I Pretend To Be Complex And Clever But In Reality, Nothing Has Ever Made Me Laugh Harder Than Those Bad

Today's Adventure is that I, after an unintentional 13-hour power nap,

Got woken up at 6AM by a phone call from a friend stranded in Montana because of the heat wave and almost no cell service because of their crap provider.

OhSoThat'sHowIt'sGonnaBe.jpg

Ok.

I somehow summon a week's worth of spoons and in less than 30 minutes and 5 phone calls, get them

A hotel

An appointment with a mechanic from 2 states away

A perscription refilled from 2 states away

and A Pizza

Go me.

But then it's 8AM and there are unscheduled live humans at the door and while EVERGENCY MODE is still on, I have already blown through a ton of spoons, and also probably shouldn't meet whoever it is wearing just a pair of bootyshorts that say "CRYPTID" in Gothic Font on my ass.

So I greet them in those shorts and a T-shirt that I manage to put on both inside out and backwards

#nailedit

It is, Fortunately, not the mormons.

it is, Unfortunately, two UPS guys trying to deliver my other in-house friend's new phone except the new guy doesn't know how to operate the "sign for package" device, and the old guy that's supposed to be mentoring him is like, 92, deaf as a post, and doesn't actually know how to operate the device either.

by the way

it is already

over 100 out

it takes almost 30 minutes to sign for the phone

when i get back inside, i discover that apparently the Corgi has learned how to open his kennel from the inside because he is now out of the kennel and waiting for me to come in.

he also has cat litter all over his face because while he was waiting for me he also learned how to open the baby gate to the cat's room and help himself to a cat shit breakfast.

He'll be fine

He's a cattle dog, they're legally required to have at least 1 really disgusting snack they love.

but

more to the point

i have no idea at what point he learned to open his kennel from the inside

has he been staying there out of politeness this whole time??

And

I got other shit to do today.

namely.

I'm seeing a realator

The Devils most pathetic yet effective demons

I get a reminder text that I have an appointment with her

at least

I think that's what it is because what she sends me is: "🏡⏰12:00 ❔"

With the time typed in the middle like that.

She is, according to her profile, at least 80.

so I reply "😎👍"

and then she sends me a string of GODDAMN POST-MODERN EMOJI HEIROGLYPHICS THAT TAKE UP MY ENTIRE SCREEN.

She's on an iPhone so half of them don't even translate across platforms

It takes me half an hour and three different software programs and goddamn wingdings to translate, but she has sent me the address and rules about masking and not wearing shoes inside.

in emoji

instead of like

literally any other format

I am

FASCINATED

and simply must meet the woman so if I don't come back to update I got stolen by the fairies but I'm taking the Corgi with me as protection so I'll see y'all later.

Let me get this straight because I’ve only seen memes and am piecing this together as i go, but i think i figured out what’s happening.

Tumblr is advertising the tumblr app, on the tumblr app, using a photo of a guy in a Pikachu cosplay, because that’s what they think it will take to successfully sell this app, to people whom already use it?

But now the ball shaving ad is gone? Or is that one still in the mix?

Tumblr University

Optional Uniform

ID

DORMS!!!!!

The Who/Sherlock dorms

Harry Potter/Narnia/LOTR Dorms

Pirates/History dorms

disney/disney princess dorms(you can put more posters,etc)

Directioner dorms(but put more ireland flags and more pics of the boys)

pssssst hey. hey. free and expansive database of folk and fairy tales. you can thank me later

good responses to getting stabbed with a sword

rude

that’s fair

not again

are you gonna want this back or can i keep it

Twilight but they're constantly being watched when they think no one is by two tourists who are just at the wrong place at the wrong time but get increasingly invested in the drama over time

Different

“You’re…different. I’ve never met a girl like you.”

She stares at him, hands stilling over her sword. “What?”

“All the girls in my village are so boring,” he says. “So focused on finding husbands that they don’t bother learning about the world.”

“Girls in your village aren’t allowed to own property or vote,” she says, somewhat incredulous.

