OKAY CAN SOMEBODY EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THE FUCK YOU SHIP A PACKAGE OF COOKIES TO A FRIEND WHO LIVES IN NEW

The splashtext “Technoblade Never Dies!” has been added to Minecraft!

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Delzoun "Tide-Me-Overs"

“While these are customary consumables at Hornmoot, the traditional human-dwarven trading festival that marks the dawn of Spring, there isn’t a holiday on the eventful dwarven calendar that doesn’t feature these scrumptious meats on the menu.” - Heroes’ Feast, p. 90

Personally, you’d be hard-pressed to find a more dwarven food than the good old-fashioned meatball. 

Heroes’ Feast’s Delzoun “Tide-Me-Overs” bring dwarven kitchens to life with these extremely tasty and juicy meatballs! Leagues better than anything you’d buy at the grocery store, I would absolutely suggest making these yourself.

This recipe is also ridiculously forgiving. Once, I doubled nearly all the ingredients by accident, aside from the meat, and they still came out amazing!

If you don’t eat pork, no worries! They’re just as tasty using only beef!

Check out below for tips and tricks when making this yourself! Get Heroes’ Feast here: https://dnd.wizards.com/heroes-feast

Prep: 15 mins            Cook: 1h 30 mins            Total: 1h 45 mins

Ingredients:

¼ cup (60 ml) heavy cream*

1 egg

2 slices dark bread (such as rye), crusts discharged, remainder torn into pieces**

3 tbsp. (43 g) unsalted butter

1 small onion, finely chopped

Kosher salt

¼ tsp. (2 g) ground allspice 

8 oz (225 g) ground pork

8 oz (225 g) lean ground beef

Freshly ground black pepper

2 tbsp. (8 g) all-purpose flour

1 ½ cups (350 ml) low-sodium chicken broth

1 tsp. (4 g) light brown sugar

1 ½ tsp. (7 ml) soy sauce

½ tsp. (2 ml) fresh lemon juice

3 tbsp. (12 g) finely chopped fresh dill or parsley

* I’ve used both heavy cream and half-and-half with no issues.

** I used Vienna-style Pumpernickel Bread, cut into standard ½ -inch sandwich slices at the thickest part of the loaf.

In a large bowl, whisk together the cream and egg (top-left).

Add the bread, mix well, and set aside, stirring occasionally, until the bread is softened, about 20 minutes (top-right).

Using a fork or sturdy spoon, mash the bread into a paste and set aside (bottom).

NOTE: Apparently, the bread is not what binds the meat/other ingredients together, but works with the milk to give the meatballs moisture and texture! The eggs are the only binding ingredient.

In hindsight, this makes sense, since in baking eggs are a binder…

Meanwhile, in a skillet over medium heat, melt 1 tbsp. (14 g) of the butter. Add the onion and ½ tsp. (3 g) salt and cook, stirring, until softened, about 4 minutes (left).

Add the allspice and cook, stirring, until fragrant, about 40 seconds (right).

Remove from heat and let them cool to room temperature. Laying mine in a single layer in the skillet, it took about 10 minutes.

TIP: Don’t be afraid to eat some of the onions to see if they’ve softened enough.

TIP: Cooling my onions in a single layer in the skillet took about 10 minutes.

Preheat the oven to 475℉ (245℃) with a wire rack in the middle of the oven. Coat a large wire rack with nonstick cooking spray and set it in a large, rimmed baking sheet.

Add the cooled onion mixture, pork, ground beef, baking powder, 1 tsp. (5 g) salt and ½ tsp. (1 g) pepper to the bread paste and, using a large spoon or your hands, mix until well combined and uniform.

TIP: To save yourself time when doing the dishes, line the baking sheet with aluminum foil so you don’t need to scrape any burned bits off.

NOTE: Personally, I didn’t run into this problem while making mine, but it’s important to only mix the meat mixture until everything is just combined. Overmixing will result in stiffer, tougher meatballs.

With moistened hands, form the mixture into generous 1-tablespoon-sized balls (left).

Arrange the meatballs on the rack in the baking sheet and bake until lightly browned, about 20 minutes, rotating the pan halfway through (right).

NOTE: I had to make double the amount of pork/beef meatballs since 8 oz packages of each ground meat were not available. Expect about half the amount of meatballs that you see here if making this yourself.

NOTE: The meatballs will sag through the wire rack a little bit when placed, this is fine!

NOTE: The ones shown above are the size Heroes’ Feast recommends. I wanted them to be a little bit larger the second time I made them, so I went for golf-ball sized. The cooking time stayed the same, but I found the weight of them might have been a bit too much and they lost way more structure than the smaller ones. 

