And Society, You Know

Part of the harm of invisibility for transmen is being bombarded with a million "emergency HRT" resources by a hundred different well meaning groups and absolutely zero of them mention testosterone. If they do it's basically a footnote. Testosterone is necessary HRT medication too, believe it or not. It is harder to synthesize and it is federally restricted and I think that's EVEN MORE REASON TO RESEARCH AND LINK EMERGENCY TESTOSTERONE HRT‼️

And the fact google images is now *actually* completely useless due to it being flooded with AI generated images..

Not to be a hater but I genuinely hate the fact that people get disability checks for stuff like autism when I'm here, suffering crippling depression and dysphoria, as well as a health condition that makes endurance and stamina incredibly hard, juggling college classes, a job, and general life maintenance because I live alone, relying on financial aid for college students that disappears the moment I graduate(or get kicked out), and then my minimum wage job.

Idk, it just almost feels offensive to be juggling all that, when there's people who claim disability checks because they just find it so hard to talk to people, or because they're unable to focus on anything, and then they just sit on their ass and play videogames in their childhood bedroom all day, or in the free housing apartment they got.

People will call me jealous, and, well, yeah? Of course? Like wym somebody is getting free housing, free insurance, and free income while just sitting at home all day, when I'm constantly managing all the aforementioned and I get told to "just man up"

Fuck all the way off. I'll never support neets no matter how much they claim they're "fighting the system". You're an adult baby, and it's time to grow the fuck up.

The idea of "socialization" as a trans person is so interesting, because a lot of trans women talk about how they generally don't experience male socialization (I say generally because all trans experiences are different, but the general idea of true). They experience closeted trans women socialization, which I can't even begin to speak on what entails.

So in contrast, you would expect something similar to be true for trans men, and in a way, yes and no. There is some truth to seeing how men are expected to act (stoic, unemotional, etc) and internalizing that. But there is also the experience of growing up as a little girl where so much focus is put on the idea that you should grow up in service of others. That is internalized so readily in just watching your mother and sisters cooking and cleaning up thanksgiving dinner while your dad and brother sit in the family room watching football. Its in how your body is told to be covered until it can benefit the men around you (i.e. school dress codes). Its in how you, as the smart girl in class, need to pick up the slack in group projects with class clown boys, but you are still less intelligent and deserve to be talked down to. Its in how you are told to be quiet and diminish yourself and act for others and never yourself. And because you are expected to grow up as a girl, this is how you are expected to act.

But then you aren't a girl, you are now a man that lives in service to others, has internalized this idea of diminishing himself, is stoic about his emotions, and lives in a world where the crimes of cis male patriarchy are thrust on his shoulders as his responsibility. Any of his anger is seen as either violently male, or hysterically female, and so you get none of the support you need and are only ever really critiqued.

Idk, just thinking about trans men again.

I want to be supportive of women and girls getting to be their masculine self nowadays but it's really hard because I'll always be a bit resentful and salty about the fact I wasn't even allowed stuff like the Cars movies and playing with hotwheels. Telling my family I wanted to shave my head partially is probably my first gender related traumatic event.

Maybe I'm wrong for feeling that way, but I can't help but feel a lot of mixed emotions when seeing women, and especially little girls nowadays, get to be happily masculine as kids/teens or even young adults.

Something that's severely undertalked about it the loneliness and lack of real friends that come with being disabled, both mentally and physically. I especially don't see physically mentioned a lot.

But how tf am I supposed to have close friends when I'm constantly sleep deprived? If my general physical strength and endurance are severely limited?

I fucking hate tech corporations so fucking much. Literally not a single big tech company has reliable customer support, if they have one at all.

Like what I wouldn't give to just be able to make a phone call to some of these companies. So many problems could be solved in 10-30 minutes instead of hours, if not days searching for a solution on the internet only for it to still not work and just giving up, and just being made fun of by tech bros if you dare to ask online by making your own post, and *still* not being provided with a solution

Shstegwggevr girl help me I'm thinking about the experience of being the only 'girl' in so many spaces I occupied growing up and how that makes me feel weird and alien amongst men no matter how much I pass or whatever because I still always feel like I don't belong there again

It's insane how (some) cis men think it's completely normal and okay to have a wife that loves them unconditionally and serves them at every whim and caters her whole life to her, meanwhile I feel bad and selfish for wanting one that will sometimes fuck me and actually give a shit about my personal life and give a bit of physical affection sometimes.

Maybe female socialization is real and it's making me incredibly dysphoric. Just one of those things transition can't resolve.