He winces at her tone. Need she be so harsh? “Well…it’s not like they’ve ever needed to, we’re a very progressive village and I always vote in favor of their needs. You’re not like that though, you fight for your rights yourself.”

“They are fighting for their rights,” she says. She sets down her sharpening stone, a frown stretching across her face. “No voting, no property, no wages of their own to purchase necessities. Besides finding a kind husband, what else do you think they can do to find a good future?”

“Th-they could leave,” he says. He did not expect the conversation to go this way. He expected her to blush like she had when he complimented her sword skills. He finds himself oddly defensive. “The men in my village aren’t slavers. The girls can leave any time.”

She snorts. “On foot? Your village is a hard, three day ride from the nearest city and that’s by horseback. And, even if they made it, what skills do they have? What references? The risk is too high for any woman to leave, that’s as good as trapping them. The fact that it takes me holding a sword for your opinion of women to change just shows how small-minded you are.”

 He bristles, unable to refute her. “Look, I was just trying to pay you a compliment! There’s no need to attack me.”

“Trust me,” she says, standing when he moves to loom over her. They’re of near equal height and, if he was trying to intimidate her, he fails. “You’ll know it when I’m attacking you. This isn’t it.”

He doesn’t seem to hear her, flustered to be seeing her eye-to-eye. “Furthermore, I think I’d know what sort of girls I grew up with! They’re timid and lack a desire to explore the world.”

“The world you created for them doesn’t take long to explore,” she says. Her sword is bare in her hand. “Marry or descend into poverty. Bear an heir or be cast into poverty. Behave or be thrown into poverty. I was there for a week and figured it out. But,” she continues, looking him up and down, “maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to judge. After all, you’ve lived there your whole life and you still haven’t figured it out.”

He splutters. “That’s not–there are other options–”

“When the revolution is done,” she says, coldly, “and your people are forced to give women rights, see how many stay and how many leave. See how many suddenly discover their wander-lust. See how many end up like me.”

She leaves him there and stalks off to the edge of camp. She leaves him there with his mouth opening and closing, and heart pounding in his chest.

She leaves him there with the unsettling realization that he doesn’t want the women in his village to end up being like her, so different and strong. Because, if they did, where would he be? Where would his home be?

It’s an upsetting realization to have, mid-revolution. No chance to back out now.

Loki: I'm proud to identify as a moronsexual. I'm attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively.

Stephen: What's the Spanish word for tortillas?

Tony: Dunno, let me check on Google translate

Loki, already taking off his clothes: By the Norns, you're both so fucking stupid.

Of missing and remembering

Missing

They found this tree when they were just a child. They were alone in this whole world and just wanted a place to call home. They come here almost daily. To read and write and to do all the other bits of life. The tree had always been tall and big. When they were younger they could climb it and rest on one of it's branches to read. Now they sit on the ground, leaning against one of the two gravestones and rest in the trees shadow. Whenever they visited, they could feel a longing inside their chest. It was like they were missing something or someone that they couldn't quite remember. This feeling of missing always growing bigger with each visit. Until one day a boy sat under the tree sketching.

Remembering

When he saw them for the first time it was like a stone was lifted from his shoulders. It felt as if he could finally breath freely again. He didn't know what he felt in that moment but with time he began to realise what it was. Sitting with them under the tree, talking, reading and drawing together. A feeling of home flooded him and them as well. This time that the two of them spent together it felt like something he remembered. A memory deep within his soul. A memory of happiness and joy. He felt like remembering this time from a life before.

Once

Old they lay, their life a tale to tell, under the tree that was still so young. They planted it here many years ago after meeting for the first time and planed to make this their last resting place. The time had come for them to go into another beautiful story of their own. They both knew. And so he asked "Will you promise to remember me?" "I can only promise to miss you, my love." they replied. And they both did miss, each to their own.

when hozier wrote “there is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin” was he intending to make every gay person on the planet weep? because if so, good job pal