The Unicorn Lived In A Lilac Wood, And She Lived All Alone. She Was Very Old, Though She Did Not Know

I am waning.

I feel as though I am in that final phase of the moon where it begins to vanish from the sun's light and hides for a few days - as if it's recharging.

Except I'm not recharging.

I'm simply spent. I have no motivation, no sense of hope, no desire to do anything... I just want to lay in bed and not exist. I have not contributed anything to the world these last three weeks and I'm on the edge of simply wallowing. I suppose I already am.

I have met obstacles and simply given up, neither going around them or over them. I simply sit down and accept that I cannot go any further, that I can't do anything better, that I'm not making any progress.

It's in every faucet of life. I've let it leak into my main responsibilities, but it started in my hobbies, my creativity, my self-care and health. I've gone back so many steps on simple things I've been trying so hard to do better with.

Drinking water? I gave up and now I'm dehydrated.

Walking outside? I'll just sit at my computer and scroll endlessly, hoping something catches my attention.

Hobbies? No thanks, I'll just sigh and flick YouTube shorts away over and over again.

I'm unhappy with myself. I don't feel good. I don't look good. My mental health is low. I am at a loss of how to pick myself up. I'm hoping my therapy on Thursday helps.

Thanks for reading.

me: i love songs that are deep, hold meaning, tell a story, create elaborate images in my mind and move my heart while making me consider my own existence.

also me:

There's so many things I want to do, but some of them are for the wrong reasons. I'm gathering hobbies and things I want to start pursuing because I feel like I need to do more. But do I? I would like to have something tangible to focus on, but do I need to overwhelm myself with a ton of hobbies to keep me busy? Why can't I find something that just feels good and enjoyable to do?

I'm having a tough time.

Amazon Prime Video: Hey, you've watched 5 seasons of this show! Do you like this? me: No.

youtuber finishes talking

me: mhm yeah

Guys new Cait Sith plush dropped!

Perhaps I am starting too many things at once.

I wish to find my place in my spirituality, but at the same time I wonder if my heritage would offer me anything. I am half Mexican/half Caucasian, but I was raised Caucasian and had little to no contact with my Hispanic family after the age of 3. Because of this... I know nothing about my Mexican bloodline.

I do not know anything about the culture, the beliefs, the celebrations, very little about the food, and I can barely speak Spanish. I want to get in touch with these roots, also. Part of me feels that I am too late, however, and pushes back against it.

How do I even start? Where do I begin? Do I postpone my spiritual journey and focus on my heritage instead? I am overwhelming myself, as I often do, and these past two weeks have been rather awful... it's all compounding and I don't know what to do to get back on my feet.

having a rough day today and i keep having to remind myself that it's okay to have an off day. but my mind keeps telling me i'm the worst for taking today "off".

Today is difficult. I am not ready for it.

In my restless dreams, I see that town.