However, that was also the time I accidentally doubled all the ingredients aside from the meat, so I’m sure there was more at play there. Just something to keep in mind. They still came out great though! In fact, they’re the ones shown in the final picture.

Wipe out the skillet used for the onions to remove any stray onion bits, set it over medium heat, and melt the remaining 2 tbsp. (28 g) butter. Stirring constantly, cook until fragrant and a shade darker, 1 to 2 minutes.

Add flour and cook, stirring constantly, until golden, 2 to 3 minutes (top-left).

Switch to a whisk and, whisking constantly, gradually add the broth. Continuing to whisk often, cook for about 2 minutes (top-right).

Add the brown sugar, soy sauce, lemon juice, and ¼ tsp. (0.5 g) pepper and continue to whisk and cook until thickened, about 2 more minutes (bottom).

NOTE: The Heroes’ Feast “cook’s notes” mentions that the sauce will thicken quickly as it cools, and to add extra chicken broth to loosen the consistency.

They’re absolutely right! It’s more obvious in the next pictures but the sauce thickens a lot. It’s also a lot darker than what’s shown in the preview image in the book, so I’m not sure how much extra broth they had to add, but it seems like quite a bit.

Add meatballs to the sauce and simmer, stirring occasionally, until heated through, about 4 minutes (left).

Stir in most of the dill or parsley and taste and adjust the seasoning with additional salt and pepper, if necessary (right).

Transfer to a serving dish, sprinkle with remaining dill or parsley, and serve hot.

Overall, I would give this recipe a 5/5. It was a little daunting since the ingredients list was so long, but once I got started making the meatballs it was actually remarkably simple! They’re really juicy, have great texture, and the allspice-seasoned onions are so tasty!

The sauce is a little awkward to make, but it does add amazing flavour. But, again, the meatballs retained so much moisture you don’t really need a sauce to enjoy them!

Honestly, if you have the time and are sick of store-bought meatballs, definitely give these a try. 

Finally, as I mentioned earlier, you can totally make these with only beef (shown in the final picture above)! They’ll still retain quite a bit of moisture and be super delicious.

just came up with a really good 4 word cooking horror story but idk if you guys are ready for it

My unsuspecting followers:

Me, about to go on a serious reblogging spree:

Vedbread

Traditionally prepared with sharp “ved” cheese and presented with onion butter, these crusty buns are best served warm, [...] this particular recipe comes from Lorren’s Bakery in Faerûn’s Village of Red Larch, and features mushrooms and cheese from local, outlying farms. - Heroes’ Feast, p. 27

Ever since I first started looking through Heroes’ Feast, Vedbread has been one of the recipes I’ve been most interested in trying. Although they may appear a little strange at first glance, the best way to describe them would be a ‘savory cinnamon rolls’. The mushroom filling mixed with the cheesy dough gives the buns an awesome flavour combo!

Delicious and filling, these buns are sure to make an interesting alternative to a typical lunch or midday snack. Not only that, but they’re great for a fall aesthetic as the perfect match for a steaming cup of broth!

See below for my notes on the results and for some helpful tips and tricks when making this yourself! Get Heroes’ Feast here: https://dnd.wizards.com/heroes-feast

Prep:  15 mins                           Cook:  60 mins                           Overall:  1h 15 mins

For the filling ingredients:

12 ounces (345 g) cremini mushrooms, coarsely chopped*

2 tbsp. (28 g) unsalted butter

2 shallots, finely chopped

Kosher salt

1 tsp. (1 g) finely chopped fresh thyme

¼ cup (23 g) freshly grated Parmesan cheese

Freshly ground black pepper

For the dough ingredients:

2¼ cups (281 g) all-purpose flour, plus more for rolling

1 tbsp. (14 g) baking powder

1 tsp. (4 g) sugar

½ tsp. (3 g) kosher salt

6 ounces (170 g) Gruyère cheese, coarsely grated

¾ cup (177 ml) buttermilk, cold

6 tbsp. (85 g) unsalted and butter, melted and cooled

1 egg

Truffle oil for brushing (optional)

* Heroes’ Feast mentions you can substitute the cremini mushrooms with the same amount of shiitake.

For the filling:

First, I pulsed the mushrooms in the food processor until they were very finely chopped (about 8-10 pulses).

Next, I cooked the mushrooms:

I melted the butter over medium heat and cooked the shallots until they began to soften - about 2 minutes;

I adjusted the heat to medium high and added the processed mushroom and ¼ tsp. salt. While stirring I cooked them until all of the liquid from the mushrooms had evaporated - about 9 to 12 minutes (keep an eye on it);

I added the thyme and cooked, stirring, until fragrant - about 1 minute;

I removed the skillet from the heat and stirred in the Parmesan.

