Guys I Have Literally Nothing To Post... So For The Sake Of My Artblock I Found Old (-ish?) Riddlebird

i have this little funny headcanon on kenman brotp where kenny and cartman are both excellent liars, and can talk utter nonsense with the most convincing faces. cartman is just good at it ‘cause he lies a lot so he’s kinda had a lot of practice, and kenny usually covers his face with a hood so nobody can really look into his eyes. and not only they lie perfectly by themselves just for fun, they also have this incredible mental connection when cartman starts telling bs and kenny continues it without a moment of hesitation. and NOBODY can really tell when they’re really telling the truth.

k: (Hey, guys!)

c: Oh, here he is! Hey, Kenny, tell these assholes about that one time we went to jail together and made a bomb to escape! They don’t believe it really happened.

k, not hesitating one second : (Oh, that one time! Yeah, man, it was pretty crazy, our cellmate almost died that day. How was his name? Brian or something like that, right? And then remember when prison guards literally almost caught us so you–)

c, proudly smirking and whispering to kyle: That’s why he’s always the one to cover me up when my mom wants to find out where I am.

heyyy guys idk im kinda back!!! idk if anyone’s noticed i wasn’t really posting anything for a looong time sooo uuhh anyway hii!!

so here’s a k2 au where kyle somehow managed to notice kenny’s deaths, and how i imagine his reaction would be.

first of all, we all know kyle’s saviour complex and his “older brother” behaviour, so i strongly believe he would be shocked by kenny’s immortality and his first intention is simple af – to protect kenny and not let him die anymore. it’s kind of a subconscious thing, but i think kyle would feel guilt for not knowing about kenny’s sufferings, he’d feel like a shitty friend, and would want to restore his reputation by “saving kenny”. he would make it like some sort of his moral obligation.

and that was great at the beginning because kenny is not used to such caring protective treatment, but as the time passed kyle would become more, uh, insistent?

he would have unknowingly deprived kenny of the opportunity to enjoy those crumbs of a happy, calm, free life that he had, because of his overprotection.

he really didn’t mean to discomfort kenny though, but it just. happened?... because kyle is very overprotective and sometimes he can “suffocate” with his care as we can see it from his interactions with ike.

i can literally see a scene where they all went to a potentially dangerous place such as amusement park, and kyle doesn’t want kenny to get hurt so they avoid “dangerous” things.

someone suggests to kyle and kenny to go to the rides, kenny smiles happily and is already running towards the roller coaster, but kyle grabs his hand and pulls him towards the children's carousels instead, saying that the rest is too dangerous,

and kenny is sitting on this children's carousel next to kindergarteners, with a dreary look on his face. he sees stan and cartman, screaming with delight on the adult attractions, and sighs very sadly.

and this happens more and more because kyle is responsible and he doesn’t want to break his promise. and one day kenny just gets so sick of this, like… i see how they can start arguing, because kenny wants to do something dangerous, and kyle holds him back, and kenny just loses his temper (he can get really furious when people are trying to take what gives him joy, as we see in s12e3 “major boobage”).

and kyle also gets angry so he replies smth like: "But look, how long has it been since your last death??? Two months, Kenny!! You’ve never been alive for such a long time in a row! All thanks to my care!" and kenny, who is already freaking out on emotions, says something like "WELL MAYBE DYING WAS MORE FUN THAN HANGING OUT WITH YOU!" and kyle gets so devastated. so he just frowns with a blank look, mumbles quiet “Oh… I see” and leaves.

and then after this, it has been like two or three days already, kenny dies once again, so he remembers how this can hurt. he feels a bit guilty about his words, so he comes up to kyle and they finally have a talk:

kyle: You… you really think I’m hurting you with my protection?

kenny: (Wait, no, I didn’t mean to offend you–)

kyle: But you think so, don’t you?

kenny: (It’s just… I’m used to dying, Kyle, I don’t need this much concern.)

kyle: But I… I know that but, it’s like… when I imagine you being injured or dead… Everything inside me just aches and shrinks, and… I guess I am overreacting, but I just don’t want you to go through something like this any more than needed.

kenny: (Aw :( )

kyle: I’m sorry, Kenny, I didn’t mean to…

kenny: *hugs* (That’s fine.)

