If My Mental Illnesses Weren't Enough, The Seasonal Cold Has Been Sitting On My Head Making My Mind Even

I'd like to stop being anxious now. My head is exploding.

How little there is to listen when you stop.

back from a vacation to the same spirals and work, home sweet home.

The cold and the void have made me into a deadly concoction of shivering mess.

I'm so sick of these destructive defense mechanisms that do protect me from getting hurt but at the same time trigger the fear of abandonment, because of which I employ these mechanisms in the first place.

What the fuck.

And many, many valleys of sorrow and mountains of death.

Marina Tsvetaeva, from a diary entry featured in Earthly Signs Moscow Diaries, 1917-1922

“Please dont expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.”

— Sylvia Plath

How accurate.

- j (x)

I feel numb, I don't want to think about anything. It's too much. I didn't want to wake up today. I have a lot to take care of and think about but I just don't have it in me to tend to anything.

I feel numb.

The urge to just destroy myself. To cut off everything. To go radio silent on everyone because my brain is absolutely convinced I'll be best off alone, locked in a tiny little box.

Why can't I just have a moment to breathe? To actually enjoy my bit of happiness I get here and there.