Feeling Like Killing Myself Later Tonight. The Dysphoria And It's Consequences Are Too Much. Don't Bother

''trans men wont suffer as much if you forcefully out them'' could you say that to an actual trans mans face though or can you only say it online? could you say any of this hateful shit if you had to actually articulate it face to face with a real person or are you only comfortable when its wrapped up in comfy internet discourse buzzwords?

I remember my testosterone information thingy said "may cause you to be angry or more irratable, as well as mood swings" bitch you mean puberty? You mean experiencing human emotions??? Wtf

the idea that testosterone is a dangerous hormone that inherently makes someone domineering and difficult to be around is transphobic all round, leaning on bioessentialism.

for trans men and transmascs, we are warned against medical transition for fear that we may lose our agreeableness and perceived passivity. we are seen as potential aggressors after going on it.

trans woman and transfems have any testosterone in their system, whether on hrt or not, held over them like an original sin that can not be escaped that positions them as more aggressive and dangerous. it is seen as something that threatens their womanhood and can be brought up against them at any time to revoke it.

testosterone is not an evil hormone. it does not change your moral character. it does good for some and bad for others, like any other hormone.

It's not a life anymore. It's a struggle, everyday.

Big part of this is the fact parents often can't let go of their parental role even after they've been an adult for several years. Like tf you mean your 22 year old son has a curfew?

People often compare toxic parents of adult children to toxic roommates, but it's nowhere near the same simply due to the power dynamic parents feel like they have even over their adult children. At least with a toxic roommate you're on the same level of authority, the same can't be said about toxic parents.

there's no shame in continuing to live with your parents as an adult, but it does have an undeniable poisoning effect on your brain that you can't start healing until you live somewhere else

Oh my god what a disgusting thing to say. Imagine if someone said "well lucky you get to ejaculate sperm" to a transfem. That would be absolutely fucked up. Neither of these things are okay. Check your internalised transphobia.

Looked up my new (kinda shitty) job's company and I get shit like this.... Not too surprised. Company ideology like that seeps into all branches, no matter how big or small, how high-up or "lower level employee"...

It's like nowhere in the world is it truly "safe" or good anymore.. At this point I assume that every single big company has donated to war criminals, racists, or homophobes unless very explicitely stated otherwise, which I haven't encountered yet.

Random thought I've been having for a while now but I'd love to experience the covid lockdowns all over again but as cis.

Like instead of crying over how this means my hrt will get post poned for two more years, I could spend all my days playing videogames and jacking off and generally chilling around, all while you're actually obligated to do so.

Yes I know that all the stuff covid has done is terrible both regarding the disease itself, and the cultural, political, and economic impact it had, but, 16 year old me could've hardly known about that, much less care

I'm not saying I'm mentally ill, but today I bought a new teddy bear because I had been looking at it for a couple weeks and finally caved into the temptation. Yet the moment I put it down on my bed, I felt an overwhelming urge of guilt and disgust and the need to throw it away and apologize to my old, trusty teddy. And now the new one won't stop looking at my with its devilish eyes and I actually want to get rid of it even though it's like brand-new but I also DO NOT want to touch that thing anymore.

Dear diary...

All of this feels so pointless...

I feel like I'm wasting my time here.

There's no point in me being here if all I ever do is suffer...

considering ripping/stabbing it apart, and using its insides to stuff up my old teddy bear again.... but would that be the right thing? Use parts of the Bad(tm) creature for the Good creature?

I'm not saying I'm mentally ill, but today I bought a new teddy bear because I had been looking at it for a couple weeks and finally caved into the temptation. Yet the moment I put it down on my bed, I felt an overwhelming urge of guilt and disgust and the need to throw it away and apologize to my old, trusty teddy. And now the new one won't stop looking at my with its devilish eyes and I actually want to get rid of it even though it's like brand-new but I also DO NOT want to touch that thing anymore.