After cooking, taste the mixture and adjust the seasoning with salt and pepper. I found there was enough salt but needed a couple shakes of pepper.

After seasoning, I spread the mixture on a plate to cool for assembly.

Then, I preheated the oven to 425℉ (218℃) and lined a large rimmed baking sheet with a piece of parchment (you could also use a reusable silicone liner).

For the dough:

To prepare the dough, I started by whisking the flour, baking powder, salt, and sugar together in a large bowl. Then, I stirred in the grated Gryère cheese.

Next, in a small bowl, I whisked together the buttermilk and cooled melted butter. The butter will clump, this is normal.

I added the buttermilk mixture to the flour mixture and used a wooden spoon to form a chunky dough.

Heroes’ Feast notes that the dough should be sticky at this stage. However, I found it to be rather dry - with bits and pieces of cheese and flour not being incorporated. Don’t worry if your dough turns out similarly. Mine incorporated into a stickier dough while kneading.

After creating a chunky dough, I turned it out onto my breadboard and kneaded until it held together and was mostly smooth - about 4-5 minutes. Take care not to overknead.

After creating the dough ball, I floured the board and under the ball to keep it from sticking to the surface while rolling out.

TIP: The techniques I use for kneading (and a helpful video) can be found on my post about Dwarven Flatbread.

Assembly:

To start the assembly, I rolled out my dough ball into a roughly 12 by 18-inch rectangle. Dust off any excess flour from the surface.

Next, I spread the mushroom mixture over the entire surface. Expect the layer to be thin and patchy.

To roll the vedbread, I started by working with the widest side (18-inch) furthest from me. I then rolled the dough into a very tight, even, compact cylinder towards me.

When I finished rolling, I pinched the seam along the entire length of the cylinder to close it.

Next, using a serrated knife in a sawing motion, I trimmed off the ends of the cylinder to discard and cut the remaining cylinder into 1 ¼-inch pieces.

NOTE: When you make these, you will find it makes about 14. I only have 11 because I misread the dimensions for rolling out the dough.

I arranged the buns cut-sides up on the baking sheet and brushed the top and sides with eggwash - an egg beaten with 1 tbsp. water (above-left).

I cooked them for 18 minutes on the middle rack of the oven until they were golden brown, rotating the baking sheet halfway through. I let the buns cool on the pan for about 5 minutes before transferring them to a wire rack.

I let the buns cool on the wire rack for a little while before storing them. They are best eaten warm or at room temperature (would not recommend cold).

If using, brush the buns with some before serving.

Overall, I would give this recipe a 4.5/5. If it’s not already obvious from the ingredients list, these buns are very mushroomy.

I would suggest trying these buns both at room temperature and warm out of the oven to see how you best enjoy them. Personally, I found the taste of the mushrooms mellowed when left at room temperature and made them much more enjoyable. On the other hand, my dad, who doesn’t particularly enjoy mushrooms, found them tastier warm. So make sure to try them both ways and see how you feel.

There’s a general tip that it’s best to store baked goods in a paper bag at room temperature to keep the crust harder on the outside and softer on the inside. However, I would advise against this for these buns. The dough is too thin to benefit from this and will just go stale-ish  - like they’d been left uncovered on the counter. Keeping them in an airtight container is the best way to preserve that softness that you get right out of the oven.

Want to enjoy them again later? No trouble! Reheat them at 300℉ (149℃ ) for about 8 minutes to snack on them warm.

I made this callout meme for me and me specifically

Decided to do something fun with my copy of Heroes’ Feast to mark the occasion!

Pumpkin Shaped Dinner Rolls

“On Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin rises from his pumpkin patch and flies through the air with his bag of toys to [give to] all the children.” - Linus, It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!

Happy Halloween everyone! I’ve been a huge fan of Charlie Brown for as long as I can remember. Every year, my family watches the specials on TV and I must have read each volume in my grandmother’s massive collection at least three times.

So, when I saw this tumblr post late last year, I knew exactly what I wanted to make for Halloween this year… but with a twist! After some trial and error, I’ve found a way to add cinnamon/pumpkin spice sugar to these rolls while avoiding a massive pocket of it.

So, grab your fall-themed drink of choice and check out below for how to make a batch of these delicious pull-apart dinner rolls for yourself! The great pumpkin may just pay you a visit for your troubles…

(Based on the post by Chef John from All Recipes and the tumblr post linked above.)

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