and they’re finally fine. at least they’re trying to find this golden middle between protection and recklessness :3

Old man yaoi this old man yaoi that wheres the actual old man yaoi

man i’ve reeeeaaally abandoned my tumblr lately…………..

okay this might seem like a lil bit controversial topic but please imagine tfbw but if cartman knew what fancervice and queerbait meant. like. are you really telling me he wouldn’t use it to get more fans and attention and money? please. so i strongly believe he’d make kyle participate in this shit with him to get more profit, and when kyle found out about new romantic-ish scenes between human kite and racoon that cartman had just written into the script for human kite’s movie… kyle’d get completely furious so he went to cartman’s basement and tried to make a scene.

(also i know i can’t call super craig a side character but i believe kyle actually thinks that the main characters are the racoon and human kite. no offense to craig tho. oh and just in case: i do not support queerbaiting!!)

k: Fatass!

c: What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be at home reading your script!

k: I did read the script! And what the hell are all those scenes you’ve added? They make no sense!

c: Do not question my narrator’s talent, jew. I’m the one who’s in charge of writing, your task is to memorise it and worship me for all my hard work.

k: Really? Oh, really? “Hard work”, you say? What is this fucking moment, you fat piece of shit?

c: Which one, Kahl? Please, elaborate.

k: “The Racoon is on the verge of death, fighting for every breath, so Human Kite heroically decides to give him mouth-to-mouth. The camera switches to the reaction of other Friends, but loud sounds of CPR can be heard behind the scenes”.

c: Pretty dramatic, huh? I really outdid myself, didn’t I?

k: The whole new script is full of this shit! What’s the matter, Cartman?

c: You know, just decided to make your movie more inclusive and… spicy. Are you against it?

k: Yes! Yes, I am against it, I don’t want to participate in this! There are so many actually homosexual people and by doing this you erase them. That is wrong, unethical and also it’s freaking gay!

c: A-huh. So did I get it correctly, Kahl, that you don’t want to make our characters closer ‘cause that is in your opinion, and I quote, “gay”? What are you, homophobic?

k: Knock it off! Stop twisting my words, that is not what I said!

c: Then I see no reasons to reject my offer, Kyle.

k: It’s just so inappropriate and wrong!

c: What’s wrong about two male characters being close and emotionally attached to each other?

k: Everything! If it’s me and you – everything is wrong! Where’s the catch, Fatass? I will not believe for a single minute that you’re doing it for inclusion of minorities.

c: …Well, okay. I guess… I guess it is time for you to learn this.

k: Learn what? What are you talking about, Cartman?

c: Have you ever heard the word “queerbaiting”, Kyle?

k: Uh… no. What’s that?

c: Let me start with another question. Who do you think is the most popular character in Racoon and Friends?

k: Um-m-m… I don’t know, probably you?

c: Wrong! It’s not me, Kahl. And wipe that smirk off your face, ‘cause it’s not you either.

k: Then who?

c: Super Craig.

k: What? This can’t be… You’re the main character, he can’t be more popular than you or me! It makes no sense!

c: That’s what I thought! When I first saw the character popularity rank I started thinking… Where was my mistake? How is it possible for a side character like Super Craig to be more popular than me and you? Is it his character design? His backstory? His role in the plot? I was seeking for answers for hours until I finally realised…

k: Realised what? Come on, stop wasting my time!

c: Patience, Kyle, patience. It’s the most important trait for a superhero. So, let me continue. The main reason of popularity when it comes to Netflix… The reason why everyone loves Super Craig so much… The gayness, Kyle.

k: …Huh?

c: That’s right, you heard it correctly. The gayness. Homosexual orientation immediately makes a male character more attractive to fans.

k: …That’s stupid.

c: No, Kahl! There can be no mistake! I looked through the popularity rate of Freedom Pals and guess who the most favorite is there?

k: No way…

c: Yes way, Kahl! It’s fucking Wonder Tweek! The one with the most lousy backstory I’ve ever seen! The fans are completely in love with his cute little dramatic breakup with his boyfriend. Can you imagine it?!

k: Wow… That’s…

c: I understand how shocked you are now, but that’s not the end. Then I’ve heard the term “queerbaiting” and that is so goddamn genius, man, you’ll just love it! It’s when two dudes, who are not directly said to be homosexuals, show some gay hints here and there.

k: So?..

c: Don’t you get it, Kyle? It’s just hints! You don’t have to *actually* be gay, the fans will just fill the blanks themselves! It saves a lot of troubles with homophobes and laws in foreign countries, but you can still make money on gay jokes! That’s sweet, dude!

k: Wait, and do you expect people to actually buy it?

c: …Who are the most popular rivals in DC?

k: Batman and Joker?

c: Who are the most popular characters themselves?

k: …Batman and Joker. Dude… what the fuck?…

c: See? Told you!

k: So you want us to be gay so we become the most liked ones?

c: Yes, if you put it simple.

k: That’s… kind of messed up.

c: Oh my god, we won’t be *really* gay. Just… hints or something.

k: O-okay… Just to be clear: there won’t be any weird moments we have to actually take part in, will there?

c: What do you mean?

k: Like… um… I don’t know, some too-gay shit like holding hands or really kissing?

c: I will hope so. Believe me, Kahl, I like it no more than you do.

k: Well… Are you sure they’ll all like it?

c: Totally!

k: Oh, god, I feel like there is some kind of a trap, but…

c: Think about money, Kyle. The large, unthinkable pile of money and fame for just small scenes with some remotely gay-ish dialogues. That thought must calm your little jewish soul.

k: …Just so you know, I still fucking hate you. And I’m doing it only because I don’t think it’s right for a side character to be more popular than the main ones.

c: Whatever makes you sleep at night, Kyle. Whatever makes you sleep at night…

i have a headcanon that all of cartman’s “first times” were with butters: first kiss, first sexual contact (as teens), first date attempts. because they both trusted each other and they both had sexuality and identity crisis, so they kinda… experimented with each other.

and even though kyle laughs when he just learns this fact of cartman’s life, after he finally starts dating cartman he can’t help but feel these jealousy and envy when eric mentions that “he has already tried that with butters”, and he’s very likely to subconsciously start disliking butters a little, because he just can’t let go of this thought of cartman and butters kissing or having an awkward date or something.

and during the rest i’ve been thinking about the difference between kyman and stanman a lot

like, we all know how kyle would be pretty insistent on the whole “changing cartman for the better” thing, cuz he’d think it’s his moral obligation and he’s not the type to just suddenly tolerate some traits he strongly dislikes in others

and what’s most important, he doesn’t see cartman through rose-colored glasses, he just, well… sees real cartman and doesn’t make excuses for his terrible actions, and he accepts the fact that, yes, it’s cartman, he has his flaws (like. lots of them) and he might hate those traits but he loves cartman in general with all his difficulties and “disadvantages”.

AND THEN there’s stanman where once stan falls in love he starts to kinda idealise cartman? he pretends he doesn’t see his “bad” sides anymore, and he doesn’t really try to change cartman, even when some things eric does make him uncomfortable.

and then. keep this all in mind and. imagine styleman. where stan and kyle have fights over this like every week.

kyle: We can’t tolerate this kind of behaviour, Stan, he destructs people around him, us, and most of all – himself!

stan: I don’t wanna change Cartman, dude, i like him the way he is!

kyle: That’s stupid, you have to think logically!!

stan: That’s what love is about, Kyle. You don’t just change a person if you dislike something about them. Not like you would know that, of course.

also, during their relationship cartman sees style comforting each other as he realises romance can be not only about getting on each other’s nerves and constantly fighting but like?? actual support?? caring attitude?? help?? acceptance?? and he goes like W O W

kyle in post covid who finally started dating cartman but every day he feels this bitter dissatisfaction because he can’t accept the fact that he and cartman lost forty years spent with wrong people when they could have been together since elementary school if only they were a bit more opened with their own emotions. and this feeling of wasted years, wasted life keeps haunting him and never lets go :(

So glad ur back i missed ur headcannons and writing so bad^^ ( ´▽` )

OMFG IM SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT!!!!! i hope u won’t be disappointed by the new stuff i’ll post heheeee <3 🫶